Monday, May 01, 2006

#300 and Movies Reviews

Wow, this is my 300th post as a blogger. Somehow I thought this post would be special, or amusing, or something that both of my loyal readers would want to read. Sorry guys.

On to the movie reviews!

Torque - Sufficiently lame. It's done by the same people that did Fast and the Furious and xXx. It's a decent mindless action flick and it's something I can put in and not have to pay attention to and clean or cook or do one of those do it yourself projects around the house I like so much. Usually Ice Cube is dumb in his movies, and this one was no exception. However, his worst actor nod was trumped by Matt Schulze (pictured on the left). Known as Vince in Fast and the Furious and glorified extras in the first two Blade movies, he might be the worst actor in the history of time. Any time you're in a movie made by the same people that made Fast and the Furious that stars Ice Cube and you can walk away with the worst actor award, that's really something. I'm sure Mr. Schulze is a nice guy, and at this point he's type cast in the token bad guy roles so maybe it isn't his fault. Seriously, he was worse than Hayden Christensen in the first three Star Wars movies, and worse than Ice Cube in this movie...and that's bad. Best depiction of white trash for sure goes to Jaime Pressley (pictured right). Mike and I were talking this weekend and he thinks she was created specifically for these roles. Don't get me wrong, she's smoking hot and might have two lines in the movie, but if you were to imagine a girl in a trailer park being hot and becoming an actress, it's her. Hotest girl in a dumb action flic goes to Monet Mazur (the hot one in the middle). Her lines were mostly dumb as were everyone else's in the movie, but she takes the cake for hot chic in this movie and I don't even really like blondes. I could go on, but I'll just tell you if you really like motorcycles, hot girls, stupid bad guys, racial stereotypes, unbelievable (don't read that as exceptionally that as they're not humanly possible) chase scenes, and movies that in general require no thought and let you have the attention span of a two year old while getting some enjoyment out of it, check it out for free if you can.

Next up, The Pianist - I would love to be able to review this movie for you. However, Netflix sent us a copy that cut out halfway through the movie. To me this is not acceptable. They're sending us another one today so I can get a good review of it later in the week. For now you get the first half. To the halfway point, it's good. I can only imagine what it was like living in those times. What sort of enraged me was that the Jewish community said things like "Why doesn't America join the war and help us? Why didn't they do something sooner?" Now, we start a war to free a country and we're considered warmongers. Seriously, do you think people in Iraq wondered why we didn't invade sooner? Probably. Do you think some of them think we should have stayed out? Probably. We can't please everybody and sometimes I wonder why we try. Before I go off on a rant and lose both of my loyal readers I'll stop there. The movie looks good so far and seems to be a good story. I'm not sure I'll watch it over and over, but it's got the makings of a good movie.

I borrowed Mike's extended cut of Sin City and decided to buy my own. I really like that movie, and I also bought Hostel this weekend...both Tarantino movies, both fantastic and wrong in every way possible. If you have the same weird taste in movies that I do you'll probably like them. If you have the same taste as my wife and...well...most of our friends besides Mike you probably won't like them, but seriously that's your loss because they're great movies.


The Pianist is an AMAZING AMAZING film. I could only watch it once, because it is disturbing. But I own the soundtrack.

What in the uncut Sin City is extra? I want one, but there are so many other things I need first. Convince me.
posted by Blogger Jenn at 1:29 PM  
Okay, on the extra features there is a recipe for Breakfast Tacos. Maybe when you're in town if you stay with us again we can make Jennifer watch it. Once you see the box, and the extras, you'll get one. They're like $20 on eBay which is way better than $35 in a store.
posted by Blogger Raul Duke at 1:52 PM  
Pianst is pretty powerful, but a bit to long and very boring. I also don't like Brody so yeah, it's not on my list of good movies.

My wife was talking about Hostel this weekend...I almost told her what you said about it Raul. If I remember correctly the first half was all tits and ass and the last half was gore or something like that. At least I can watch the tits and ass!
posted by Blogger Chris D. at 8:08 PM  
That is pretty much an accurate description. Basically these guys are traveling across Europe to meet girls, drink, do drugs, and take advantage of them. Then they meet these insanely hot girls at a Hostel that are recruiters for a headhunter type thing. Basically rich people from all over the world pay money to torture and kill someone of a certain nationality. Kind of like a hunt but your prey is strapped to a chair. The tits and ass in the movie are phenominal, but the second half is the gory scary part and it's still good. It's very much the get out alive and try to get revenge on the bad guy type of thing. I like it, if you want I'll Patflix you guys a copy.
posted by Blogger Raul Duke at 8:45 PM  
Hayden Christensen was only in two Star Wars movies.
posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 1:19 PM  
I don't care. He sucked either way it went. His acting was comparible to a steaming bowl of elephant piss.
posted by Blogger Raul Duke at 2:26 PM  
I thought Christensen was fine. What, you'd like Ben Affleck or Matt Damon better maybe?

All of Hostel was great. The beginning t&a, the blood and gore, acting, writing , all of it. It is what stupid Americans DO when they go backpack around Europe. Just a good movie...and if you are still willing to visit eastern Europe after that, well, you're a stronger soul than me for sure.
posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 8:03 PM  
Yeah Natalie Portman was just the best actress ever?


The script sucked. I made fun of it for weeks and I loved Star Wars.

"Hold me like you did on Naboo!"

The final battle and the suit made it all worth it, but ALL THREE movies sucked ass when you think about it. Dialouge was crap

BUT JEN YOU STILL HAVE TO SEE 2&3 so that's you'll love the others that much more. Then you sit there and go "AHHA!" when something finally makes sense.
posted by Blogger Jenn at 12:41 PM  
Natalie Portman has the luxury of not having to be that great of an actress. She sells on hotness like Jessica Alba used too. When she turns dumb like Alba, she'll suck too. However, neither of them will suck as hard as Hayden Christensen, and I don't think combining all their suckiness with that of Keanu Reeves would equal that of Matt Schulze.
posted by Blogger Raul Duke at 4:23 PM  

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