Monday, November 20, 2006

Signs of Impending Doom

I know I know...it's Thanksgiving and me and anyone reading this blog is thankful to be able to read this, and dont' get me wrong...I'm thankful that you're reading. I'll be way more thankful once this week is over. Let me tell you why...

The wife and I decided this year maybe we'd have Thanksgiving at our house. Every year, like most married couples with two sets of inlaws in town we do two meals with two different families and it's the one day of the year where I put on at least 1o pounds. Yes, that is different than most other days. I'm actually losing weight thank you. I've lost a whopping seven pounds. I know, you can't believe how much I rule either. Back to the matter at hand. We've informed both of our inlaws that we'd be having dinner at our house this year and informed them what time to come. Amazingly we were met with very little opposition. We had some on her side that decided it would be too crowded and aren't coming. This could be the most interesting Thanksgiving in family history. For the last 18 years my family and I have invited my grandparents up for Thanksgiving, Christmas, whatever. They live about three hours away...in Auburn...who I should mention beat Alabama for the fifth straight year...They never show up. They usually wait until the day before to tell us that we never let them know for sure, or they have other plans. Truth be told my Grandmother doesn't do a damn thing that isn't her idea. She's worse about it than anyone else I know. So, since some of my hot wifes relatives didn't show, I said "Hey honey, why don't we call my grandparents? They won't come but they'll probably appreciate the invite." She agreed, it would be nice and she too was confident they wouldn't come. So I called. Without any form of hesitation at all, they're coming. I say again, after an 18 year drought THEY'RE FRICKIN COMING!!!! I called Mom and told her. My mother was in shock for a second and said "Are you shitting me?" No...I was not. Dad in the background had already begun his week long string of obscenities because he knew they'd be cleaning the house from top to bottom. Mom knew of course that I was inviting them. She also knew that the one constant in this universe is that they don't ever come up when we invite them. They did come up for graduation, so it's not like we never see them. We just can't get them to come for dinner....ever. So how do I know impending doom is coming? Not hard.

I knew with them coming I had to get the yard clean, and of course the house and the garage clean. They've never seen our house before and my grandmother will open every closet in our house to see how clean it is. Every one. So the frantic cleaning and yard work began on Sunday morning. Oddly I woke up and my knee was killing me. So I hobbled around a bit, made some breakfast and thought it would get better. It got worse. It became inconsistent and I couldn't trust it. I have been running a lot but I hadn't run in two days at least. This was pain, and a lot of it. I looked at the yard thinking when I saw it, it may not be that bad. I was wrong. It was somehow worse so I knew I'd have to suck it up and get it done. At least I have a riding mower, and the section that I push mow wouldn't be to bad...right? Yeah...on went the knee brace. It didn't help, but things were going well. The front yard was almost done, the bag was full and I go to empty it. I come back from the bottom of the back yard, and the lawnmower was gone. What the fuck? Seriously, it was right by the front porch when I left. Had Gone in 60 Seconds Lawn Equipment just hit my front yard? Was I going to be left with just a bag? For a second I thought about how much I really did like that lawnmower. Then I noticed something. The neighbors (not the rumrunners, the ones actually next door to us) have a visitor in town and he has a Jeep parked in front of the house. Under the Jeep is my lawnmower. Damnit. So I walk down thinking "not only do I have to buy a new lawnmower I have to buy this guy a new Jeep bumper." Seeing as Jeeps are just about bullet proof when lawn equipment is concerned it was fine. The lawnmower is not. I meant to post a picture, but somehow I figured it would be less funny if you saw it. I'm not sure how, but I forgot to take the picture so we're going with it. I think the lawnmower is done. I'm going to take it to Sears this week to see what they can do, if anything. I imagine the guys there will get a good laugh, but it's pretty bad. The wheels aren't pointed upright anymore and the plastic cover on the engine is pretty well FUBAR. Also the cord won't pull, I'm hoping it's just because of the cover, but we'll see. I might end up with a shiny new lawnmower. But that's not all. I decided this would be the best time to get the riding mower out. It wasn't. I almost flipped it twice and took out several small trees at the edge of the back yard. When changing the bag for some reason the brake let go and the riding mower took off across the back yard. So here is a guy with his knee in lots of pain chasing a riding lawnmower. I'm sure it was really funny to watch, but it sucked. Why is my lawn equipment in such protest? This sucks! So the lawn is done, the knee is still in pain but I might actually go to the doctors office. I don't know. I might just drink a lot of rum this week.

The RumRunners are gone so unfortunately they won't be around to witness all the things that could potentially go wrong with me smoking a turkey on Thursday morning. If we don't get a chance to update again, please send us happy thoughts, and I hope everyone else has a less eventful but very happy Thanksgiving.

4 Comments:

It sounds as if you're going to have quite a week. Good luck with the grandparents!
posted by Blogger Chas at 8:10 PM  
I had to stiffle my laughter at work when I read this. I got a very good image of you hobbling after the Riding mower as it ran through the yard.

Hope the doctor doesn't give you bad news with the knee.
posted by Blogger Chris D. at 8:17 AM  
Chas - maybe it won't be that bad. If you guys are hungry there will likely be plenty of food.

Chris - sorry, I guess I just write and hope it's readable. Got the doctors appointment today so hopefully it will be good news.
posted by Blogger Raul Duke at 11:21 AM  
OMG, Raul. I nearly got busted for being on the internet at work when I snorted really loudly when I got to the part about you chasing after a riding lawnmower. I'm sorry about your knee, but that's just comedy gold.

Hope you and the hot wife have a nice Thanksgiving and the cloud of doom lifts soon...
posted by Blogger Hater Dictator at 8:50 AM  

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