7 of the Lamest Halloween Costumes

It's that time of year again. Time for everyone to pick out a Halloween costume and wear it to their favorite party. To stop you from making a horrid mistake, I compiled a list of Halloween costumes that are completely lame and that you shouldn't wear. You might think them clever, but oh you're mistaken.

The Cross dresser - Honestly this goes either way, but this picture was the quickest to doctor up. If you're a dude and you dress like a chic, you probably wear your girlfriends underwear when she isn't around. If you're a chic and you think it's amusing to dress like a dude - you too probably wear your girlfriends underwear when she isn't around. Halloween is just your excuse to go as the opposite sex because that is where you long to be. Save the money on the outfit, you'll need it for the operation. Either way you should probably get used to yelling "It puts the lotion on its skin!"

Celebrities - Typically people only go as celebrities when they do something stupid. I imagine this year will show a lot of Michael Vick and Paris Hilton in stripes or a prison uniform. You might think "Oh, but a Falcons Jersey that says ConVICKt would be hilarious!" This is wrong. Michael Vick and Paris Hilton have dominated the air waves for long enough and dressing as them in a prison uniform or carrying a bloodied up dog is not clever, or offensive if that's what you're going for. It's dumb. It makes everyone hate you and think what a dumbass you are for paying $50 for an officially licensed costume that the person you're making fun of probably gets some form of royalties from. Did you actually think you would be the only one to go as that person? If not, why would you go as something you KNOW everyone else is gonna do? This makes you either unoriginal or stupid. But most likely, it makes you both. There is but one caveat to the rule about going as celebrity fuckups...
If you can convincingly pass yourself off as Mel Gibson, drunkenly question everyones ethnicity, and refer to every woman you come into contact with as "Sugartits" then you sir earn the elevated level of excellence that comes with a good costume. Gary Busey might be OK too...but thats a fine line your toeing there, so be careful.


The Gangsta - You know, I guess if you're a group of single guys and you all decide to go as the untouchables, that's kinda cool. However, I was at a party this weekend where five tools showed up in costumes so bright that the Dick Tracy comic books called to get their shit back. So I asked "Are you guys the Untouchables?" Their leader looked at me and said "Naw Dawg...we Gangstas cuz dats how we roll yo! Y'all didn't know all us wuz gangsta's?" My hands are still mad at me for not punishing him mercilessly. No one knows how they got an invite to the party. So, the five tards messed it up for everyone and put Gangsta's on the black list...yo!

The Kissing Booth - This idea became not cool the minute Ralph Macchio did something similar in the first Karate Kid movie. Sure then we all thought of how hot it would be to make out with Elizabeth Shue inside your costume. If you really had game though, you could get her in to a real shower and not a lame ass costume. The Kissing Booth Halloween Costume is lame because not only does it seem desperate, it screams "I have NO game whatsoever and am stupid enough to believe this is a good way to get lots of random girls to make out with me." I can only imagine how painfully awkward it must be every time you probably ASK them to kiss you.

Unclever T-shirts - Shirts that say "This is My Costume" should get you a swift kick to the face. These shirts aren't even funny or amusing by the people who design them. At this point I think these are based on a dare among co-workers. "Hey Bill. I bet if I submit this lame ass t-shirt that says 'This IS my costume' stupid people everywhere will line up to buy it. And just think, it'll be the easiest way in the world to discover the assholes." Then Bill responds with "Oh...you're on! No one is that dumb!" Sadly Bill, not only do you lose...we all lose.

The Couples Socket - I don't think i really need to explain this one. This is one of the lamest of the lame Halloween costumes. I don't really have a take on matching couples, but I think it's something where you should proceed with caution. This costume is not clever, cute, or otherwise. Plus, its one of those things where you just KNOW the guy probably had to be talked in to it. Because his girlfriend thought it would be cute. Actually, she just knew it was a good way to mark him as "taken by her" on the night when every girl dresses to slut it up.

Dr. Seymore Butts - Lots of people think that Dr. Seymore Bush, or Seymore Butts is a hilarious costume, but realistically this could be the lamest one on the list. This is the only way I could think of to get less action than the kissing booth. If you wear this costume and say unclever things like "I'm going to have to give you an examination" the only thing you're going to Seymore of is rejection and ridicule. Rather than being funny or clever, it just honestly makes you seem like a serious pervert and just creepy.


The One Night Stand receives the honorable mention. In the even that you live under a rock and haven't seen someone douchy enough to wear this, its someone dressed as a night stand with an empty condom wrapper on it, maybe some aspirin, and maybe an empty liquor bottle. The thing about this costume is that you know its wearer is walking around all night thinking how great it is, and saying to people, "Can you guess what my costume is? huh huh? "

So that's the list. Please don't send me pictures of you in one of the above costumes talking about how funny or how clever it really is. If it was, it wouldn't be on the list. Sending me your photos will only subject you to ridicule that will probably make you cry. So have a safe and Happy Halloween and make sure you avoid the lame at all costs.