Monday, September 19, 2005

Ways to de-stress while dining out

Usually when I get stressed I get some poor telephone salesperson and I've taken to either blowing an air horn in their ear (it's funny but it's mean as hell) or slamming the phone down repeatedly. That usually gives them the hint. Well, the last few times my wife and I have been out we've had some insanely bad service. Not just poor, or because they were busy, just outrageously bad horrid service. So I've come up with some ways to get back at them. Not only are these amusing, these are the best ways I've foud to de-stress your dining out experience.

First off, have fun. Keep it simple as you don't want them to catch on early. After they recite their overly long list of specials, ask them if they serve cow feet. This usually throws them for a loop. If they have a salad bar, ask how many times you're allowed to go back. If they say as many times as you want, ask for a lawn and leaf bag loud enough that other people can hear you. Also inform them that you are within your legal rights because even after you leave, you're not finished eating.

Give them special instructions to keep them busy. Ask for French Toast cooked Medium Rare. Get a pizza with no toppings...hold the crust. Tell them you want your egg whites fried and your yolks poached. Order a basket of Poppy Seed rolls and tell them to scrape the seeds off and put them in a seperate bowl. When they bring them out that way (they have to), tell them to take them back and heat them at 200 degrees.

Always after the food arrives, without exception...send something back. It's considered very sophisticated but make sure you use colorful phrases. Tell them the "veal tastes like the inside front panel of Ferdinand Magellan's short...and I'm referring to the first voyage of course."

Finally, my last and probably most favorite is the pepper mill. This can be a great source of fun. Keep the waiter grinding on this thing for a long time...disturbingly 15 minutes minimum. Keep him going until everyone in the restaurant is really uncomfortable. Then, when your food and silverware are completely covered with a thin layer of ground pepper say very loudly "OKAY STOP! THAT'S PERFECT!!!" This will scare the crap out of them. On their next trip by, call them over and say "I'm sorry. This food has way too much pepper on it!"

It's the little things. Really. Have a good Monday.


Now that is just the kind of laugh I needed on a Monday! The pepper idea is by far my favorite.
posted by Blogger Boonzie at 5:45 PM  
You really need to get published. At the minimum, you should write a column for the Chatt Pulse.
posted by Anonymous Rob at 10:53 PM  
Not sure how the published world would take my random thoughts, but I'm glad you like them Rob.

Boonzie, you'll never look at the pepper grinder the same way again.
posted by Blogger Raul Duke at 10:28 AM  
Or you could just go buy a motorcycle and go for a ride. And get to wear cool boots like my new ones. They are by far, the panty-droppers of boots.

posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 9:13 AM  

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