Saturday, January 13, 2007


At least they circled the problem. I stole that from the RumRunners. When we went to the Indy Race last year I saw a hilarious anti-GM sticker and pointed it out to him. The Doctor (as he will be called) being the huge GM fan that he is fired back with that about Ford...and probably one about Mopar as well but that one stuck...because it was funny. Hilarious even. The worst part is, it's true....

Yesterday was the hot wifes birthday (and she shares it with Blue, so Happy Birthday to Blue as well) and as usual I was searching classified ads at work before it got busy. Then I found something. Not just anything a marvel of German and American Engineering...

Yeah, a 2004 Chrysler Crossfire with a price so low you have to wonder if something was wrong with it. So I furiously devised a master plan that would land this work of art in my driveway and put my hot wife behind the wheel of it. Being the huge Mopar fan that I am, I've wanted one of these since I saw it in concept. Since I'm now an old fat guy I realized that this isn't the car for me so I'd forgotten about it. It's pretty impractical. Actually, it could be the least practical car on the planet because even the Viper has a trunk. Basically this car is a Mercedes SLK Roadster with a fixed roof. Not wickedly fast or particularly brutal, but it's smooth, decent power, and handles like it's on rails. So I call the hot wife and say "Honey, how would you like a nice silver Chrysler Crossfire for your birthday?" I was met with silence. Then "So, you found a Crossfire you want huh?" The plan was to get it, me to drive it a couple months, sell off the Rustang and get a Charger SRT-8 before us and the RumRunners head to Indy again this year. Seeing that this car gets 10mpg better than the Jeep of Doom, I thought this was a fantastic plan. No one but me and my wife ever want to ride in her car anyway as it's not really capable of carrying more than two people so this one would be no different. But it would get better gas mileage, and this car is nice. Really nice. Almost seems like the perfect car for my smoking hot wife. The only thing better would be the SRT-6 Supercharged convertible...but we must be realistic. I had pitched this plan repeatedly. Then comes the bad news...

We get ready to leave for dinner and I ask "Honey, did your car overheat on the way home from work? It smells funny." Further notice shows that the heater core, which was fixed in September, has just blown again and spewed anti-freeze all over my garage. This Ford is clearly making its presence known so this is me letting it know how I feel.

If you have the option of buying a Mustang, just let me kick you in the face and save you the mental anguish you'd have after three years of owning it.

With any decision of this magnatude you have to call your best friends and ask yourself WWMD (What Would Mike Do?)? So I call the RumRunners and the Doctor says this -

Doc - "A Crossfire? Um...Gay?"
Raul - "Seriously though. They're nice cars."
Doc - "Last time I checked you're not 45 and divorced with an earring, and you're not a gay ass hairdresser so...I'm gonna stick with don't get a damn Crossfire you homo."
Raul - "Thanks for the moral support man."
Doc - "That's what I'm here for."

So I call Mike -
Raul - "So what do you think about Crossfires?"
Mike - "I think they're cool. I might like to drive one. You thinkin about getting one?"
Raul - "Sort of. I was gonna drive it to work until Summer time and then get a Charger."
Mike - "Cool. You're getting the supercharged one right?"
Raul - "No, they're a little out of our price range. This I think we can afford."
Mike - "Pussy. If you blog about this I'm going to tell all your blogger friends what a bitch you are for not getting the cool version of the car. Homo."
Raul - "Thanks Mike."
Mike - "Not sure what you're going to do about all that self loathing though."
Raul - "Self loathing?"
Mike - "Yeah, from owning a Charger. That's the ugliest piece of shit I've ever seen."

My moral support is fantastic. If they were any more encouraging I just couldn't stand it.


Well, here's what I think. I am not a sports car person, BUT I LOVE that Crossfire! Yeah, I might think you were a little sissy if I saw you driving it, but since I know you I wouldn't think anything. Who cares what all those people think? You can get rid of that Mustang and your wife gets to drive that Crossfire; this is win/win. If you guys aren't planning on having kids in the next few years then I'd go for it.
posted by Blogger Chas at 10:25 AM  
Jake: Cars got a lot of pick up.

Elwood: It's got a cop motor, a four hundred and forty cubic inch plant, it's got cop tires, cop suspension, cop shocks, it was a model made before catalytic converters so it'll run good on regular gas. Whaddya say? Is it the new Blues Mobile or what?

Jake: Fix the cigarette lighter.

Now Raul, I want you to think to yourself how well such a discussion would go over if they had been in a Crossfire? All done? Exactly. They would have had to immediately change their clothes for something "fabulous" and go off in search of Cosmopolitans. Get a Chrysler 300 at least. It has style.

posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5:47 PM  
Chas - I'm kinda suprised that you like the Crossfire. Not sure why, but I guess since I know what kind of car you drive I didn't think that one would be all that appealing to you. If I give you my wifes cell phone number, would you talk her in to it? I'd love to put one of those in the driveway.

Mike - Crossfires are not gay and you did say you'd want to drive it if we got one so I don't even want to hear it.
posted by Blogger Raul Duke at 1:21 AM  
You're funny :). The car I drive has everything to do with practicality. I drive it b/c it's family friendly, didn't break the bank, and I can drive it for a long time. If I hit the lottery, I wouldn't be driving a Honda Accord. Of course, I still couldn't drive a Crossfire w/ Lila no matter how much money I had, but I still think it's a cute car.
posted by Blogger Chas at 8:48 PM  

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