What your Drink Says...

I've actually been working on this post for a long time. Finally today I ran across it and asked Mike if he'd help me get through it because I'd hit a creative wall on it. So over the course of the afternoon, Mike and I exchanged e-mails and made you a list of what your drink says about you when you're out drinking.

Amaretto Sours – For girls this means you like the taste of Jolly Ranchers but don’t actually like to drink. Chances are you’re out to meet a guy, or your friends told you this was the thing to drink. If you're a guy drinking this, you are clearly an inexperienced drinker and don't actually know what to drink. Having this in hand out in public could lead to some intense humiliation from everyone in the bar. You'd better go ask your friends what they're drinking and order something similar. If they're all drinking amaretto sours, you might be hanging with the wrong crowd, or you could be in a gay bar. This begs the question, “Why aren’t you drinking rum or whiskey?”

Margarita – This can say a lot of things about you actually. The Margarita is one that borders on fru fru girly drink, but is somehow still semi-manly. For girls it can say that you just really want to get stupid drunk and remove all your clothes, or that you just like the taste of sweet and sour mix because as a bartender I’ve seen girls order virgin margaritas. As disgusting as that sounds, I’ve served them both frozen and on the rocks. For guys it can mean you’re enjoying some good Mexican food, or that you like something sweet and salty to cover up the taste of your liquor. For guys it’s almost mandatory to have a top shelf or a shot of tequila on the side. You should still be drinking rum or whiskey.

Vodka and Soda – Also sometimes referred to as “The Highball,” it is deliciously refreshing, particularly with a slice of lime. While a nice top-shelf is recommended, even some house vodka is perfectly acceptable with such a simple cocktail. This drink may not contain whiskey, but I suppose if it was good enough to support an entire economy for the commies, it’ll do in a pinch.

Rum and Coke (coke optional) – Nothing wrong with downing the Captain in mass quantities. Rum by itself says you’re a pirate of some sort, or you wish you were. While, not as popular as whiskey, this is just as manly of a way to get drunk as there is. Cause everyone’s more fun with a little Captain in em.

Whiskey and coke (coke again optional) – Old reliable. If you’re a guy and not a cheap drunk, whiskey in any of its forms will let people know that you’re serious about your liquor, but yet you don’t mind getting drunk and belligerent with the best of them.

Domestic Beer – While not whiskey, beer is also occasionally good. There are a variety of beers made in good ol USA, so we’ll just hit the hi-lights here.

Natural Light – Are you wearing a wife beater with that? No? Oh, you’re a college kid just drinking to get drunk because it’s cheap? Enjoy that headache in the morning.

PBR – If you have to ask what this stands for, you don’t want to know. Also good for fertilizing lawns and soaking wood chips later used for smoking ribs. This says your taste buds are numb, or see the above comments. This beer was, amusingly enough, considered tres chique in New York for a while. Walking into the new “hip place” and seeing swanky Manhatteners paying out the ass for a can of Pabst could quite possibly be the most surreal experience of my life.

Milwaukee’s Best – also known as the beast. If you have to ask why, don’t drink this beer. In fact, just don’t drink it at all.

Budweiser – The King of Beers actually tastes like ass so if you drink this, it either means you’re a hard core Dale Jr. fan, or you just like the taste of ass.

Bud Light – Tastes like water. In college I had friends that drank it because it didn’t actually taste like beer. They have all grown into the pussies we all knew they could be.

Miller Lite – the Light Beer drinker’s beer. Probably the best tasting of any light beer on the market. This shows you have taste, and can drink beer that tastes what beer is supposed to taste like. I hear it’s less filling too…but that could just be the marketing talking.

Imports – These can say a lot of things. My wife always accuses me of being a beer snob because I always try a different import and walk by most of the domestics. I’ll hi-light a few of the imports for you…

Grolsch – this likely means your taste buds were numbed at an early age. If you can make it through one of these without puking or throwing it on the lawn, my hat is off to you.

Corona – aahh Corona. Yes, it’s an acquired tasted, and yes it’s good with Mexican food. It’s good with or without a lime. If you don’t like Corona, your favorite beer is probably bud light. And odds are I hate you.

Warsteiner – a premium beer brought to you by the fine folks of Germany. They actually have a law to ensure that the only products used in their beer are barley, yeast, and hopps. That is a people dedicated to their ale. Oddly, this is one of the most highly sold and distributed beers in the US. I read that somewhere. It’s a little stouter than your standard light beer, but it’s still a good smooth beer. Since it’s rarely ever advertised, I’d have to say this means you’re not a mainstream person and can enjoy something regardless of what your friends think.

Boddingtons – if you haven’t heard of this it likely means you drink Budweiser or Bud Light. It’s an English Pub Ale and it’s very thick and very smooth. It’s probably an old persons beer, but it’s likely the beer that distinguished people drink. You know…beer snobs like me. I believe they are called “Sommaliers.”…or some shit like that.

Guinness – the true king of beers. There is nothing finer than a nice cold Guinness. You can’t see through it, and it’s a lot like drinking a loaf of bread. Not liking this beer makes you have no taste in good beer, and likely means you suck. Enjoying this beer means you have class, high social standing, and definitely means you don’t suck. I hear in Ireland it even tastes a bit like chocolate milk. If you’re really manly, add a shot of Bailey’s and Irish Whiskey and you’ve got yourself an Irish Car Bomb. You really want to impress people? Try to stand up after one or two of those.

So there you have it…the definitive guide of what may, and more importantly, what may not, be consumed at your local watering hole. Sure, you can drink some of that swill if you want, but all the women will think less of you. If you really and truly want to be the man that you think you are, you only really have one option. And that is the boiler-maker. Nothing says what a badass motherfucker you are than a shot of whiskey with a beer to chase it. I challenge anyone to find something more masculine and full of badd-assery than a Clint Eastwood western where he walks into the bar and orders whiskey. If you possess an ounce of testosterone, it is what you do. You do it because you MUST do it.