Crazy bank lady and her nonsense
My wife and I have this friend...actually, it's Mikes sister. Most everyone has heard from or about Mike in some form, but I've never mentioned his sister. At any rate, she works at a bank here in town and they were running a promotion that if you open an account you get $100 free. Since I'm the kind of guy that waits until the last minute, I waited until the very last day as it turns out. So I met Trish somewhere and she gave me a form and said "I tried to call this in, but this woman is a little weird so I'm gonna hand you the form and let you take it in since I'm off today." Not a big deal right? Well, normally it wouldn't be...but this woman was fucking nuts.
I wait in the lobby, just hanging around. The 225lbs of intimidation that I am is getting the stare down from the Jackie Gleason wannabe security guard. He finally approaches and says "Son...what's yer bidness at the bank today?" So I showed him the form and told him I was waiting on Jaba the Hut there to open me an account. He informed me that "bankin bidness" is supposed to wait on the couch. At least that's what I think he said through his chew and lack of teeth. So I sit and wait...still getting the stare down. Finally, me and The Hut get to talk. I was going to just write a check for the minimum to get the account open and my hot wife didn't get to go with me because she was out shopping with Foxy Cousin E. Not a big deal, we get the free $100, Trish gets her credit, we close the account, money comes back to us. Simple. I obviously didn't tell this woman that. So she asked why hot wifes name was on that checking account but I wasn't putting it on this one. I explained it to her and she said "Sir. Are you aware that the divorce rate is over 50 percent? Do you realize that is almost half of all marriages ending in divorce now?" I assured her we weren't going to get divorced over her name not being on the account and I'd add it when she was free. Then comes the nonsense. "Sir, in most cases it is a good idea to have your own money seperate. In some cases even when the spouse doesn't know about it. That way you have money that's all your own and your spouse doesn't know you have it." So I told her that wasn't exactly what I had in mind for an open relationship. She disagreed. Repeatedly. So I sit, and listen to her vominous nonsense while gritting my teeth and just wanting to leave and go watch football. Her best, and probably my most favorite piece of advice was planning for the emergency of my wife leaving me, and that I should keep this account open and active without my wifes name on it. So I just responded. "Yes ma'am. I'll do it. My wife will have no idea that I'm only depositing half of my paycheck in to the account, and the $100 that I'm putting in here today is going to go a long way when we get divorced. I mean, that's so much money these days I bet she'll be stinging when she finds out it's gone. She'd probably take me back just to have access to it...don't you think?" She stared at me for a minute and said "I was only advising to help you out sir, there is no need to be rude about it." So I told her that unless she knew my wife and knew something I didn't, I could probably live another 30 years without her help. Her response "Well thank you very much for those kind words sir. I really appreciate you saying them to me, and I really appreciate your business." So I just said "Make sure Trish gets credit for this account. I don't ever have to want to speak to you directly again. So I took my free coffee mug and headed out. On my way I thanked the security guard for making me feel all warm and fuzzy and having the premises so secure and said "I think the Hut over there has a thing for you. She kept giving you the eye when you weren't looking. Since you're about to close she's probably ready for lunch..again." I know...I'm an asshole...but it's the little things in life that keep you sane.
I wait in the lobby, just hanging around. The 225lbs of intimidation that I am is getting the stare down from the Jackie Gleason wannabe security guard. He finally approaches and says "Son...what's yer bidness at the bank today?" So I showed him the form and told him I was waiting on Jaba the Hut there to open me an account. He informed me that "bankin bidness" is supposed to wait on the couch. At least that's what I think he said through his chew and lack of teeth. So I sit and wait...still getting the stare down. Finally, me and The Hut get to talk. I was going to just write a check for the minimum to get the account open and my hot wife didn't get to go with me because she was out shopping with Foxy Cousin E. Not a big deal, we get the free $100, Trish gets her credit, we close the account, money comes back to us. Simple. I obviously didn't tell this woman that. So she asked why hot wifes name was on that checking account but I wasn't putting it on this one. I explained it to her and she said "Sir. Are you aware that the divorce rate is over 50 percent? Do you realize that is almost half of all marriages ending in divorce now?" I assured her we weren't going to get divorced over her name not being on the account and I'd add it when she was free. Then comes the nonsense. "Sir, in most cases it is a good idea to have your own money seperate. In some cases even when the spouse doesn't know about it. That way you have money that's all your own and your spouse doesn't know you have it." So I told her that wasn't exactly what I had in mind for an open relationship. She disagreed. Repeatedly. So I sit, and listen to her vominous nonsense while gritting my teeth and just wanting to leave and go watch football. Her best, and probably my most favorite piece of advice was planning for the emergency of my wife leaving me, and that I should keep this account open and active without my wifes name on it. So I just responded. "Yes ma'am. I'll do it. My wife will have no idea that I'm only depositing half of my paycheck in to the account, and the $100 that I'm putting in here today is going to go a long way when we get divorced. I mean, that's so much money these days I bet she'll be stinging when she finds out it's gone. She'd probably take me back just to have access to it...don't you think?" She stared at me for a minute and said "I was only advising to help you out sir, there is no need to be rude about it." So I told her that unless she knew my wife and knew something I didn't, I could probably live another 30 years without her help. Her response "Well thank you very much for those kind words sir. I really appreciate you saying them to me, and I really appreciate your business." So I just said "Make sure Trish gets credit for this account. I don't ever have to want to speak to you directly again. So I took my free coffee mug and headed out. On my way I thanked the security guard for making me feel all warm and fuzzy and having the premises so secure and said "I think the Hut over there has a thing for you. She kept giving you the eye when you weren't looking. Since you're about to close she's probably ready for lunch..again." I know...I'm an asshole...but it's the little things in life that keep you sane.
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