Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Q&A With Mike

Upon Mike's reading these lists that are floating around, he decided that all of our lists sucked so he came up with one of his own. Since Mike won't get his own damn blog, I decided to ask him his own list and post here on my blog. The conversation went something like this -

Patrick - So, Mike. You think these lists suck huh?
Mike - Yeah, who writes these lame ass things?
Patrick - I don't know man. Mind if the blogger people of the world ask you a few questions?
Mike - Not so much. Even though I wrote most of those questions. I kept that ones that were worth keeping of your dumb ass list. There were four.
Patrick - This is true, but you're too much of a little bitch to get your own blog.
Mike - uh huh.
1. Patrick - Okay, let's get started then. Have you ever had sex on your bosses desk/ in his office?
Mike - In the office yes, the desk was too small.
2. Q - Have you ever ridden a motorcycle, or at least been on one?
A - Of course I have. I've even rolled one at 80 mph and survived.
3. Q - Have you ever bench-pressed your own body weight?
A - Yes. Multiple Times even.
4. Q - Have you ever done a girl you were datings best-friend, roommate or sister?
A - Yes.
Patrick - On all three counts?
Mike - No, just best friends and roommates. Too bad though, the sister would be a nice one.
5. Q - Have you ever run a 6 minute mile?
A - I have once, but I couldn't now.
6. Q - Have you survived a wreck that you shouldn't have?
A - Yes, read question two again.
7. Q - Ever been in a fight?
A - Yes. It's been a while.
Patrick - And did you win?
Mike - Yes I did. Bitch tried to steal my firecrackers so I had to kick his ass.
8. Q - Have you ever made an incompetent teacher cry and run to the principles office?
A - Yes. It's not my fault she was an incompetent bitch is it?
Patrick - Of course not Mike. I'm sure you did what was right.
Mike - Damn straight I did.
9. Q - Have you intentionally spent the entire day at work doing nothing?
A - Haven't we all? We call those weekdays don't we?
10. Q - Ever successfully picked up the bartender?
A - Yes.
11. Q - Ever finished a fifth by yourself?
A - Absolutely. It's an endeavor that one must embark upon with the utmost care.
12. Q - Ever insulted an activist? You get bonus points for this one if you inspired them to violence.
A - Oh yeah. When I was in Knoxville hippies used to surround my building. Never could get one of those candy asses to get violent though.
13. Q - Ever done a co-worker while on lunch/break?
A - Lindsey and Angel...So yes.
14. Q -
Ever been to a science-fiction convention?
A - Sadly, I have to say yes. I worked Security at the last geekfest here in town.
Patrick - Bonus question, did you beat up any geeks?
Mike - Sadly, no. I really wanted to, but I didn't.
15. Q - Ever had the pleasure of making a Klingon cry like a little bitch?
A - Ha! Yeah, I've done that!
16. Q - Can you do 10 pull-ups?
A - Yes I can. I can do lots of pull-ups. Can you do 10 pull-ups?
Patrick - Yes Mike. I can do 10 pull-ups.
17. Q - Have you ever built a car?
A - Yes. It was a great bonding experience with your dad wasn't it? For those curious, it was my 1971 Dodge Challenger. Then it was a 440 Six Pack car, but it's getting a Hemi.
18. Q - Have you ever pimpslamped one of your ho's 'cause she didn't have your "ends" on time?
A- Heh...No...But that sounds really funny doesn't it?
19. Q - Ever shot a gun?
A - Yep. I even shot my mom's glock.
20. Q - Ever given a Eulogy?
A - Yes. Every time I kill a cockroach. All little bugs that get in my way get a talking to, and then a Eulogy.
21. Q - Ever spent the night in jail?
A - No, but probably should have.
22. Q Have you enjoyed the pleasure of drinking in a shithole bar in a dirty town in the middle of nowhere in Mexico?
A - Yes. Several times in fact. I love Mexico.
23. Q - Have you ever had a one night stand?
A - Yes.
24. Q - Have you ever done a cheerleader?
A - Yes.
25. Q - While in her uniform?
A - Yes.
26. Q - And made her cheer for you?
A - Yes. Made her cheer "Go Mike."
27. Q - Can you change your own oil?
A - Yes, and any guy that answers no to this question please let me know how best to get a hold of you.
28. Q - Ever been skinny dipping?
A - Yes. In our old neighborhood pool. We hopped the fence in the middle of the night.
29. Q - Do you watch Saturday Night Live Celebrity Jeopardy at work?
A - I wish I could. This not safe for work stuff pisses me off. Mainly because I know you can look at anything that says that and not get fired...Bitch.
30. Q - Are you a member of the mile high club?
A - Sadly no.
31. Q - Ever traveled in something other than a plane at over 100 MPH?
A - Yes, two motorcycles and at least two cars because I'm a bad ass.
32. Q - Ever worked in the food service industry?
A - Yes, I was a meat carver at Old Country Buffett and a cook at Durty Nelly's. I hate the food service industry.
33. Q - Ever worn an ascot or sweatervest?
A - Hell no. Any person that answers yes to this, please tell me again how to best get a good hold of you.
34. Q - Do you own at least one pair of excessively cool boots?
A - Yes, I drive an Aprilia. Excessively cool boots are a must.
35. Q - Have you ever actually uttered the phrase, "I think I've had enough to drink?"
A - Fuck no I haven't. HAVE YOU???
Patrick - Not that I can remember.
Mike - Whatever...I bet you have.
36. Q - Ever been kicked out of a club or bar?
A - Yes..a couple times in fact. But never through my own fault.
37. Q - Have you ever, mistakenly or not, hit on a crossdresser?
A - Not that I know of.
Patrick -
I haven't, but I remember the first time I saw one thinking "Damn, that girl has better arms than I do."
38. Q - Have you ever sold a small, and really hard to catch child in to slavery for seriously WAY more money than you ever thought you'd get?
A - Yeah, but I had to get out of that industry what with taxes and outsourcing. No, not really, but it sounds funny right?
Patrick - well, I was starting to worry when I read that question.
Mike - I thought that was a good one.
39. Q - Been to Vegas?
A - Yep.
40. Q - Were you one of those assholes running around giving each other high-fives and yelling "what plays in Vegas stays in Vegas" all while not actually getting any in Vegas?
A - Oh...You know me better than that. No.
41. Q - Ever make a pilgrimage to New Orleans?
A - New Orleans....My Elysium. Yes...I have...
Patrick - Jen and I spent part of our honeymoon there. Somehow I have a feeling we had completely different New Orleans experiences.
Mike - Yeah...You could probably say that.
42. Q - Have you enjoyed Patricks sausage?
A - Yes. As dirty as that question sounds you do seem to always invite me over for Sausage night.
Patrick - Yeah, and the last one kinda sucked. Emeril's chicken sausage is much better than the Fresh Market stuff.
Mike - That and you overcooked the hell out of the Fresh Market stuff.
Patrick - I don't see you complaining about free food and free tequila bitch.
43. Q - Ever kill another homie for frontin in your crib?
A - No, but it sounds funny.
44. Q - Use your nine?
A - Sadly I don't even own a nine.
45. Q - Ever compare yourself to those silly ho's on Sex and the City?
A - I'm totally a Samantha.
46. Q - Ever blow anything up?
A - Oh yeah. I blew some shit up real good.
47. Q - Did you talk about fight club?
A - You're not supposed to talk about Fight Club. DID YOU TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB????
Patrick - No. Nobody talks about Fight Club.
Mike - Das right bitch.
48. Q - Do you know what a combinatorial algorithm is?
A - Yes, do you?
Patrick - No. I can't say as I do but I'm sure it has something to do with your job.
49. Q - Ever gotten up, walked out, left everything behind and just decided to start over?
A - Not yet.
50. Q - Ever watched all 3 Matrix movies back to back?
A - I have. Have you?
Patrick - Not yet, but I hope to.
51. Q - Have you enjoyed the Members Boobie/Booty thread?
A - On a daily basis. You?
Patrick - Since you turned me on to it...Yeah...
Mike - Das right bitch.
52. Q - Ever watched the Family Guy and wondered if they can fucking hear Stewey or not?
A - CAN THEY? Seriously? What the fuck is up with that?
53. Q - Ever been to Manhattan?
A - Yes, couple times in fact.
54. Q - Ever visited Ground Zero?
A - Yeah, and the picture vendors really piss me off.
55. Q - Ever drag raced someone?
A - Yes...I've even raced you before.
Patrick - Yeah...But I can say I've drag raced someone in a muscle car on a major drag strip. Can you?
Mike - Not yet.
Patrick - Candy ass.
56. Q - Have you ever made someone take a purity test just to ensure they were a big enough ho?
A - Yeah, that's about the only thing those dumb ass tests are good for.
57. Q - Ever sustained physical injury attempting to pick someone up?
A - Yes I have...Cigarette burns.
58. Q - Ever been one of those losers on a reality show?
A - Fuck no.
59. Q - Ever laughed with glee at the thought of Martha Stewart getting buttraped in prison with a wisk?
A - Ha ha ha ha! Yeah...I have.
60. Q -
Do you wear a little cell phone ear piece that makes it look like you're talking to yourself?
A - Hell no. Also, should anyone answer yes to this question, please let me know how best to find you...
61. Q - Do you pray towards Mecca?
A - No. Again, if you answer yes please forward me your contact info and a good time to get a hold of you.
62. Q - Have you ever let someone eat something really hot just to laugh at them afterwards?
A - Yeah. It was really funny too.
Patrick - Yeah, I've done that to two people. Both times it was insanely funny.
63. Q - Do you think Arnold is actually a pretty good politician and that most Californians are just fucking retarded?
A - Yes, I think Arnold is a good governor.
Patrick - but not all Californians are retarded.
64. Q - Does the word sodomy make you fidget in your seat?
A - Nope, not me.
65. Q - What constitutes a fidget?
A - Damned if I know.

Patrick - Well that was enlightening.
Mike - It's certainly better than your dumb ass lists. Who writes that shit anyway?
Patrick - I don't know. But hey, here's an idea for you.
Mike - Sure.


Different experiences. heh. Last time in New Orleans, I was given a personal tour of the French Quarter by a real life pimp. Showed me all the little bars, and back alleys and even introduced me to his ho's and such. Really gave it all a nice, personal, touch.
posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10:40 AM  
Really shoulda left The Marvin question in too. I'm determined to make that as common knowledge as The Dirty Sanchez
posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10:42 AM  
Interesting interview. I now think that Mike needs to get a blog.
posted by Blogger Chris D. at 11:35 AM  
Yes, if Mike had his own blog he could post his marvins and dirty sanchez's any time he wanted to.
posted by Blogger Raul Duke at 11:36 AM  
"What constitutes a fidget?"

This and the whole Fight Club thing were my hilarious favorites, but this whole conversation had me rolling. You guys are ridiculously funny! Man, I'm glad I'm back to reading my regular blogs!
posted by Blogger Boonzie at 12:36 PM  
I'm glad you're back too boonzie...good to see you floating around.
posted by Blogger Raul Duke at 12:55 PM  
I'm glad your back too. You can have a Marvin.
posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 2:20 PM  
Boy, I think you might be retarded.
posted by Blogger Raul Duke at 5:02 PM  
So the real question is "What WAS your purity test score?" (wink wink)
posted by Blogger Jenn at 11:41 PM  

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