Sunday, February 13, 2005

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers

Attention Wal-Mart shoppers. We are laying out some new ground rules to help the shopping experience of you and everyone around you. The first basic rule being that you cannot have your head in your ass when you get within 200 feet of the parking lot. Since we're talking about parking lots, you are no longer allowed to back traffic up for nine miles so you can get the spot second from the door. If it's open when you get there, it's yours. If it isn't, you're not allowed to wait but since you won't have your head in your ass this won't be a problem anymore. On your way in from your car, since you haven't blocked traffic yet, you are not allowed to walk down the center of the aisle and utter things like "I'm a pedestrian I have rights." You will move or you will get hit by the largest SUV and we will make sure that no one presses charges. Again, no heads in asses should make this easy to comply with.

Upon entering the store, get a cart if you want one, if you don't keep walking. Deciding on a cart does not take the help of those around you. You either need one or you don't. If you are fat and lazy, you are not allowed to use the electric mobile carts. It will do your fat ass some good to walk around the store for an hour. Just make sure you don't walk down the candy aisle. Leave the mobile carts for the elderly who really can't stand for that long, or those who are in a wheelchair. If you do take a cart and decide you do not need it, you are not allowed to leave it in the aisle. You should have made that decision when you walked in. Now you must take it back to the front or keep it with you. We at Wal-Mart encourage carts because it means you'll spend more money. If you have a cart, have consideration for those who do not. Don't block the aisle with it or cut them off. I'm sure since your head is no longer in your ass this will not be a problem either.

Lastly, you either walk down the aisle or don't. There is no standing in the aisle preventing people from walking up and down it. Finally, we have checkout. When you check out, you do not argue with the checkout person. They do not set the prices and you do not get a discount because you shop at Wal-Mart all the time. Everyone shops at Wal-Mart, that's why we control the world.

We're sure these new rules will be hard to comply with at first so we have hired two Ukranians named Ivan and Yven to run security at every store (yes, that are that many Ukranians named Ivan and Yven in this world - trust us) with their less than ethical cousins. Believe us they do not care about your problems. Should you be caught with your head in your ass, they will help you remove it. Should you be caught not obeying these rules we have given our Ukranian thug friends the authority to take whatever measures necessary to make sure these rules are inforced 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year. If you do not like these rules, once again we rule the world and will make sure you shop here and comply with these rules. We know at first the light will be bright as some of you were born with your heads in your asses, but we promise it will only be painful until you learn to cope with the real world. Once again we thank you for your time and consideration in all of these things and we appreciate you taking time to shop with us here are your friendly Wal-Mart.

Can you tell who had the misfortune of going to Wally World today?

4 Comments:

Isn't Walmart such a ~fun~ place to shop at? :D
posted by Blogger Insanity Infusion at 8:55 PM  
That was great Patrick, and totally great! God Bless Target!
posted by Blogger Jenn at 10:42 PM  
ROFLAMO!!!!

Oh that is great. You put in words what I think everytime I go to Wal-Mart. Same thing for my wife. The trick is to go before all the idiots/rednecks get there I've determined. On the weekends this is anytime before 10 am. At night time that is anytime after 9PM I believe.

So can you send Ivan and Yven to Iowa to implement some rules at our Wal-Mart. Hell just send about three of their cousins!
posted by Blogger Chris D. at 6:06 PM  
Oh don't worry, Ivan and Yven will be coming to a Wal-Mart near you very soon.
posted by Blogger Raul Duke at 6:33 PM  

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