New Rules for driving in Traffic

It seems people on the way to work don't know how to drive in traffic so I've come up with some rules on what you can and can't do in rush hour traffic. First off, it is no longer acceptable to talk on your damn cell phone in bumper to bumper traffic. If you choose to drive in the left hand lane, be reminded that it is the fast lane. If you are uncomfortable traveling at or above the speed limit, we suggest you opt for the right hand lane. A new law being passed in the city will allow those that wish to go faster to push you out of the way or in to a ditch if you are not abiding by this law. Insurance companies are being informed of this as we speak and they will not accept "I was swerving to miss an animal" or another bullshit story when we all know you were driving too slow on your cell phone in the left hand lane. No one finds this amusing at all. You are also no longer allowed to switch lanes repeatedly to find the one that is moving faster. If you ass clowns would pick a lane and drive, we would all get there at the same time. Since no one in the left hand lane is afraid of the speed limit, we suggest you try that lane if you are in a hurry. We understand that some of you folks that are too scared or too stupid to drive the speed limit will need to turn left at some point. If you cut someone off in an attempt to get in the turn lane because you're driving too slow and they hit you, you will be charged with the accident and we'll allow that other person to beat you until they're out of breath. If this is your goal, please make sure you cut off the fat guy on his cell phone with the bag of donuts. Chances are they will tire much easier than someone with pent up aggression like myself. Should you need to turn left, it does not become the problem of the people in the left hand lane. Just because you put your blinker on does not mean we're going to clear the way for you. You have to wait your turn or again you will be run into the ditch or the concrete wall and have a wrecked car. Insurance claims on this type of incident are null and void. For those of you that think you can make people move by pulling over in the other lane, you cannot. I think once one or two of you hit those walls at 45 mph, you'll realize that they hurt and do not move when you hit them.

For enforcing these new laws we have gone outside of the city police department because they are some of the worst offenders. We are now arming a select group of people with big thick Rhino-Lined bumpers that are impervious to damage so when your gargantuan SUV or rice burner runs in to them, you will be the one left with a mark that lets people know you're in idiot. If you choose not to abide by these rules, we offer public transportation that is probably a better option for you.