Monday, November 07, 2005

I'm an Asshole

Yeah, I'm sure most of you already knew this, but this weekend I've proved it beyond a shadow of a doubt so if any of you are still undecided on this one, you'll be decided shortly. Let's start with solicitations. I've blogged before about how to deal with phone and mail solicitors as ways to relieve stress. Sometimes it works. I got a call early Saturday morning and informed them that we do not take sales calls on Saturday mornings so she hung up. Anyway, we've been getting a lot of them here lately. Instead of my usual tactics of making them wait or telling them that I'm dead I've gone to a new level of jackass with them. Now I've either been screaming in to the phone really loud and hanging up, or I've been blasting them with an air horn...then hanging up. Neither of which they seem to appreciate.

Friday night we saw Better Than Ezra. They put on a fantastic show and were probably too big for the venue they were playing in. I'll let my wife review that show, but I will say I had a really good time. My post is going to be about their opening act. This guy gets up on stage with a guitar wearing a ghostbusters shirt. Then he closed his eyes and broke in to song. I thought for a second someone in the audience had gotten bored waiting on BTE but that wasn't the case. After two songs that sounded exactly the same, he said in his first address of the audience "In case you all are wondering I'm from Atlanta and I'm a Ghostbuster...when...when I'm there. That's...us...why I'm wearing the shirt." Then he broke in to another song. After two or three he picks up an Accordian. Think I'm kidding?
Yeah, this stuff is just too good to make up. I was not able to contain myself seriously. I laughed so hard I'm pretty sure everyone in the bar could hear me. We ended up finding a girl I went to high school with that I haven't seen in years so we watched the show with them and I was laughing so hard they started laughing, and then the people next to us started laughing. I know this guy heard me. Somehow in my laughter I said "What's next Bagpipes or a Banjo?" I had to leave before I made this guy so mad that we were kicked out so I went to the bar to get my hot wife and I a drink. I laughed inside most of the way there. I told the bartender what we wanted and he whipped up some mess of liquors and mixers that it looked like vomit. I'd ordered my wife the ever fru fru Raspberry Vodka and soda. He said "No seriously, I made this for her last time. She liked it." I said "You didn't make it last time dumbass and that looks like three day old barf. Who the hell would drink that?" He said maybe it was someone else so he made me the fru fru drink she was after. At least I ordered a Corona so he couldn't screw that up. Back to our spot on the floor with my hot wife and an old friend and I started laughing again. Opening Act guy had pulled out a banjo. I lost it. It was too much. I know he heard me because the host came on stage and told him to cut it short. Poor guy, his songs were good but he just was depressing and his songs all sounded alike. I thought about buying his CD for a good comic relief but he was standing next to the stand where they were selling them and I knew if I walked up he'd say "Aren't you the asshole that was laughing through my entire set?" I could just see that not going well in my mind. Finally BTE took the stage and they were an awesome show.

On the way out, I ran in to an ex-girlfriend from high school. I could spend days blogging about what an evil bitch this girl was and is but no one wants to read that. I was talking to a friend from my former place of work and out of the bathroom walks my ex-girlfriend. In addition to her being a horrid bitch, she's very prissy. She can't walk by a reflective surface without stopping to check her hair, clothes and make-up. She always thinks she has to look perfect and she's extremely self conscious. When I met my wife (then known as the hot girl from my calc 2 class) she found out and would call or e-mail me to find out why I was dating someone. We'd been broken up for almost two years at this point so that should give you some idea. We still run in to her grandparents on occasions but that's a story I'll share later. Back to the matter at hand. The show is over, I'm talking to a friend, the wife is in line in the bathroom. Out of the bathroom walks the creature from the Avon Lagoon. Did I mention she was so covered in make-up on a regular basis that she'll look like a saddle bag when she's 30? Yeah. It's bad. I've applied bondo to a wrecked car thinner than she wears make-up. I see her and (not) accidently blurt out "Oh Fuck." She sees me and gives me a look like she can't believe I'm there. Here is the funny part. Her hair is an absolute wreck, and she's vomited in it. I'm assuming it was hers, but either way, she did have vomit in her overly bleached blonde hair. I thought she'd been trampled so I laughed and turned away. She walks over, gets in my face and says "Hhheeeyyy" in a drunken stupor. I said "Too much to drink?" At this point she had to lean on someone to continue to stand and she said "Yep. I need to get out of here." I said "Well, drive drunk and kill yourself bitch." I got some funny looks from people around me but she did leave and that was the goal. I'm really nice to almost all of my ex-girlfriends but for some reason just not her. I really think it's because I'm an asshole. I have to be.

Outside of that, the weekend was good. Got little accomplished but did manage to see Jarhead. It's good, go see it.

6 Comments:

Yeah I concur with your title, but if the dude can't sing then he shouldn't be up there.

I don't go to many concerts but the one's I got to they'd better be able to sing. And I've found most rock people can't sing worth a damn, but country western people can. Not sure why that is, but it's something I've observed.
posted by Blogger Chris D. at 11:32 AM  
Thanks for calling me an asshole Christian. It's not that dude couldn't sing, it was just that be broke out an accordian and a banjo in a bar as an opening act for Better Than Ezra. The song he sang he said was about drinking whiskey and playing yahtzee.

Probably still the second best concert I've ever seen was Aaron Tippin opening up for Brookes and Dunn. The best would have to be Harry Connick Jr. in Athens.
posted by Blogger Raul Duke at 12:08 PM  
Okay...Asshole is a little to much! :) But I'm there with you. I'd probably be thinking the same thing as you if I went to the concert.

I would love to see Harry Connick Jr. I'll be that he puts on an awesome show.
posted by Blogger Chris D. at 3:36 PM  
So, um, yeah. I'd just like to thank you SO MUCH for putting up a post juuuuuust hilarious enough to cause me to make a spectacle of myself, shooting soda pop out of my nose just as a co-worker walked up. Thanks a mil!
posted by Blogger Boonzie at 6:31 PM  
That's funny. Sorry about the soda pop out the nose, that has to hurt. Hopefully your co-workers don't ask too many questions.
posted by Blogger Raul Duke at 9:52 PM  
If they do, I'll just shoot pop out of my nose again. Keeps 'em guessing.
posted by Blogger Boonzie at 11:53 AM  

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