New Rules for working out at the Gym

Okay, so I've noticed that we have rules posted everywhere at the Y, but they're really just suggestions it seems. I look at some of these rules and think "that's a no-brainer isn't it?" It would seem for some folks it is not. We're going to start with the cardio equipment. There is a dumbass rule that says you have to sign up for it and reservations are forfeited after 10 minutes. This is a dumb rule. You either use it or don't. Don't sign up for a machine a day in advance if you're not going to use it. You can now only sign up 30 minutes in advance. If you change your mind, cross your name off the list and be done with it. If someone is signed up for a machine, don't get on it hoping they won't show. Find a different machine. Next we've got music. Honestly, the music we play in the gym in outdated crap so you're welcome to bring your own headphones. Someone in the upper management likes this unmotivational homosexual music so we really can't do anything about it. If you bring your own headphones - which we encourage you to do - please do not sing. If you can't hear yourself sing, we will record it so you can play it back later and hear how bad you really sound. It is also advised that you not dance because chances are you can't hear everyone laughing at you because - as luck would have it - you can't dance either. Sorry, but please enjoy your music. Next on the list we have gym apparel. There is a sign that says "Proper gym attire must be worn at all times." Proper gym attire can be taken in numerous ways. We won't go in to spandex, or who is allowed to wear it, or what because that would just take too long. This basically means keep your clothes on. Just because you're working abs doesn't mean you have a stomach that everyone wants to see. Chances are, we don't. We're here to get a workout and no one could care how you perceive yourself to look. If you bust out of your shirt to flex in the mirror, you're going to get hit with a very heavy dumbell. Trust me, as good as you think you are, when a 105lb dumbell falls on your chest it's going to hurt. Now, we're going to introduce a new rule. Workout or go home. This is not the place to pick up women, and I assure you that the women there just want to work out. They're not checking you out, and I can almost guarantee you that they don't want you to talk to them or pose for them. If they do, they'll probably do it outside of the facility. The last thing they need is a three toed sloth hovering over them while they work out. Move on, or spend your night in a bar. Hitting on a girl that's married, or honestly trying to get a workout will also get you hit with a dumbell, and it's going to hurt for days. You don't really want the girl you're trying to conquest to see you curled up in a ball on the floor crying like a two-year-old do you? We didn't think so. Lastly, closing time. The staff members here have things to do as well. That means if we close at nine, you'd best be hitting the door at nine - not walking to the shower. If you attempt to start a shower at 8:59, the hot water will instantly be turned off and replaced with raw sewage. Perhaps these rules seem a little harsh, but I think we've become too soft as a society. I think some toughening up is in order. With all these new rules, I imagine everyone that has a gym membership will be in great shape.