Monday, October 29, 2007

7 of the Lamest Halloween Costumes

It's that time of year again. Time for everyone to pick out a Halloween costume and wear it to their favorite party. To stop you from making a horrid mistake, I compiled a list of Halloween costumes that are completely lame and that you shouldn't wear. You might think them clever, but oh you're mistaken.

The Cross dresser - Honestly this goes either way, but this picture was the quickest to doctor up. If you're a dude and you dress like a chic, you probably wear your girlfriends underwear when she isn't around. If you're a chic and you think it's amusing to dress like a dude - you too probably wear your girlfriends underwear when she isn't around. Halloween is just your excuse to go as the opposite sex because that is where you long to be. Save the money on the outfit, you'll need it for the operation. Either way you should probably get used to yelling "It puts the lotion on its skin!"

Celebrities - Typically people only go as celebrities when they do something stupid. I imagine this year will show a lot of Michael Vick and Paris Hilton in stripes or a prison uniform. You might think "Oh, but a Falcons Jersey that says ConVICKt would be hilarious!" This is wrong. Michael Vick and Paris Hilton have dominated the air waves for long enough and dressing as them in a prison uniform or carrying a bloodied up dog is not clever, or offensive if that's what you're going for. It's dumb. It makes everyone hate you and think what a dumbass you are for paying $50 for an officially licensed costume that the person you're making fun of probably gets some form of royalties from. Did you actually think you would be the only one to go as that person? If not, why would you go as something you KNOW everyone else is gonna do? This makes you either unoriginal or stupid. But most likely, it makes you both. There is but one caveat to the rule about going as celebrity fuckups...
If you can convincingly pass yourself off as Mel Gibson, drunkenly question everyones ethnicity, and refer to every woman you come into contact with as "Sugartits" then you sir earn the elevated level of excellence that comes with a good costume. Gary Busey might be OK too...but thats a fine line your toeing there, so be careful.

The Gangsta - You know, I guess if you're a group of single guys and you all decide to go as the untouchables, that's kinda cool. However, I was at a party this weekend where five tools showed up in costumes so bright that the Dick Tracy comic books called to get their shit back. So I asked "Are you guys the Untouchables?" Their leader looked at me and said "Naw Dawg...we Gangstas cuz dats how we roll yo! Y'all didn't know all us wuz gangsta's?" My hands are still mad at me for not punishing him mercilessly. No one knows how they got an invite to the party. So, the five tards messed it up for everyone and put Gangsta's on the black list...yo!

The Kissing Booth - This idea became not cool the minute Ralph Macchio did something similar in the first Karate Kid movie. Sure then we all thought of how hot it would be to make out with Elizabeth Shue inside your costume. If you really had game though, you could get her in to a real shower and not a lame ass costume. The Kissing Booth Halloween Costume is lame because not only does it seem desperate, it screams "I have NO game whatsoever and am stupid enough to believe this is a good way to get lots of random girls to make out with me." I can only imagine how painfully awkward it must be every time you probably ASK them to kiss you.

Unclever T-shirts - Shirts that say "This is My Costume" should get you a swift kick to the face. These shirts aren't even funny or amusing by the people who design them. At this point I think these are based on a dare among co-workers. "Hey Bill. I bet if I submit this lame ass t-shirt that says 'This IS my costume' stupid people everywhere will line up to buy it. And just think, it'll be the easiest way in the world to discover the assholes." Then Bill responds with "'re on! No one is that dumb!" Sadly Bill, not only do you lose...we all lose.

The Couples Socket - I don't think i really need to explain this one. This is one of the lamest of the lame Halloween costumes. I don't really have a take on matching couples, but I think it's something where you should proceed with caution. This costume is not clever, cute, or otherwise. Plus, its one of those things where you just KNOW the guy probably had to be talked in to it. Because his girlfriend thought it would be cute. Actually, she just knew it was a good way to mark him as "taken by her" on the night when every girl dresses to slut it up.

Dr. Seymore Butts - Lots of people think that Dr. Seymore Bush, or Seymore Butts is a hilarious costume, but realistically this could be the lamest one on the list. This is the only way I could think of to get less action than the kissing booth. If you wear this costume and say unclever things like "I'm going to have to give you an examination" the only thing you're going to Seymore of is rejection and ridicule. Rather than being funny or clever, it just honestly makes you seem like a serious pervert and just creepy.

The One Night Stand receives the honorable mention. In the even that you live under a rock and haven't seen someone douchy enough to wear this, its someone dressed as a night stand with an empty condom wrapper on it, maybe some aspirin, and maybe an empty liquor bottle. The thing about this costume is that you know its wearer is walking around all night thinking how great it is, and saying to people, "Can you guess what my costume is? huh huh? "

So that's the list. Please don't send me pictures of you in one of the above costumes talking about how funny or how clever it really is. If it was, it wouldn't be on the list. Sending me your photos will only subject you to ridicule that will probably make you cry. So have a safe and Happy Halloween and make sure you avoid the lame at all costs.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Tumbler Update

So it's been a while since we posted anything about the puppy. Mainly because we lost the camera cord and couldn't get the pictures off. Some Guy Moving to Wyoming suggested we get a card reader since all of our USB cables have disappeared. No idea where they went or why...but they're gone. Lucky us, the laptop I have at work has a card reader on it. So, we've got some pictures of the puppy. Some are about a month old, and some are pretty new. For your Monday enjoyment...

He does like riding in the Jeep, and we've since gotten him a leash that attaches to the seat belt. This is probably a month or so old.

I think driving down the road he'd rather be sitting in your lap than in the back seat. This is on the way home with his new leash.

Occasionally he likes to take over my bean bag. Usually I'll sit in that on the floor with him and watch TV. I got up to get something to drink and this is what I found when we came back. This was taken this weekend and he weighs about 60lbs now.

Apparently sleeping in my bean bag wears him out. I think he figures if he falls asleep by the door we won't put him outside for the night. So far he's been proven wrong. I'm not sure we'll hold strong on this one for much longer as it is getting cold. I imagine he'll get a nice big pillow and he'll start sleeping in the bedroom with us.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Does it come in Black?

The new phone we upgraded to a while ago got a little damp while I was learning to lay tile a few weeks ago. If you were curious, I kick ass at laying tile now. If I can just talk the wife in to laying it in our kitchen, that might rule. Anyway, so two of the keys stop working on the phone and I thought while it was still under warranty I'd go get it replaced. The girl behind the counter when we went in made sure I knew that the phone had been damp and I was lucky because if it had been any more damp she wouldn't replace it. Blah blah blah, you're too self important. Phones get damp when you lay tile and sweat through your clothes. So just to be difficult she said she had to ship me a phone because they didn't keep them in the store. Fine. It finally comes in FedEx a few days later and I'm all the box...and it's pink. Do I look like someone that would carry a pink phone? Hell no I don't. So I drive to the Verizon place, wait in line for an hour, and ask the new assface behind the counter "Does it come in Black?" The Batman Begins reference is lost on shit for brains here. His only response is "We've never carried a black phone. You ordered a pink one, and you didn't order it here." Then he just stares at me. I can see the girl that ordered the phone for me a week ago and I point to her and say "That's who ordered it. I'm not blaming anyone, but I'm not carrying a pink phone...the nine key is not that important to me." So he taps away at his computer screen and says "No. You did NOT order this phone here, we won't fix it because it's not our problem." So I stare him down for a second and say "I ordered it from her, last week. Sunday to be specific. Phone color was never specified, maybe it's my fault, maybe it's a distribution error. I don't care. I just don't want a pink phone." He hunches over a bit, taps away at his computer, then says "Oh. We did order it for you. Do you want this one?" Silence. I wait until he's uncomfortable and says " silver be alright? We don't have black." I just nod my head and let him get to work on transferring the phone book over. While I'm there, I see a 400lb woman in the lobby sobbing, boo hooing, and slobbering at the front counter. You can tell the associate helping her isn't comfortable with whatever redneck drama she's brought to her at this point it's a train wreck and I have to stand and watch. She's yelling at the manager, and calling her husband, and calling friends asking if they can text everyone in her phone book and blah blah blah. The manager gets tired of getting drooled on so she walks off. This behemoths phone was stolen in Wally World and she wanted a free replacement. It would seem she opted out of insurance, so the manager offered her a discount since it was an unfortunate situation. This woman would have no part of a discount and called the manager a "not very nice person" in the midst of her slobbering and drooling. So the assistant manager came out and told her if she wouldn't accept that, they just weren't going to do anything with her. Then, she grabs the land line they have, calls everyone she knows again and starts screaming at the top of her lungs "I can tell you people right now that you're not as nice as the people at the other Verizon store! Not near as nice!" Then she started crying and slobbering again and I think everyone there was watching her, including the sales people. This grown woman was literally throwing a temper tantrum. In short, her story was simple. She was sitting on a bench at Wally World, eating her double cheeseburger with an extra large diet coke, went to move her king size snickers bar off her lap, and some woman walks up, opens her purse and takes out her cell phone then walks away. She emphasized that this mysterious woman just walked away. Didn't run, didn't shove her, nothing. Opened her purse, took the phone, walked away. No one thought to ask "Um...if some woman came up and started going through your purse, why didn't you stop her?" Seriously? Why would you NOT stop someone from going through your shit? To me this makes sense, to a 400lb drama queen I'm sure we just don't understand.

Physical Therapy has been going well. I'm still really sore but what he says makes sense so I think I'm getting better and hopefully can be back on the road to being a spartan warrior again soon.