Thursday, June 29, 2006

Move Review - Superman Returns

Well, I called this movie as last summers Batman Begins. It was a good movie, don't get me wrong...but it wasn't Batman Begins. We did manage to see it last night at 9:00 and were out just before midnight because it's a little over 2 hrs and 45 minutes. Supposedly this movie picks up where the second one left off and disregards completely the second and third movie. I didn't get that from it, but you could tell it didn't restart the franchise like Batman Begins did. The action was a little slow at times, but the action was good when it hit. The basic story is that Superman leaves earth because astronomers found remnants of Krypton in outer space so he traveled out to see them and see if there were any other survivors. Why this took five years, no one knows. He returns to find the world has moved on, and Lois Lane won a pulitzer prize for her article about why the world doesn't need Superman. She's engaged, smokes, and has a son. I won't tell you any spoilers, but the movie is worth seeing on the big screen. Just make sure you see an early show because it is kinda long. As far as casting, I think you'd be hard pressed to set a better cast than this one for Superman. Brandon Routh carried off the role very well, and Kate Bosworth (who is also smoking hot) pulled off the Lois Lane character much better than Margot Kidder. As far as villans go, Kevin Spacey is about as good of an actor as you can find for anything. In this he was disgustingly evil, and damn good at it. He worked a deal with a dying widow to inherit her fortune if she bailed him out of jail so he's out. There is also the twist that Superman was called as a witness in his trial but didn't show because he was out I guess. The movie is good, the trailers on it are just as good, just make sure that you have time to see it. Tomorrow we leave for Texas so this will probably be my last post until then. Next week I've got a Bobby Flay interview, and still a post yet to come about the new gym. If we don't catch up again, I hope everyone has a good fourth of July!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Why I hate Bobby Flay

Before I rant too much about Bobby Flay, I need to say something about Maxim. It's no secret that I read it, and that it's mostly Playboy with clothes, but they have good movie reviews and products that I likely can't afford. Anyway, they do their yearly Hot 100. I don't have a problem with this years winner (Eva Longoria takes the top spot for two straight years now) but somehow or another Cameron Diaz made the top 10 and beat Jessica Alba. What blind retard put this pile of crap together? Seriously, Cameron Diaz is above Carmen Electra, Jessica Simpson, Shakira, Poppy Montgomery, and lots of others that's she's not even in the same ball park with. Needless to say I'm not a Diaz fan as I think she looks like Corky from Life Goes on that had a not so decent sex change. For me she ranks down there with Tori Spelling, and I have rules about those two. If they're in a movie, I just don't care who else is I just can't watch it. Anytime they're on my TV I change the channel because they make me violent. Since today's rant is about food, do you know who should have made Maxim's Hot 100? Giada De Laurentiis. She's smoking hot, and she can cook. If this bookstore ever burns down, I'm moving to food network to be a camera guy on her show. If my wife ever leaves me and Carmen Electra won't have me, you could probably find me stalking her. Yeah, I aim high.

Speaking of violence, let's move on to Bobby Flay.

It's summer time and I really like to cook on this Brinkmann grill I got for Christmas last year. I look for excuses to grill year round, but typically I only get to do it in the summer time. When people come over, or talk to me about grilling (which I'm not one to take advice from about grilling, I just enjoy it) they usually say "Oh, you must really like Bobby Flay." No. I don't like Bobby Flay even a little bit. Bobby Flay is a bigger asshole than I am. I was recently talking to a friend (who you can find her blog at the new link on the side at and it's a funny as hell read) about Bobby Flay and expressed my disgust with him to her. She sent me this artcile. I can't think of anything more truly spoken, and for you Boonzie there is even some about how annoying Rachel Ray is. Seriously, what is the big deal about Bobby Flay? Why couldn't Chef Morimoto whip his sorry ass ninja style at kitchen stadium? For Christmas last year my in-laws asked if I wanted a Bobby Flay cookbook or something. I told them if I got anything even remotely related to Bobby Flay it had better come with a receipt. As the article states, not only is he the biggest dick on Food Network, he's the ONLY dick on Food Network. His recipes are not that special and what little I've managed to sit through his shows they suck ass too. I came up with a Bobby Flay drinking game once to try and make him more tolerable but it didn't last. Basically every time he did something that was annoying or was a dick you take a shot. I think I passed out and had finished a bottle of rum before the first commercial break. At any rate, there are legions of people on the internet that hate Bobby Flay and I'm glad I'm not the only one. I keep hoping when he's on Iron Chef that one of the other chefs will whip his ass. Seriously, let me be a judge on Iron Chef when he's on. I don't care what he makes, I'd be the most colorful and entertaining judge on the planet.

"So Mr. Duke what do you think of Mr. Flay's current dish?"

"Didn't you see me spit that shit out and vomit on the floor? The vomit that's now underneath this table tasted better than that concoction of ass. Is he trying to poison us? I had to drink half the bottle of rum I smuggled in just to get the taste out of my mouth."

It would probably be the only time in Food Network History that a judge threw food at one of the chefs, and they had to bleep out the things said about the food. If he could produce something original, maybe genuinely compliment another chef, or do something besides be a raging dickhead he might be more tolerable. For now, he sucks. I long for the day Food Network catches on and cans him.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Weekend Movie Reviews

For all those concerned Dad came home Saturday and other than my mom still trying to raise his blood pressure and give him another heart attack he's fine. The goal was to get up first thing Saturday morning and head to a car show in Huntsville, AL but I thought it better to stay home and see about Dad. He came home around noon and everything was fine so Mike and I went to see Fast and the Furious 3. It actually didn't suck ass like the last one did. I would go as far as to say we both enjoyed it. It's pretty much completely unrelated to the first two in any shape form or fashion except that it's an underground racing ring of some sort. As far as the movie looks, I'd heard it was a pretty good look at Tokyo and it's culture and I guess that's what I assumed Tokyo always looked like so it's good in that sense. Lucas Black is a good lead character and even though he's got a strong southern drawl he's pretty good and I would even say he carried the lead better than Paul Walker and Tyrese did in the last one. Not that Paul Walker is a bad actor, but I think he was held at gunpoint and asked to do that last horrible sequel. Vin Diesel did a cameo at the end of this one, and I'd have to say it's worth seeing and it's probably something that I'll Netflix and make a back-up copy of. The only part of the movie I had a problem with (and if I didn't tell you this you'd know it as soon as you saw it) was the Mustang. Not that I don't like Mustangs, it's that they have one without an engine so instead of using a Ford Performance motor, or a Roush Crate motor, they throw in a Nissan Skyline motor so he can drift with the car. To me, that part of the movie was dumber than words can say. Now retards will think that these muscle cars we have will be faster with a turbo and a motor that's half the size of it's stock motor. I did drive the Cuda to see it, which was probably a little red, but I didn't do it for the last two so I did it here. Nothing short of embarrasing, the car didn't start for the first time since we've rebuilt it with lots and lots of Rice Boys floating around. Finally it started and none of us really know why. So on the way home a "tricked out" Honda Prelude decided he wanted to race and I humiliated him in front of his girlfriend. I didn't just out run him, I messed with him and made sure he knew there was nothing under that hood that would keep up with what I had under mine. If the window rattling sound (and his girlfriend plugging her ears when I roared by) didn't tell him, the fact that I pulled five car lengths on him in a matter of seconds probably did.

Courtest of Netflix, we watched Capote this weekend. I wasn't sure what to expect going in, but my hot wife was on her Oscar kick when she added it to the queue so we were curious to see what Phillip Seymour Hoffman did to win best actor. After two hours of my life gone I still don't see it. The movie was an independant film and somewhat artsy fartsy, and in my opinion it sucked ass. I'd sooner go pay full price to see Fast and the Furious 3 again than I'd sit through that thing. Maybe it was a character driven movie or some dumb shit, but I thought it was slow, boring, annoying, and pointless. I guess it could have been true and maybe I should have gotten more out of it but I just don't care. Probably the best true story/independant film I've seen this year is The World's Fastest Indian. It's still slow and somewhat character driven, but doesn't compare to a steaming bowl of elephant piss like Capote did. That being said, if you like independant films and things that suck, you might like Capote. If you like true stories about speed and heroism, watch the Worlds Fastest Indian.

We also finally got to see Saw 2. I liked it, but I can't imagine why they made it. It seemed like the same thing as the first one with a different twist and different people. If you liked the first one, you'd like this one.

That's about it for today. At some point this week I'll get around to my rant about Bobby Flay, the new gym membership, and something else that comes up between now and then. For now, enjoy your Monday.

Friday, June 16, 2006

What a Day

I was working on my blog yesterday and I had a couple of really good posts written that some of you may even want to read. They were good. I've got plenty of rants all saved up for later about this stupid redneck family reunion we have here called Riverbend, bad drivers, the new gym membership, all the good stuff. Then I get a call from my mom. My Dad, at 56 years of age had a mild heart attack yesterday while he was working in the yard. He was actually working in my sisters yard and didn't feel good so he sat down a minute. Then decided he'd drive home and get some sleep. Instead of driving home he drove himself to the emergency room. Turns out he had a blockage that was making his blood pressure go up and down and that's what was making him dizzy. They cleared up the blockage and he's fine. Currently he's got a room in the Coronary Care Unit until late this afternoon, then he gets a normal room and will probably be home Saturday or Sunday. Dad is fine, really. Other than having tubes and monitors strapped to him and in him he's doing really well. He was supposed to leave and go on a consulting job Friday morning and was not looking forward to driving through Bonaroo traffic. I'm really glad this happened while he was at home and not while he was stuck in Bonaroo traffic. I can just see those dumbass hippies trying to figure out what drug he's on rather than helping him and dad having a heart attack in the middle of I-24. I think he'll be cleared to leave some time next week. My mom is of course calm and helpful. When I say calm and helpful I'm actually referring to the level of calm and helpfulness that white people have when they hear gunshots or see a snake. It's never a pretty sight and of course she's anything but helpful. At any rate, plans for the weekend have changed and I just got an update from Mom saying Dad is okay and headed to his normal room as we speak. That's about all the excitement I can handle for today so I'm going to go get drunk and cut the grass. I hope everyone else has a good weekend.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

E-mails that will get you fired.

So I stole these from Maxim Online, but they were too funny not to share. Ahh, how nice it is to be able to send e-mails like this and not worry about getting fired.

  • If you don't blow me, I'm going to fire you.
  • Re: I'm the one who doesn't flush.
  • You know that blonde in accounting? I boned her.
  • My manager smells like shit. Cat shit.
  • Re: I'm pretty sure everyone in my department is gay.
  • I masturbate in the bathroom every day at 3:15.
  • Guess who took a dump on the secretary's keyboard...
  • The embezzled company money just got deposited into my account!
  • FW: I made up this kickass racist joke...
  • That HR bitch better not be reading my e-mails.
  • I just finger-banged the intern in the bathroom.
  • Like snow? Coffee machine, five minutes. Bring cash.
  • If you read over my updated résumé, I'll let you touch my nipple.
  • Re: I shat in the fishtank, so pay up, beeyotch.
  • Guess who gave the boss a "raise"? Tee-hee.
  • Meeting with rival company for lunch, cover for me.
  • These links are illegal in seven states.
  • Re: This heroin habit is really getting in the way of my job.
  • Re: Why are the women here still wearing tops?
  • I need to have a meating with you, asap.
  • Step into my orifice.
  • FW: Link to the women's bathroom cam.
  • Friday, June 02, 2006

    Sad sad sad...

    That's all I can say. Don't anyone dare defend him by saying "He was nervous." I just don't care, and I don't want to hear it. There is no excuse for this and if you defend him get off this blog. This happened in Chattanooga on Memorial Day at a ceremony for a fallen officer. That's our police chief Steve Parks that takes the podium after he's done. If I was this guy I would pack up and move...far far away...or seriously consider suicide. No excuses.

    This is Bad...

    Thursday, June 01, 2006

    The first rain of the summer...

    I think Friday was our first official day of summer...maybe Saturday. Anyway, I took the top off the Jeep on Saturday because the weather was perfect. I've been loving the first few days of summer with no top or doors. Here it is almost quitting time at work and I'm in the middle of a monsoon. Think I'm kidding?

    If the map were in motion it would show the green and red blob hovering over me and my Jeep with no sign of letting up. The good news is I just called the wife and it isn't raining at home so we're in good shape if I can just make it that far without getting totally soaked I'll be in good shape.