Friday, February 29, 2008

BMF Friday

Been a couple weeks on this one, but todays BMF Wallet recipient is...

Sarah Connor -

Yes, no matter who plays Sarah Connor, she never disappoints. From Terminator 2, to Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Sarah Connor is a bad mamajama. Other super hero girls pale in comparison to the likes of Connor. Not only can she blow stuff up with the best of them, she starts her morning out with a healthy breakfast, and a few sets of pullups. As the mother of the leader of the resistance, Sarah Connor tries to make her whiney son realize that he's about to be the future leader of mankind in the war against the machines. Along the way she's the one who keeps him safe from harm, and blows up the bad guys. Most super hero girls would carry a purse, but for Connor, that would only get in the way of the machine guns and hurtin bombs.

That's it for BMF Friday, have a good weekend!

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

How Did You Get Here?

It's been since my stat counter has worked. I think for the last year every time I tried to log in it said they were updating the server but my information was being saved. Since it's been a while since I've actually had referrers I thought I'd bring back the posts of how people find me. I'm always curious how I get found, and todays top five search terms just make me wonder.

5. Henry Rollins - Okay, an obvious one since Mike and I just saw his spoken word tour. Again...go see Henry Rollins if he comes close enough for you to go.

4. Hottest Wife Stories - I can only imagine what you were really looking for when you landed here.

3. Manly Dog Names - You know, I've done several searches on this. Tumbler was not among any of the searches I found but it won...and I like it.

2. Employee Etiquette Farting/Fart Fantasy - These two were tied. For the first one - Is there such a thing? I mean seriously, doesn't everyone just scream and point to the person closest to them? I think that's fair enough, especially if you don't like the person next to you. For the second one - get off this blog now and never come back. We will never talk about fart fantasies on the blog and if you have them, there is a good chance I already hate you and don't want to know about them.

1. Movie and Book Differences Bridge to Terabithia - wow, it's been a really long time since I wrote about that movie. But, you were curious just like I was. I still don't know the answer so you're welcome to e-mail me if you know. I'm all ears.

Those aren't near as interesting as some of the ones I've had before but I'm glad people in their busy daily lives can take a few minutes to find me courtesy of Google.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Defining Uncomfortable

So uncomfortable is defined in the online dictionary as feeling mental discomfort, or providing and experiencing mental discomfort such as sitting in an uncomfortable chair. Well, Reverend Raul here has a different definition for you, but lets back up a few years.

My Freshman year in college I dated a girl that I'd had a crush on for a while. Oddly enough her parents grew up in the same small town that my mother did and our grandparents are to this day really good friends. We dated for probably a year and a half, give or take. Needless to say we broke up and for a long time I was pretty hateful towards her. Our grandparents still go to church together.

Fast forward to a couple years ago.

My wife and I were visiting my grandfather for perhaps his 75th birthday. I can't remember. That seems like too long ago, but it could be correct. Anyway, we usually go eat at a really shitty old peoples buffet in their home town. It's not quite as good as Ryans or anything like that so we usually just suffer through. At least it's a place where I don't feel insanely embarrassed that they don't tip the waitress. I know, they're old and I'm thankful that my grandparents are still here for me to have embarrassing stories. Anyway, here we are eating some seriously shitty food that consists of tater tots and macaroni that makes Kraft look like gourmet stuff, and minding our own business. Out of nowhere my ex girlfriends grandmother comes bounding over and hugging me and telling me how good it was to see her. I probably hadn't seen them in five or six years, but then I didn't really have a call to go visit ex girlfriends grandparents. So she's hugging me and I introduce her to my hot wife that is much hotter than my ex girlfriend. They take this opportunity to say "well, it looks like you're doing really well but we sure wish you'd married our granddaughter." Ouch. That was a kick in the face to my wife for sure. But they're old right? Wrong. They suck. They continue "You've probably never met her but our granddaughter is absolutely beautiful." Then they point to my wife and say "Don't take that the wrong way sugar, you're not bad looking, but our granddaughter is beautiful and we sure wanted this one for her but for some reason it just didn't work out." So there I was with my family, my hot wife, and several of my grandparents close friends...listening to two crazy old people tell me in front of my wife that they wish I'd married someone else. If ever, I've had an uncomfortable moment that has to be it.

So that's my definition of uncomfortable for this sunny Monday.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Henry Rollins Live in Town

I don't know how many die hard music people read this blog (or for that matter how many people read because hardly anyone ever comments) but last night Mike and I got to go see Henry Rollins on his spoken word tour here in town. I know he said everybody says this when they meet him, but I figured he'd be bigger. Anyway, I like some of his spoken word stuff as it is pretty funny. I think I'm a little like him in a sense that I don't make up huge stories or jokes, I just tell about my life and typically yes I only tell the amusing parts. But life can be amusing and some days it seems like some of the stuff that I post here is made up but it's really not. If you get the chance, look up him up on You Tube and look for Drawing Conclusions. He has a really funny bit about Wal-Mart and some about dating. As far as the dating goes, this one is pretty good...

So, seeing him live is pretty cool. Until he starts to preach his Anti-Bush propaganda and stupid hippies cheer every time he mentions it. That gets kind of old. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of pro and anti-presidential people out there and everyone has a right to their own opinion. Henry has at least gone out of his way to do some of his own research, but still bends the truth I think. A while ago Mike sent me a link to a blog he wrote about his visit to Iran. He said that it was a peaceful place and that President Bush should back off them because they don't hate America. Oh yeah...he also had to have five armed guards with him every where he went and wasn't allowed to tell anyone he met that he was a celebrity for fear of abduction and ransom. Does this sound like a stable place to anyone here? Not so much. I'm sure there are genuinely good people in Iran, but anywhere I go if I have to have five armed guards to make sure I'm not abducted and ransomed to my home countrys government is not exactly a place I'd like to go for spring break. You know? Mike and I discussed this a bit today and both had a few interesting thoughts for Mr. Rollins.

He talked about how our invasion of Iraq was wrong and we should get out because we wouldn't like it if some other country came here and invaded us. You get the idea. Speaking from history here, how happy do you think France, Italy, and Germany were that we invaded them? Do you think Hitler would still be in power today slaughtering races of people if we hadn't? Do you think Germany now thinks that was totally not our business and we fucked up their chi by going in? Yeah...the french and italians might be a little grateful that we "invaded" their countries as well and "liberated" them from their oppressors. Wait...liberated from oppression...that sounds familiar...but then again, we attempted to keep the oppression from happening in the first place in south vietnam, but we "brought the troops home" and just let that silly old communism thing just happen to all those nice, previously democratic Vietnamese. These are the things I discuss with Mike (actually, those last two lines are his) while on IM at work.

In short it wasn't bad, and was probably worth the $20 to see him. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to see him twice but he has done a lot, seen a lot, and has some interesting stories to tell from his 47 years.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Reverend Raul

Yes friends, it's true. According to the Universal Life Church I, Raul, am an ordained minister. Why you ask? Simple.

A few months ago my brother-in-law and his fiance were planning on getting married in the bahamas. They had rented a nice place, invited immediate family on both sides, and then the people they'd been working with said "Oh, by the way. We're quadrupling the price on you so instead of paying $4k for the week is going to be $20k, is that going to be a problem?" Needless to say after an exchange of words they got their money back and haven't decided on a new location. So, we were talking the other night and I threw out a suggestion of a place they'd visited a few summers ago together and they kinda laughed because this place has no chaplin on staff. So I said "Well, I'll go become an ordained minister. It's not that hard, and I can marry you guys for free." They kinda laughed, so I found this church online that ordains you to do weddings, christenings, baptisms and other such things online and signed up. I did get a letter that said "Dear Rev. Raul" and told me all the great things I had now as a minister. I was also told not to say that I was ordained "online" as I was in fact ordained by brother Kevin from the the church who is a real person and not a computer.

So, with the new skill in hand I called everyone I knew and offered to marry them in a Ming the Merciless outfit. My sister is getting married in October and she said "You don't even own a Ming the Merciless outfit!" Well, 24 hours ago I wasn't an ordained minister now was I? For all those who don't know who Ming the Merciless is, here you go -

For anyone that may need a minister for baptisms, weddings, or a simple renewal of your vows, I'm happy to be here for you.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Tumbler Update

Well, it's been a while since I posted any Tumbler pictures so here are a few of them. When I don't work out, I usually take him to work with me so he has the social time that he loves so much. This semester the counter ho's absolutely loved him and wanted to take lots of pictures with him so here they are...

At the counter...he could be an employee...

Resting after the excitement of taking pictures...

Posing for the camera...he's a ham.

I keep meaning to take some of him with his lampshade collar on after getting neutered this past week, but we haven't taken any yet. The collar I can assure you is quite humorous. That's it for now...

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Movie Review

Before I get too in to a movie review, I need to say how relieved I am that the writers strike has ended. I've been pissed about it ever since the last episode of Heroes aired. Well, probably before that, but I kindof remember that as the end of good TV. Since then we've had nothing really good. Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles is pretty good if you like science fiction. Careful, that is a Fox show and they're pretty good about canceling stuff people watch in favor of American Idol and that new show Put this in your Ass for Money! The Flash Gordon TV series was complete shit, and now since there is nothing else on, instead of Grey's Anatomy we've been watching the overly whored out Lipstick Jungle. I think I'd rather scream "White Power!" at a Kanye West concert than sit through that show. I don't care if the same girl that wrote Sex and the City wrote it, or talked about it, it's shit. Basically what I get out of it is that if you're a woman your life sucks no matter what you do. Thats some serious womens empowerment there Candace. So now that the writers strike is over, and they've scored the biggest victory in strike history, we can all get back to better TV and the networks can choke to death on all the money that their writers make them. And just maybe they'll bring Journeyman back. But, they may not...because they suck.

So, a movie review...on Valentines Day.

Across the Universe - Overall, I liked it. It's kindof a chic flic, but it's kindof not. It has a little bit of the Moulin Rouge feel to it so if you're not in to people breaking in to song at random intervals this may not be the movie for you. It's set in the 60's where the lead male goes to America from Liverpool to find his estranged father and it's pretty much about his journey there and back. I'm pretty sure that all the music is Beatles music, and I'd recommend you watch the film, then to go this link at and read all the trivia, then watch it again to make sure you catch everything. Lots of cool stuff, and unless you remember the 60's you might miss some stuff. But it's cool, and I think it's pretty representative of the era while still being comical and entertaining. It's worth a rental, and I'd say it's worth a purchase but lets be honest about buying DVD's. Realistically if you buy it now, in a year it could be obsolete. With HD and Blu-Ray formats struggling for supremacy, one of them will take over and eventually you won't be able to buy or play your old DVD's anymore and the dorks at Best Buy and Circuit City will look at you like you're an idiot when you say "Does this play regular DVD's as well as Blu-Ray and HD?" So, if you wish to purchase a DVD my advice is wait because eventually you'd have to buy it in a different format anyway. But Across the Universe is well worth watching and you'll be happy you saw it.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Swole Juice and the news

When I work out in the mornings they usually have one or two of the 75 billion TV's in the gym turned to ESPN and on days when I row, or have to stop and catch my breath before I can go on, I'll usually watch the sports news to see whats happening. I can honestly say I'm tired of seeing Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens on trial for steroids, accused of taking steroids, and allegations of someone who had a friends cousins sisters brothers neighbors former roommate who is pretty sure they heard one or both of them had a trainer that administered swole juice to them. Honestly, does it matter? Can Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco, or Roger Clemens play the game any better or any worse because of steroids? Not likely.

Athletes always look for the competitive edge. Be it through training, supplementation, or synthetic hormones, real athletes will ALWAYS look for the edge, for how to get one up on their competitors. If they didn't, games would be pretty boring. Realistically if no one wanted to better their opponent in any form, what kind of game would it be? I guess I look at the news and have to say that whether they took steroids or didn't is pretty inconsequential.

So I'm wondering with all these depositions and hearings before congress why the big deal? Viewers. No one has watched baseball since they started to strike, so now they throw in some Paris Hilton Style controversy and BAM! This shit is all over the news and people can't take their eyes off of it because you can't find anything else on TV. All you can see on ESPN - oddly enough between clips of spring training - is Roger Clemens and his big deposition before congress. So, allegedly his trainer now on the stand is saying that he knowingly injected him with Human Growth Hormone and Steroids. And? If Roger Clemens says he didn't do it, I hope he's telling the truth. But if he did take Roids and HGH, I can assure you this blogger thinks no less of him, his career, or his six Cy Young awards. I can also tell you for sure, that if I was in Roger Clemens position, late in life, trying to keep up with a faster younger crowd, HGH wouldn't be out of my scope.

I'm going to have to agree with Sly Stallone on this one. He took HGH for his comeback movies of Rocky Balboa, and John Rambo. He maintains that as you get older, HGH helps your body function. It helps with metabolism, weight loss, stamina, and immune system functions. Do I sound like an ad for pro HGH? Probably. But I don't care. When I go to the doctor next month to get my cholesterol checked if he said "Hey, you need HGH in a bad way. I'm going to recommend that you get the standard three shots a week," I'd have no problem with that. As much as I hate shots and needles, I'd probably go for that. When I lifted weights in college picking up roids at the local gym was easier than picking up drunk freshmen girls in a frat house. I never did them because I HATE needles. Not because I think there is anything morally wrong with performance enhancing supplements.

At any rate, that's my rant for today. I really wish the media would leave these guys alone. They're pretty much ruining the careers of some of sports better players and no matter what the outcome is, none of these guys will ever be looked at the same again.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Last Minute Changes

Well, I had written a review for some movies and TV shows that the wife and I have been watching lately but I had a last minute change of plans before I posted. I'm really getting amped up for Indy Racing starting in March (the Homestead...under the lights) and I'd heard rumor of a possible merger between the IRL and the Champ Car series. Having two open wheel series is kinda useless, and the two should really merge because it would expand both of their fields and make for some much better races, and we'd get to see racing in Australia and other parts of the world. Places that sadly Nascar cannot take you. Anyway, so I hit the home page at Indy, and this blog went from a review of Across the Universe to something I'll refer to as awesomeness in a magazine.

Yes, Sports Illustrated hits the stands today with the illustrious Danica Patrick in it. I don't know about you guys, but I'm leaving work right frickin now to go pick up a copy...before they're gone.

Tumbler is currently at the vet getting neutered so he's probably not very happy with us today but hopefully he'll recover and get over it. That's it from the store today, if you get the last copy of the swimsuit issue...I hate you.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

BMF Friday

Before this weeks Bad Mother Fucker wallet is given out, I have a small rant. Last week, when Dad and I went to see Rambo, before the movie we had commercials. Not previews mind you, commercials. Not just any commercials, the new iBook commercial, and a KY Intrigue commerical. Tell me, do you know anyone that wants to here a song with the words "la la la" in it and see a personal lubricant ad before the movie starts? Fuck no. We go see Rambo to keep our mind off that stuff. We go to see stuff blow up, gratuitous nudity, and bad guys die in violent ways. Not KY fucking jelly and Mac ads. Okay, I feel better.

This weeks BMF Wallet recipient - Chuck Norris.

Who better to be the second recipient of a BMF Wallet than the man himself? Some facts about Chuck Norris for the non-believers.

1. Chuck Norris puts the laughter in Manslaughter.
2. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because the only element he believes in is the element of surprise.
3. If Chuck Norris is running late, Time better slow the fuck down.
4. Chuck Norris counted to Infinity...twice.
5. Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
6. Chuck Norris can make women orgasm simply by pointing at them and saying "Booyah!"
7. Chuck Norris puts the fun in funeral.
8. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
9. Chuck Norris can win a game of connect four in only three moves.
10. If you spell Chuck Norris in scrabble, you win. Forever.

Just a few of the basic Chuck Norris facts. If you need further explanation, go to Google right now. Type in "Find Chuck Norris" and click the I'm Feeling Lucky Button. Happy BMF Friday everybody!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Update at Habibs

I don't know how many of your remember, but we have a convenience store next door to my store at work. It's not bad, if I get the munchies I can go next door and pick up a bag of chips or something. I'm trying to cut back on that as neither Rambo nor Spartan Warriors ate bags of chips or snickers bars. Anyway, so there have been a few different managers next door since Habib went to prison. If no one remembers, two FBI agents came in to his store, grabbed all the cold medicine they could get their hands on and said "We're going to take this back to our house and make meth with it. Is that okay with you?" He laughed, and in his very thick Habib accent said "as long as you do not get me in trouble, I do not care what you do with it." He was immediately taken out in handcuffs, later prosecuted, then sent to jail for an undecided term. At any rate, this is manager number three here at the store. Plenty of stories about the last two, but those are for another day. We will still refer to the new manager as Habib...mostly because it fits the stereotype.

So I was over there a week or two ago to apologize that we had a truck block his parking lot while we were unloading. He didn't mind and he asked to talk to me a minute. Since I had people in the store, I didn't mind at all. He heard a rumor from a college professor that we were going out of business and that's why the truck was here. I wasn't really surprised as we have a lot of opposition from the campus folk that think off campus independently run businesses should never exist anywhere...ever. So I talked to him for a few minutes and he told me that he worked six days a week and this job was so much better than his old job that was full of empty promises. I asked if he had an assistant because I never saw anybody there but he said he works from 7:00 a.m. to 10:30 p.m. Monday to Saturday. I thought about that for a second. Some days when it's busy here I think work sucks because I don't get to see my wife as often as I want, and I feel like I'm neglecting poor Tumbler. But I have a pretty good quality of life for the most part. No real complaints here. This guy has to be nuts. I can't imagine working that many hours for someone else. I can't even blog all the obscenities that I would use for someone if they told me I'd be working 93 hours a week. So it gets better. I went over just now because obviously I need more chips, and he said he'd asked for some time off. I can't imagine anyone that needs more time off than this guy. He seemed a lot worn out, as anyone would in his position. He shook his head and said "Man, they tell me for the next four weeks I'm going to have to work Sundays. Sundays are my only day off and now for four weeks I have to work them. Can you believe this?" This store can't do more a year in sales than we do. I just don't see it. And now they're asking him for the next month to put in 15 and a half more hours per week. Fuck yourself comes to mind. Hire an assistant you cheapskates.

Anyway, I got to thinking about the breaking point and what would ruin what I consider quality of life and that is pretty much it for me. I think when I get to the point that I want to slit my wrists more than I want to come to work, it's time for a change. How about you?

Monday, February 04, 2008

Stupid Groundhog!

Well, coming off a relatively boring Super Bowl we still have six more weeks of winter to look forward too right? I looked at the forecast today and it was supposed to be around 60. Somehow I can't get this building above 50...and it's raining. Anyway...

So the weekend was for the most part uneventful...and I've been out of Bloggertown for a while. Not much really happening to blog about. The store turned a profit this year, currently all of that profit is in inventory but it's a profit right?

Tumbler is still growing, and recently the wife and I had some passing thoughts about adopting another Bullmastiff or some form of dog. We found a Bullmastiff rescue site and inquired about an eight month old Bullmastiff named Hopper...or so we thought. So we filled out the adoption application for Hopper and got no response. Finally a few days later I get an e-mail back from someone that said "The dog you are inquiring about is actually named Titus and we will not let you rescue a male since you already have one." Thinking we were talking about a different dog, I went back to the website. Sure enough, it said "Meet Hopper! Hopper is...blah blah blah." The name Hopper was used four or five times throughout. Titus was never used. But when I looked at the page the last time, titus was in the address bar...fine, we both made a mistake. Technically mine wasn't really my fault. Back to the matter at hand. So I respond and say "Our dog isn't aggressive. He's been well socialized with plenty of male dogs, and last night he even played nice with our neighbors three year old male German Shepard. My brother has a male lab thats just a few days older than him and they get along great as well. I really dont' see any reason for you saying we couldn't have two males." Now, I do know some dogs can be aggressive and feel like another male dog is disrespecting on their block or whatever. Tumbler...not so much. So I get a lengthy response from this crazy woman. Her instructions are copied and pasted. "Sir, this rescue will not EVER place two male Bullmastiffs in the same household as they will kill each other due to their extreme aggression. You need to IMMEDIATELY stop socializing your dog and NEVER take him back to your neighbors house, or your brothers house as your dog DOES NOT get along with other male dogs. Please heed these warnings as this breed of dog is NEVER to be socialized, ESPECIALLY with other male dogs. I'm afraid you're making a grave mistake in the care of your dog." The rest of it was a list of books I needed to read and some history on the Bullmastiff breed. Someone tell me, does this dog look aggressive?

I didn't think so either. The rumrunners Shepard doesn't exactly like having a puppy in his house, but he's never attacked him and Tumbler has never been anything but playful with anybody or anything. So, needless to say we're not getting Tumbler a younger brother nor do I think we're allowed to adopt from this specific rescue foundation after expressing my appreciation on her list of demands in caring for my dog. I will let everyone use their imagination on this one, but our converation was not pleasant. The good news is she maintained her position and offered to put our dog in rescue since we weren't famililar enough with the breed to care for it. We will have Tumbler for a long time to come and I was happy to tell her that and made it a point to forward her list of demands to the founder of her rescue as well as several other people that I thought should see it.

That's it from us for now. Good thing I'm not a betting man, Tom Brady would have screwed me out of more than just a fantasy football championship this year. Hope everyone else enjoyed the Super Bowl. Later this week I'll run down some of my favorite and least favorite ads for your enjoyment.