Friday, April 20, 2007

Things we Don't Need...

Randomly I've been thinking about things that as a society we don't have a need for. So I made a list, to see if anyone shares it with me. I got seven comments on my last blog which is a 2007 Record...might even be an all time record. So lets see if I can peak everyones interest yet again.

Mobile Pet Grooming - Can you believe this? People are too lazy to take their poodle to get groomed so they have someone come to their house? I pass a van pretty regularly on the way to work that makes 14 trips a day between Atlanta and Nashville for his mobile pet grooming. I asked him about this at a gas station one day when we were tanking up and he said business was booming and is as good as it has ever been. Seriously? Wow. People pay for this to the point that he drives close to four hours between appointments. The real kicker is, it's not just him. There are several in their fleet that travel. This is some extreme gayness.

American Express Cards - I think AmEx might be my least favorite vendor of anything. They do have good commercials now, but their fees are higher, and they're a huge pain in the ass. I would have to say that they as a card company are useless to businesses and consumers.

Reality TV - American Idol, Big Brother, Survivor, The Bachelor all of it. Useless. I hate these shows and I can't believe they're still around. I remember in college when the first Survivor came out one of my teachers said this wouldn't last long and all this reality TV crap would be over soon. Oh how I wish he was right. Unfortunately, we're stuck with it for a while.

McDonalds - This should go for all fast food, but I just picked McDonalds because everyone knows what it is. Sure, it's easy but this is probably the most unhealthy food on the planet. I think in a nation where almost everyone is battling weight problems, we don't need this. Which brings me to my next point...

Fake weight loss drugs - Realistically there are tons of these out there. Of course all of them fall back on the fact that their statements are not evalutated by the Food and Drug Administration so you can't sue. But if you read the bottle, the claims they make to get you to buy these things can easily be disproven...and they know this. There is no pill that will make you lose weight fast, and the perfect body takes more than five easy payments of 19.95.

That's all I can think of for now. I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Monday, April 16, 2007

What your Drink Says...

I've actually been working on this post for a long time. Finally today I ran across it and asked Mike if he'd help me get through it because I'd hit a creative wall on it. So over the course of the afternoon, Mike and I exchanged e-mails and made you a list of what your drink says about you when you're out drinking.

Amaretto Sours – For girls this means you like the taste of Jolly Ranchers but don’t actually like to drink. Chances are you’re out to meet a guy, or your friends told you this was the thing to drink. If you're a guy drinking this, you are clearly an inexperienced drinker and don't actually know what to drink. Having this in hand out in public could lead to some intense humiliation from everyone in the bar. You'd better go ask your friends what they're drinking and order something similar. If they're all drinking amaretto sours, you might be hanging with the wrong crowd, or you could be in a gay bar. This begs the question, “Why aren’t you drinking rum or whiskey?”

Margarita – This can say a lot of things about you actually. The Margarita is one that borders on fru fru girly drink, but is somehow still semi-manly. For girls it can say that you just really want to get stupid drunk and remove all your clothes, or that you just like the taste of sweet and sour mix because as a bartender I’ve seen girls order virgin margaritas. As disgusting as that sounds, I’ve served them both frozen and on the rocks. For guys it can mean you’re enjoying some good Mexican food, or that you like something sweet and salty to cover up the taste of your liquor. For guys it’s almost mandatory to have a top shelf or a shot of tequila on the side. You should still be drinking rum or whiskey.

Vodka and Soda – Also sometimes referred to as “The Highball,” it is deliciously refreshing, particularly with a slice of lime. While a nice top-shelf is recommended, even some house vodka is perfectly acceptable with such a simple cocktail. This drink may not contain whiskey, but I suppose if it was good enough to support an entire economy for the commies, it’ll do in a pinch.

Rum and Coke (coke optional) – Nothing wrong with downing the Captain in mass quantities. Rum by itself says you’re a pirate of some sort, or you wish you were. While, not as popular as whiskey, this is just as manly of a way to get drunk as there is. Cause everyone’s more fun with a little Captain in em.

Whiskey and coke (coke again optional) – Old reliable. If you’re a guy and not a cheap drunk, whiskey in any of its forms will let people know that you’re serious about your liquor, but yet you don’t mind getting drunk and belligerent with the best of them.

Domestic Beer – While not whiskey, beer is also occasionally good. There are a variety of beers made in good ol USA, so we’ll just hit the hi-lights here.

Natural Light – Are you wearing a wife beater with that? No? Oh, you’re a college kid just drinking to get drunk because it’s cheap? Enjoy that headache in the morning.

PBR – If you have to ask what this stands for, you don’t want to know. Also good for fertilizing lawns and soaking wood chips later used for smoking ribs. This says your taste buds are numb, or see the above comments. This beer was, amusingly enough, considered tres chique in New York for a while. Walking into the new “hip place” and seeing swanky Manhatteners paying out the ass for a can of Pabst could quite possibly be the most surreal experience of my life.

Milwaukee’s Best – also known as the beast. If you have to ask why, don’t drink this beer. In fact, just don’t drink it at all.

Budweiser – The King of Beers actually tastes like ass so if you drink this, it either means you’re a hard core Dale Jr. fan, or you just like the taste of ass.

Bud Light – Tastes like water. In college I had friends that drank it because it didn’t actually taste like beer. They have all grown into the pussies we all knew they could be.

Miller Lite – the Light Beer drinker’s beer. Probably the best tasting of any light beer on the market. This shows you have taste, and can drink beer that tastes what beer is supposed to taste like. I hear it’s less filling too…but that could just be the marketing talking.

Imports – These can say a lot of things. My wife always accuses me of being a beer snob because I always try a different import and walk by most of the domestics. I’ll hi-light a few of the imports for you…

Grolsch – this likely means your taste buds were numbed at an early age. If you can make it through one of these without puking or throwing it on the lawn, my hat is off to you.

Corona – aahh Corona. Yes, it’s an acquired tasted, and yes it’s good with Mexican food. It’s good with or without a lime. If you don’t like Corona, your favorite beer is probably bud light. And odds are I hate you.

Warsteiner – a premium beer brought to you by the fine folks of Germany. They actually have a law to ensure that the only products used in their beer are barley, yeast, and hopps. That is a people dedicated to their ale. Oddly, this is one of the most highly sold and distributed beers in the US. I read that somewhere. It’s a little stouter than your standard light beer, but it’s still a good smooth beer. Since it’s rarely ever advertised, I’d have to say this means you’re not a mainstream person and can enjoy something regardless of what your friends think.

Boddingtons – if you haven’t heard of this it likely means you drink Budweiser or Bud Light. It’s an English Pub Ale and it’s very thick and very smooth. It’s probably an old persons beer, but it’s likely the beer that distinguished people drink. You know…beer snobs like me. I believe they are called “Sommaliers.”…or some shit like that.

Guinness – the true king of beers. There is nothing finer than a nice cold Guinness. You can’t see through it, and it’s a lot like drinking a loaf of bread. Not liking this beer makes you have no taste in good beer, and likely means you suck. Enjoying this beer means you have class, high social standing, and definitely means you don’t suck. I hear in Ireland it even tastes a bit like chocolate milk. If you’re really manly, add a shot of Bailey’s and Irish Whiskey and you’ve got yourself an Irish Car Bomb. You really want to impress people? Try to stand up after one or two of those.

So there you have it…the definitive guide of what may, and more importantly, what may not, be consumed at your local watering hole. Sure, you can drink some of that swill if you want, but all the women will think less of you. If you really and truly want to be the man that you think you are, you only really have one option. And that is the boiler-maker. Nothing says what a badass motherfucker you are than a shot of whiskey with a beer to chase it. I challenge anyone to find something more masculine and full of badd-assery than a Clint Eastwood western where he walks into the bar and orders whiskey. If you possess an ounce of testosterone, it is what you do. You do it because you MUST do it.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Extreme Lameness

I was reading Maxim Online this week and they had a slideshow about extreme sports. Some of them, I didn't know were sports. I found these to be extremely lame (as did Maxim) and I think if I ever see someone partaking in them, I'm going to whip their ass.

Snow Biking - I'd like to say this takes a genius to figure out, but really it just takes someone that needs their ass whipped. I can't imagine why someone would want to combine biking and skiing, but what do I know?

Razor Scootering - I didn't consider this anything but extremely dumb, but kids like it I guess. I had a larger scooter when I was in elementary school, but again I wasn't as old as this guy. Also picture the towel heads near where I work ride them every day. I don't mean towel heads as derogatory in this sense...I mean they're literally getting around on motorized scooters like this one...and they're wearing turbans. Usually bright colors like orange and purple. It's like watching fruits go by. Sometimes they have their kids with them, sometimes they don't.

Extreme Walking - Homos. Seriously, you want extreme walking, go take a few laps around the mall with my mom or my grandmother. If you can make it two laps without passing out my hat is off to you. That is extreme walking. If I ever see someone on a half pipe, park bench, or sidewalk and they're doing this shit...they will most likely get their ass whipped. If they can't figure out why...I'm sure Mike will whip their ass again for good measure.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Monday Movie Reviews

I know it's been a while since I've done this one, but I did get to watch a couple of movies this week so I'm a happy guy.

The Reaping - Who doesn't like a movie about biblical plagues? If you think about how many crappy movies there are out there, I can't imagine why more people haven't consulted the Bible for some good stories. Some of those I envisioned as a child were all really good stories, and could make really good screen adaptations. I know not all of them would sell tickets, but they're all good stories. Anyway, the Reaping is a story about a small town in Louisiana that calls on Hillary Swank from LSU. I actually did boo LSU when someone in the theater said Go Tigers. Anyway... This small town that tries to keep itself out of the lime light wants to keep this as quiet as possible. Enter Hillary Swank. An ordained minister that no longer believes in God because she lost her family on a mission trip to Africa or somewhere else. So her job is basically disproving what all these people think are miracles of the Lord. Enter the small town of Haven who have waters that have all turned red and undrinkable. They think it's biblical plagues, Swank thinks it's something else so she spends the movie trying to find a scientific explanation for all of them. The way they do it is pretty cool, and if it happened present day I can say that I'd see it that way. The director also liked Hillary Swanks fine ass as much as I did because there were a ton of close-ups, leg shots, you name it. I have to say she's pretty hot in this one. Her divorce must have done her some good because she seems to be at the height of her game. Good for her, I'm sure it's a long time coming. If you're in to biblical plagues, the wrath of God, and Hillary Swank in her hottest form this movie is for you. I liked it right up until the last 30 seconds or so. They tried to leave it wide open for a sequel but I think they could have done it a lot different and still made that happen. I had already envisioned what should happen and they screwed it up. Maybe that's why I didn't like it. Who knows? Either way, two thumbs up on this one.

The Moonlight Mile - Suprisingly this could be classified as a chic flic, and I like it. It stars Jake Gyllenhaal (who I'm still mad about over brokeback mountain) and Ellen Pompeo. I'll watch just about anything she's in...because she's hot. Want proof?

I rest my case. Anyway. The movie is about Jake G. and his fiances family. His fiance died three days before the movie takes place so it opens with her funeral. Jake is living with his would-be inlaws and is supposed to go in to business with his father-in-law. The wedding invitations were set to go out so he has to go to the post office to get them. Enter Ellen Pompeo. The hot single girl at the post office that owns the local bar. Did I mention she was hot? Anyway, the movie is about both of their struggles and him living with his dead girlfriends family. I can't say a lot without telling you what happens, or outlining the movie in a five page blog. It's hard enough to get people to read these days without boring them to sleep. To be a movie that is as depressing as this one sounds, and to have this many big names in it (Susan Sarandon, Dustin Hoffman, and Dabney Coleman also star) we'd never heard of it. My hot wife rented it because it had her girl from Grey's Anatomy in it. I realistically only watched it for that reason, but enjoyed it. It's a good movie for when you're sitting at home in the cold and don't feel like a comedy but don't feel like being depressed but some stupid Hugh Grant movie that eats away at your soul.

That's it for Monday. I hope everyone else had a Happy Easter, and a good weekend.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Lost and Found

Well, I called the gym today and they officially canceled my membership. Considering the runaround they gave Mike and Tiffany, I was certain this would be an ongoing saga. So, with the internet down at work all day today, I worked on cleaning up the store and thinking. Not too many people today but a lot of phone calls so plenty of time to think. My homey Chris in Iowa got me thinking over the weekend about this Crossfit stuff and I've been reading their website and watching videos like who would have thought it. So I decided today would be the day I started. No more fooling around, or waiting until something else rolls was it. And it was. The workout was hard...

100 Pull-ups
100 Push-ups
100 Sit-ups
100 Squats

So I cut it in half. There is no way I'd be able to get out of bed tomorrow after doing 100 of all those things in the basement (yes, strangely the house we bought came with a pullup bar), much less get up the stairs. I just finished and am drinking a protein shake with my head pounding so hard I think it might explode. I can honestly say that even at half of that it was the hardest workout I've ever done. So, hopefully in addition to all the enlightenment I bring you on this blog, I'll be able to transform before your eyes from a fat tub of shit to the fit killing machine I was in college. Here is to a good Monday friends.