Rules for Gym Music

I was working out this morning and todays WOD was not a workout that allows on to wear an MP3 player. So I came up with five types of music that should never be played in the gym. The gym asked for suggestions so I e-mailed this word for word to them.

1. Slow Songs/Ballads - No...never. I don't care if they're good songs, sappy songs, whatever. Anything that makes you want to go to sleep, or any sappy sentimental song is worthless for gym music.

2. Artists such as Ashlee Simpson, Rihanna, Jo Jo, Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce and the like are on the black list. If you can call them artists (which that is all a matter of opinion), they don't inspire anyone to get fit, work out, or do anything short of poking sharp sticks in their ears and in some cases eyes. Playing a Shakira or Jessica Simpson video with motivational music turned on over it is perfectly acceptable.

3. The Black Eyed Peas and any such spinoff groups are out. As are anyone that has ever called themselves a Refugee All-Star, or "artists" with dumb names like K-OS. Jay-Z, this includes you as well. You're not creative and your music makes me want to stick my own head in the toilet and flush it repeatedly. Once again, the occasional Fergie video without her actual music is acceptable. Videos from her days with the Black Eyed Peas are not acceptable in any situation.

4. Bands you've never heard of are called that for a reason. Sure, I think every aspiring artist deserves to be heard. We have American Idol for that. This does not need to occur while I'm Crossfitting. Not even a little bit. If you must play them, I would suggest somewhere around 3:00 a.m. when no one is there. That puts the least amount of people at risk for suicide attempts in the gym.

5. Acceptable music can be anything from hard rock such as Seether, Three Days Grace, Finger Eleven, Tool, and occasionally some Marilyn Manson. However, Mansons videos should never be shown as they are stupid and pointless. His music might go best over a Lindsey Lohan or Jessica Simpson video. Just to be overly generous, we'll add any kind of aerobic music to the acceptable list. I know a lot of it is shit, but usually it's got a decent beat that you can work out to...and even the aerobic classes know that slow songs screw up a workout like nobody's business. Music I work out too needs to make me want to throw barbells, dumbells, and yell and scream because the pain of a workout is good.

So there you have it Gym Friends. You wanted our suggestions on what music to play, and there you have it. Tomorrow will hopefully be a list of why Ford Sucks, or a list of things to be thankful for.

Cell Phone Etiquette

It's a little slower this time of year so I find myself going to the bank, or to Wally World for store supplies and I've noticed that in my travels people have no idea how incredibly annoying cell phones can be when used improperly. So I've come up with a list of things that should get you punched in the face for doing while on your cell phone.

1. Being completely ignorant of your surroundings. Yes, this seems obvious and some can manage to do this while not on a cell phone. Realistically if your head is far enough up your ass that you can't tell you're blocking an aisle, holding up traffic, or running over people because you're too busy talking on your phone, you would be just as much a danger on your phone than you would be off of it. Either way, cell phones are best used when your head is out of your ass. If it's permanently lodged, you might consider other means of communication. You might also consider grabbing the back of your knees and pulling hard until you see the light. Rinse and repeat as necessary.

2. When is it okay to use a blue tooth or comparible wireless headset? In your car. I know you think it's great to walk around the mall and talk to yourself. Honestly once we all get over thinking that you're crazy, your wireless (or wired) headset just make you look like a colossal dipshit and we all hate you.

3. The drive through window. This might actually be the least convenient of all places to talk on your cell phone. And no, the drive through attendant doesn't think that it's cool you have a headset. Furthermore, if you pull to the speaker and have a line of people behind you and you ask the nice person to "Hold On" while you finish your conversation...you deserve every ounce of spit that is hidden in your soft drink or in your food.

4. Having uncomfortable conversations REALLY loud. I don't know how many times I'm at a doctors office, or a restaurant I some ass clown on their cell phone is talking about bowel movements, their friends marital problems, or what they're going to do when they get ahold of someone. This is terribly annoying and while you think having a cell phone makes you important, it really doesn't. It makes you a lemming.

5. The gym. I can't think of a less convenient place to stop and answer your cell phone than the gym. Realistically if you're more focused on talking on your phone than you are about working out, you need to go home. Sell off your gym membership and buy a TaeBo DVD. Not because TaeBo is easy, because you'll never actually use it because you're talking on your damn cell phone all the time.

These are simple rules everyone should follow to make life so much easier on the rest of us that don't walk around with our heads up our ass.