Thursday, March 31, 2005

Pick a side, choose your team, cut the one likes a drama queen.

So, we go out with some friends last night. It was supposed to be dinner and a movie at home - no such luck. It was Bartender's night out at Chili's and since we're friends with more than half the people that work in those restaurants we were invited. Most of them had been drinking since 2:30 in the afternoon so they were well hammered when they arrived. I'm not much on getting hammered, but to each their own. Among this diverse group of people was a gay couple. Well, one of these guys is straight up gay, the other one just pretends to be for whatever reason. He says he's gay, but loves women, more importantly loves groping women. Then he says he doesn't know if he's gay. Let me give you a little help here man. If you pretend to be gay so you can grope women, or experiment with gayness to see what it's like - you're gay. You are voted off my heterosexual island. You can't play for both teams and be undecided. You want to play for both teams, go ahead. You're still voted off the island. You can fly off with your fairy wings if you like, but you're gone.

The thing that makes me the most mad about this is that he kisses one of my good friends girlfriends on the lips. Then he says "It's okay..I'm gay! Tee Hee Hee Hee!" No, that's not okay. He was informed that he got one of those for free and was no longer allowed. I thought my friend handled it very well. Personally, I would have ripped his lips off and fed them to my dog. He doesn't see the problem with this - kiss my wife and see where that gets you. While he's arguing with him, I thought maybe I should help out. I said "Well, just look at it like you're playing UNO. One is all you get, the next one has consequences." Then this undecided fairy turns on me like I've done something wrong and says "You're not allowed to say that." I'm not a violent guy, but when a 90 pound candy-ass that can't decided if he likes pitching or catching smarts off to me I've been known to turn like the Hulk and it's not pretty. He was informed that I'm a friend of both of them and I'm just having fun. So he shuts up. Seeing as he weighs 90lbs and I'm holding strong at 230 (nope, not going to make the 200lb mark by 4/11), he's at a disadvantage. So, he gets mad and decides he's going to leave because he's made everyone mad. He throws a temper tantrum and cries like a 12 year old girl. I guess I was supposed to care, but I just didn't. He'd already been voted off the island at that point.

Seriously man, be gay if you want. Don't pretend to be for attention or for women - because that makes you a flat out loser. I have a don't ask, don't tell policy. Play for a team, play for both teams, cut the drama shit. I don't have room in my life to take lip from a fairy drama queen.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Excuse me...Could you just knock me out please?

The season is upon us. Most people read that and think I mean spring. No, it's rainy season. It's raining stupid people in here every day of the week. My boss walked by today while I was getting cussed out by someone. He ordered the wrong stuff. I told him when he ordered it, it wouldn't work. He knew getting it that we said "This isn't going to work. You'll be sending this back once you open the box." Now he's called back and said he's going to have his attorney call me. I think that was a scare tactic, but it didn't work. If you're stupid enough to have your lawyer call me because you ordered the wrong parts, I'm enough of an asshole that I'm going to tell him where the two of you can stick those parts.

So at the Y today they had something on CNN about a basketball player that had been injured. This guy comes over to talk to me about it like one of us is going to fix the problem of athletes being overpaid. I don't care how much they make, and I don't want to think about it while I'm working out. Maybe he was trying to make a friend so I could have been nicer. I pretty much ended his conversation by telling him this - "If you really want to enjoy sports, do what I did. Become a Harlem Globetrotters fan. There's no losing, no stats, no strikes, no trades, no contact hassles, no postseason, and no annoying media. Just winng, all the time, every game. By the way, I'm just evil enough to pull for the Washington Generals - the team that loses to the Globetrotters every night. At least you wouldn't have to put up with all that annoying, preseason optimism crap." He didn't have much to say after that. Sorry, I'm not big on pro sports. I watch Nascar and NHRA when the wife permits. Occasionally if she's napping I sneak in a Cart or IRL race. None of the drivers I pull for have ever gone on strike or been accused of taking steiroids, and the guys I've met that I pull for have always gone out of their way to sign hats and cars for me - even when they're busy. However, you're still not allowed to talk to me about Nascar while I'm working out. I might throw something out like I did to that guy.

Monday, March 21, 2005

It just isn't the same...

Sorry guys, this post will be a little depressing. I guess when I was younger I never thought about death or aging. I always thought my Dad would always be young, my mother would always look like she did when I was two, and my grandparents would always be around. They're still here, so the post isn't going to be that depressing. Both of my parents went to Auburn so all my life we've gone down to watch Auburn football games at least once a year, sometimes more. I was there with my Grandfather when we beat Florida, and was ready to fight when he was trash talking the Gator fans. This weekend we went down for Auburn's pre-season game called the A-Day game. It's just something they did for the fans and we've been to several. I even got to meet Bo Jackson at one of them. Anyway, when I was younger I could hardly keep up with my grandfather he walked so fast, and he could pick me up and carry me up the stairs if I was lagging behind. This weekend was a different story. He still walks fast, but he's aged considerably. It really hit home this weekend for some reason. Mostly because it was me helping him up the stairs at the end of the game. I guess I should just accept this as part of life, but I've never thought of them getting old or one day not being around.

In lighter news, the game was fun. As always my grandfather said he didn't want a hot dog, and finished the one I gave him in two bites. The team doesn't look too good, so if you're and SEC football fan you may not have to worry about losing to Auburn this year. I have a feeling that South Carolina will be a team to beat this year since they have the evil genius in their corner. We had a good trip down and a safe trip home. It was good to see my grandparents again as always.

Friday, March 18, 2005

New Rules for working out at the Gym

Okay, so I've noticed that we have rules posted everywhere at the Y, but they're really just suggestions it seems. I look at some of these rules and think "that's a no-brainer isn't it?" It would seem for some folks it is not. We're going to start with the cardio equipment. There is a dumbass rule that says you have to sign up for it and reservations are forfeited after 10 minutes. This is a dumb rule. You either use it or don't. Don't sign up for a machine a day in advance if you're not going to use it. You can now only sign up 30 minutes in advance. If you change your mind, cross your name off the list and be done with it. If someone is signed up for a machine, don't get on it hoping they won't show. Find a different machine. Next we've got music. Honestly, the music we play in the gym in outdated crap so you're welcome to bring your own headphones. Someone in the upper management likes this unmotivational homosexual music so we really can't do anything about it. If you bring your own headphones - which we encourage you to do - please do not sing. If you can't hear yourself sing, we will record it so you can play it back later and hear how bad you really sound. It is also advised that you not dance because chances are you can't hear everyone laughing at you because - as luck would have it - you can't dance either. Sorry, but please enjoy your music. Next on the list we have gym apparel. There is a sign that says "Proper gym attire must be worn at all times." Proper gym attire can be taken in numerous ways. We won't go in to spandex, or who is allowed to wear it, or what because that would just take too long. This basically means keep your clothes on. Just because you're working abs doesn't mean you have a stomach that everyone wants to see. Chances are, we don't. We're here to get a workout and no one could care how you perceive yourself to look. If you bust out of your shirt to flex in the mirror, you're going to get hit with a very heavy dumbell. Trust me, as good as you think you are, when a 105lb dumbell falls on your chest it's going to hurt. Now, we're going to introduce a new rule. Workout or go home. This is not the place to pick up women, and I assure you that the women there just want to work out. They're not checking you out, and I can almost guarantee you that they don't want you to talk to them or pose for them. If they do, they'll probably do it outside of the facility. The last thing they need is a three toed sloth hovering over them while they work out. Move on, or spend your night in a bar. Hitting on a girl that's married, or honestly trying to get a workout will also get you hit with a dumbell, and it's going to hurt for days. You don't really want the girl you're trying to conquest to see you curled up in a ball on the floor crying like a two-year-old do you? We didn't think so. Lastly, closing time. The staff members here have things to do as well. That means if we close at nine, you'd best be hitting the door at nine - not walking to the shower. If you attempt to start a shower at 8:59, the hot water will instantly be turned off and replaced with raw sewage. Perhaps these rules seem a little harsh, but I think we've become too soft as a society. I think some toughening up is in order. With all these new rules, I imagine everyone that has a gym membership will be in great shape.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Happy St. Patrick's please don't be stupid.

Well, it's St. Patrick's day. It's not enough that I have to wear green, it seems that people are still stupid enough to go "Hey! Your name is Patrick! It's your day, right?" Okay, seriously. That wasn't amusing when I was in second grade and it's not amusing now that I'm 26. It's just not. I have heard that 37 times today. No, it's not my birthday (thank the Lord), and they're not letting me have free reign at work.

Outside of that, I fully plan on having an Irish Car Bomb (Guinness and Bailey's) tonight along with some green beer if that's possible. I do not plan on speaking in an Irish accent or dancing a jig because my name is Patrick. I will also not wear a T-shirt that says "You must be Irish, 'cause my Penis is Dublin," or pins that say "Kiss my I'm Irish." I'm not Irish, I don't even have red hair. If you want to kiss me, you'll probably get beat up by my wife and I'm sure no woman wants to get beat up for kissing a fat guy named Patrick on St. Patrick's day.

Have a very Happy and Safe St. Patrick's Day and please drink responsibly. Tomorrow, we'll bring you new rules and regulations for working out in a public facility such as the YMCA.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

I feel used...

Boy, it has been one busy week at work. I know that I've neglected my blog and both of my readers are worried, but rest assured that I'm alive and well.

Okay, so our FedEx rep calls me the other day to tell me that the Episode III trailer is going to be on the OC. Here I'm thinking the OC comes on the same time as CSI so I'm certainly not giving up a night of CSI for the OC, no matter how hot Mischa Barton is. An hour later, our FedEx guy (obviously he's a Star Wars geek as well) calls back and says "Hey, the OC comes on before CSI so you're in good shape." Great. I get to see the Episode III trailer and CSI. Someone failed to mention that the trailer would be at the end of this show. This show is dumb. A mind-numbing hour to see a one minute trailer. This is manipulation at it's finest guys. Dorks everywhere are tuning in to a horrible drama because one of the producers is a Star Wars geek himself. I feel used. Cheated even. The good side is, the trailer was really good. If I could get in line to get tickets now, I'd be there.

While I'm on movie previews, have you ever noticed that the previews before a movie dictate how good or bad the movie is going to be? We should have known when we saw Constantine that when the trailer for House of Wax came on, we were in trouble. There are a few good movies coming out and you can find the ones I'm looking forward to on the right hand side of this page.

Last night we watched The Forgotten with Julianne Moore. It's weird. Weird I tell you. I wasn't sure what to expect, but everyone said it was great, we needed to see it so I bought it. I'm undecided on it, but the effects were neat. I won't say too much in case you have a great desire to see it. It has a twist that is somewhat obvious after about 30 minutes of the movie. I thought the twist was kinda weak, but the movie makes you jump out of your seat more than once. I guess it's worth seeing, but it isn't something like the Matrix or Star Wars that I'd want to watch over and over and over.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Things I've noticed...

I've noticed people who say they don't car what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. We have a guy here at work who is always saying "I don't care what y'all think." Say that in your mind with the dumbest sounding Southern Drawl ever. Seriously, if you don't care, don't tell us. He got mad when I said "No on here likes you man." His response "I don't give a damn what any of y'all think." My response "That's obvious. You'd bathe more, and talk half as much if you did." Later that day he comes by and says "Hey man, do people here really not like me?" I had to say "Why does that matter, you don't care what any of us think anyway, right?" I left it at that. We like him, he just needs to stop talking all the time.

Do you ever get in to a rut with your manner of saying goodybe and find yourself using the same phrase over and over? Do you begin to feel a little stupid? For instance, if you're leaving a party, and you have to say goodbye to five or six people standing in a group, you say, "Okay, hey, take it easy. Okay, hey, take it easy. Okay, hey, take it easy. Okay, hey, take it easy. Okay, hey, take it easy. Okay, hey, take it easy." And you feel like a damn moron. You know what I do? Every month, whether I need to or not, I change the way I say goodbye. People like that.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

New Girl Update, and Can I ask a stupid question?

Okay, so the new seems to have worn off the new girl. Now she's coming in in lower cut stuff and jeans where her underwear hangs out the top. Honestly, I almost walked by her when she was putting stuff in the magazine rack and said "Say no to crack...please." She walks by the other day giggling as usual and says "So when do you go work out?" Let's see, she saw me there at 8:00 so I'm usually there around 8. Then she says "So when do you think is the best time for me to work out?" It was really hard not to throw out things like "I could care less," or "Any time that I'm not there." Instead I was nice and said "The crowd is always the same, just don't go at night." Now all she does is call around trying to get a date - loudly. Loud enough that all of us know she likes this guy.

So, second topic of the day. Can I ask a stupid question? Yes. You can. The guy that coined that phrase is clearly not alive today. I was in KFC the other day and someone actually asked if they could honor a gift certificate that she thought she had at home. Come on people. Do you think someone would say Yes to such a lame proposal? Also, the person that coined that phrase has never done this job. I get stupid questions every five minutes. When I get asked a normal question, I don't know how to react. It's weird.