Friday, July 30, 2004

Working, working out, some days there is no difference...

So, I'm at work yesterday and there is this idiot that for some reason thinks I work for him. I'm not really sure what that's about, or where it came from. I know who I work for - I report to them on a daily basis. Strangely, this guy has never been one that I (or anyone else in the company) report to. I've even taken time to tell him on more than one occasion that I do not work for him, and if he has a problem with what I do - he knows who to talk to. Now he's decided to use my bosses name as the person that gave him the order. He brings me something yesterday and wants to know five minutes later if it's done or not. Then he says "well, your boss came to me and asked me to have you do it." Not likely - if the boss needed it he knows where I am and can tell me he wants it done. I decided not to do this for three or four days. I'm sure everyone has worked in an office where some idiot thinks everyone works for them. I think one day I might lock him in a room with Barry Manilow's Copacabana record playing and leave him there with it on repeat for seven days.

So, I have a workout partner - if you can call him that. He kindof wanders around not knowing what is going on, what we're doing, what he needs to work - nothing. Today I walked in and he's wandering around as usual with his cup of coffee working the same thing he worked yesterday. He said "Well, I thought we'd do some of these." My response was "We did those yesterday - if you're not sore - you did something wrong." I went on to do other things and he was a little upset, but I honestly don't care.

So I have a customer call today that wants to return something. "It doesn't fit" he says. Funny, no one else has had that problem with it. Turns out, he's changed something so it wouldn't fit, no way for us to know it wouldn't fit. Now, he wants us to pay for shipping. I wish I could have spoken freely. I think he should pay a restock fee of at least 75 percent for being a moron! You buy a piece - made to fit something specific but don't tell the manufacturer you've changed something major - IT'S YOUR FAULT! End of story.

Everybody be sure to welcome my best friend Jeff to the great theraputic sport of blogging - you can read his stuff here -

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Can I get a discount?

Well hell no you can't!  Why would you?  When you go to WalMart - do you say "Is that my price - I shopped here yesterday, and I may not come back if you don't give me a discount."  Maybe I was just raised different.

So, today's rant is about people that think they need a discount.  If money was the issue when I went to buy something - I always figured that meant I didn't need it that bad.  Okay, so sometimes it doesn't hurt to ask, I can agree.  However, to tell me that you're never going to buy from us again if I don't sell you your first order at half off is crap.  I imagine this guy used to live in Canada, and probably only moved here to be John Kerry's campaign manager.  He actually had the gaul to say "Don't I get a discount?" like we owed him a discount because it was his first purchase.  Sure, we give discounts - to employees.  If you need something, and have to have it to the point that you place an order for it - is five or six dollars going to make that much difference?  The really bad part is that people e-mail and want a discount because they don't have the stomach to call and ask for one. 

In light of recent events, I've created my own price levels.  Everyone has the opportunity to buy at retail.  If you ask for a discount, think you need a discount, sound like you support John Jerry, or live in Canada - you have your own price group.  Seeing as I am a salesman, I'll find a way to make you swallow this and like it.  If you don't like it - I don't care.  Keep pissing me off after you've given me your billing information and I'll sign you up for the Gay Men's and Women's Coalition - gay or not.  If you're gay, I'll figure out something - maybe send you a victoria's secret catalog if you're a guy.

Seriously - you can see the price online, and in the catalog.  If it said "or better offer" I can see why you would heckle.  However it does not - for a reason.

It's amazing what great therapy this blog has turned out to be. 

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Canadians again...why there, eh?

Well, I thought perhaps my first post being entirely dedicated to Canadians would cure me of my constant annoyance with them.  It didn't - they're still morons.  I get this call and the guy says "So, eh.  I had called a couple times this week and got prices right?  Well, they were the same both times, eh?"  So he sat there like he's waiting on me.  He thought maybe we'd give him a discount because he was Canadian.   I honestly had to bite my tongue.  So he then asks "So is all this in American or Canadian funds, eh?"  He had convinced himself that no matter what I said - it was Canadian funds.  After telling him we're not unfortunate enough to have to live in Canada, he asked me again if we could eat the difference and sell it to him at the quoted price in Canadian funds.  I'm sorry, but it just isn't my fault that you're a moron and I don't feel the need to pay for it.  If you are tired of living in a country that is always cold,  always dark, and is filled with morons like yourself - I would highly reccomend you move to France because we sure as hell don't need more of your kind here.  If you think it's too expensive - you're right.  However, you're not getting a discount because you're stupid.

What's even more amazing is that he just didn't understand.  "Other companies give me a discount because I'm Candian you know."  At this point, I just had to respond "I can't help that other companies make mistakes."  I told him not to worry though, if John Kerry got elected I'd probably move to Canada out of protest, though hanging myself sounded like a much less painful option, eh?

Monday, July 26, 2004

Please Hold....

Oh, those words I hate to hear.  Nothing makes me want to hang up more than when a customer says "Please Hold."  Honestly, you've just called me - why the hell are you going to ask me to hold?  I called to order something the other day and the idiot on the phone kept putting me on hold.  I finally hung up, and when he called back he wanted to know how we got disconnected and I said "You kept putting me on hold, obviously you have something else you need to do."  I finally asked the guy that called today if he wanted to order, or if he was too busy.  He got offended and said "What do you mean?"  So I said "well, every time I ask you a question - I get put on hold.  Either you're under-prepared for this simple phone conversation or you're preoccupied."  I think he took it pretty well - all things considered.  Perhaps I should have been a little nicer than that, but it got the message across.  He didn't put me on hold again anyway.

The hold feature works different for call centers - that's what we do to put customers in their place.  Really, all we're doing is muting the phone and laughing at what you say.  However, it does let you know who is in charge right off.  I hope everyone's Monday is going well. 

Monday, Monday....

Well, the inevitable happened - Monday morning rolled around as it usually does.  An early work day, and a morning meeting.  Nothing too exciting except a few voicemails over the weekend from people that I'm not sure how they dialed the telephone.  I actually had a message this morning that said "Hey, uh...this is Fred.  I need a catalog.  Can you have someone call me back?  Thanks."  No number, no idea who Fred is, no place to send the man a catalog.  I imagine here in a couple of weeks he'll call and get furious because he doesn't have his catalog yet, and he's requested one more than once.  If it's important to the point that you have to call on Sunday night - send an e-mail.  That way we can at least contact you SOMEHOW.   Oh well.

The wife and I spent the weekend out of town with some friends and had a great time.  We're coming up on our one year anniversary.  We're both work-a-holics so I can't imagine the relief we're going to have with a whole day off of work.  As angry as I get towards the general public, I can only hope there is enough Tequila to keep me relaxed if we're going to be around people all weekend. 

I hope everyone else had a great weekend - we sure did.  Some days you just have to leave town, forget it is there, and don't tell anyone where you are going.  I've discovered if you tell them where you are going, they'll only try to talk you out of it or follow you up there.  At any rate, there are many morons with many questions so I had better go put on the happy hat.

Friday, July 23, 2004

Friday is here!

Well, the weekend is here and it sounds like we have a fun weekend planned for out of town.  We're going to see the Bourne Supremacy with my sister, her new car, and her new boyfriend tonight, and one of my favorite drivers (Flyin Ryan Newman) is on the pole with pretty much the rest of my favorites in the top 10, so I am much excited.  Amazingly, I only talked to a couple of morons today, so I can leave you with some amusement for the weekend.

We offer extended warranties on all of our products as most companies do.  Well, someone called, with a claim that would have been filed by the extended warranty.  So I told her we'd have to get the product back here, and we'd replace it.  This crazy woman blows up with "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN SEND IT BACK???"  So, I'm explaining to her that her added coverage covers the fact that she's just destroyed her product.  Amazingly, she thought that by purchasing this warranty, it meant she could hit it with a brick (or whatever the hell she did) and it wouldn't do any damage because she was protected for five years.  I can honestly say - while this woman was only in her early 30's it sounded - she should not be allowed to use consumer products of any kind.  After a good half hour of explaining this to this woman, I finally had to say "Oh, I see you purchased this five days after you purchased the product.  Unfortunately, the warranty doesn't work as well if you don't purchase them at the same time.  The good news is, if you'll send it in, we'll replace it."  Somehow or another that worked.  She agreed to send it back and that made sense to her.  She probably has a John Kerry sticker on her car, which he neither supports nor does not support.

At what age do your parents lose their minds?

So, my sister is buying a car today.  If you've been following along, a jackleg hit my sister and then decided to pay for it out of pocket rather than through his insurance.  Sure, this may sound stupid.  What is really bad is that he was on his way to pick up a car from the body shop that he had wrecked the week before.  He really shouldn't be allowed to drive anymore.  I've had my share of wrecks, I was nicknamed Crash for a while (which I always thought was pretty cool), had a friend that for a while even called me Evil P (because Evil Caneval was already taken), but I usually spaced mine out - didn't have them all in a span of two weeks.

Anyway, she's going to pick up her new car today at lunch.  Both my sister and I live out of our parents house, but we see them all the time because we live in the same town.  I had lunch with my dad last week and he pretended he had no idea that my sister was buying a car.  My sister bought a house a little over two years ago now, and does very well for herself.  I always thought she would.  Her house payment, plus a car payment should amount to very little of her yearly income.  My mother is now worried that she's going to default on everything because it costs too much money.  My dad now pretends that he doesn't know anything about her buying a car.  So here we are at lunch, I'd taken my sister car shopping the day before, and he says "I think your sister is gonna just go buy a new car rather than fix hers."  Let's keep in mind here, I told him I was taking her car shopping the day before.  I'm pretty sure my sister can pay cash for a new car if she wants to so money isn't a problem.  She was going to get a new car by the fall so this just speeds things along - courtesy of a driver that keeps his head in his ass (do you think they have a special seat for that?  I wonder how he shifts?). 

So the real reason for the post this morning is - when you come of age, do you then realize your parents are nuts and that they always have been?  Or is it that when you move out and start making your own decisions it drives them crazy.  I've known my whole life that my grandparents were crazy.  Am I going to be crazy when I turn 50?  If I am, I assure I'm going to make the most of it.  I'm going to order stuff online and send incoherent e-mails to salesmen, then call and pretend I'm deaf, or Canadian.  Boy, am I going to have some fun in my older years.  I may even run for President.  John Kerry might approve, but he might be against it as well.  Too many flip flops and crazy people on one party can't be good for the economy.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Morons, and bank tellers - not one in the same in this case.

So, I go to the bank this morning just like any other guy would making a deposit.  Not much going on, but I've got some checks and some cash I'm putting in and the next thing I see is a crazy old man leaning on me.  When I say leaning on me, I don't mean he was standing next to me, I mean he was trying to push me out of the way.  Seeing as this guy weighed 90 lbs, he wasn't having much success.  He looked straight at the teller and said "Hey there pretty lady - you want me to clean out them drawers for ya agin?"  So I pushed him off of me and told him I didn't care how old he was, if he ever walked up on me while I was depositing money he would get his ass beat in front of the teller.  Still not looking at me, he wandered toward the coffee pot.  The teller was biting her toungue to keep from laughing.  I asked her if she thought that was amusing after the steam had stopped pouring from my ears, and she said "well, we actually did get robbed during Christmas and I was the teller that was held at gun point.  For some reason, he thinks its funny to come in here every morning and ask me if I want my drawers cleaned out.  I think what you just did may put a stop to him."  Now, I didn't mean to offend this old man, but now everyone at the bank knows who I am because I'm the young guy that made that crazy old fart stop heckling them about being robbed.  I did always want to be a super hero, but I thought it would come with some kind of special powers - still no special powers to date. 

Honestly, when you go into a bank - do you go lean on people you don't know?  I really almost knocked an old man on his ass this morning just after breakfast!  To make things worse, he had a John Kerry sticker on his car.  I asked him if John Kerry would have approved the ass beating he almost got for cutting in between me and my transaction and he didn't know.  Funny - I doubt John Kerry would have either.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

As it turns out - stupid comes in all sizes...

So a guy calls today and I answer the phone with my name.  Somehow, this confuses the guy to no end.  I should mention I use the company name as well.  This moron is so flustered, he doesn't know what to do next.  I finally had to ask him who he meant to call, and what he wanted.  As it turns out - he wasn't sure.  I was shocked.  Then he couldn't understand how I answered the phone without identifying myself - and argued that I should use my name.  Amazingly, he didn't remember the conversation we had about why I shouldn't use my name.  I once heard Forest Gump say that "Stupid is, as stupid does."  This guy is so many levels of stupid, you almost wondered if there was a support group for it.  I swear, one of these days I'm going to turn past crank yankers and hear myself on the phone.  I thought I could make it through the day without someone who can redefine your thoughts on natural selection - but it would seem I could not.  I suppose if someone like John Kerry can run for president, stupid people are aloud to rome the streets freely.  Once again, John Kerry does not approve this message - but he does not disapprove of this message either.

Car Salesmen...Sheesh!

So, my sister is looking for a new car.  Some jackleg rear ended her a couple of weeks ago and the car just isn't worth repairing.  It isn't totalled, but also not worth the $1700 repair bill.  So, at lunch the other day I took her down to look at a car like she wanted.  We had built a couple online to see what she would be looking at pricewise.  Knowing every single option available, we check out  a few that the dealer has in stock.  Upon driving one, this idiot starts telling us that what we're looking for doesn't exist, and that we can't get the options she wants.  So, after hearing his crap for a good solid 10 minutes, I pulled the option sheet from the manufacturer from my pocket.  He looked at it in disgust and told me I was looking at a different car.  Needless to say, we didn't buy it from him - what a moron.

So someone commented to me the other day, that I appear to be against John Kerry.  Who would have thought it?  Sorry, I've usually never been big into politics but I can't stand to see John Kerry on TV, and I can assure you he does not approve this message - but if he thinks it might get him some votes he wouldn't disapprove of it either.  The redition of "This Land" was probably the most accurate description of Kerry I have seen yet - he really looks like Herman Munster!  Why am I against John Kerry?  Simply because he's a Nazi bastard.  I think if he gets elected I'll have to be an automotive enthusiast in a foreign country for four years. 

Now that my political rant is over - I feel better.  Haven't dealt with any stupid people today - but it is early yet.  I'm sure I will get an opportunity.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Politics, Assholes, and Deaf People...

So I'm watching the news this morning and I see that the creators of South Park (I think) made a political cartoon with John F. Kerry, and George W. Bush singing "This Land Will Surely Vote For Me" to the tune of "This Land was Made for You and Me."  It was quite hilarious, and if I can find it I will surely download it at work today.  My favorite line was when Bush said "He gives you flip flop, I bring you tax cuts..."  The image of John Kerry was holding a sign that said "Yes" on one side, and "NO" on the other and was flipping it back and forth.  I imagine John Kerry didn't approve that message, but he didn't disapprove of it.
I get an e-mail from this amazing ass clown this morning.  He had asked me a question, then called in to see if I was lying to him.  The idiot that answered the phone didn't know what he was talking about so he told him something different - exactly what the customer wanted to hear.  So this asshole e-mails me back and says "will the person with the real information please stand up."  I was tempted to respond - "will the asshole hiding behind his keyboard find something better to do."  Honestly, why ask the same question twice?  If you're that much of an asshole - please keep it to yourself.  I don't have time for you, and neither does anyone else.
So I'm talking to this lady yesterday, and honestly - she shouldn't be allowed to use operate a telephone due to the fact that she cannot hear.  It's not that she was actually deaf, she'd just lost 99 percent of her hearing.  The people around me came over to see who I was arguing with because I had to yell everything I said at the top of my lungs to get her to hear it.  I kept thinking I should just hang up, but I didn't.  I kept thinking "I'm doing a good thing here - I'm taking one for the team."  When she finally decided to get off the phone - she realized she had called the wrong place to begin with.  I'm sorry, if you are that hard of hearing - don't use the phone.  I'm sure there are plenty of people around that could help you.  Don't waste 30 minutes of someones day only to tell them you didn't mean to call.  Perhaps I should have more of a heart and go "oh, it's okay, they're old."  I've decided, I'm not going to wait until I'm that old to lose my hearing.  I'm going to walk around and anytime someone speaks to me directly look at them like they're making up words and say "Huh?"  Can you imagine that lady driving in front of you in traffic?  She'd be driving five miles per hour in the left lane - no - in BOTH lanes and wouldn't be able to hear everyone honking and yelling at her.  Well, I suppose that is all for now.  I'm sure someone will piss me off today so I'll have more to write for tomorrow.

Monday, July 19, 2004

Can People Really hear themselves?

Some days, you have to wonder - when someone says something stupid, can they hear it the same way you do?  People ask for the strangest things.  I was talking to a guy recently that purchased a Honda Element.  My first response was "I'm sorry to hear that, sir."  Then he tells me he's doing a retro-conversion on it.  First off, there is nothing retro about a Honda Element.  He then tells me he wants me to design an old Ford Woodie style paint scheme like the Beach Boys used to drive.  I'm certain that the Beach Boys never drove an abomination such as that.  I sat there and listened to the guy and thought - man this guy has some issues.  Not only did he purchase a Honda Element, he wants to do a retro conversion on it.  I had to excuse myself because I couldn't keep from throwing up at the very thought of it much longer.  Finally, after hearing all of his ideas, I asked if he was kidding.  I then told him I had recorded the conversation and wanted to play it back for him so he could hear it.  He then decided instead of painting the car, it would be better to buy some of the wooden print decals and stick those on the car.  The best part of all of this is, I'm not making any of it up.  I'm sorry, I can't help that you chose to buy the worlds ugliest car but don't turn it into a spectical.  We already know you made a bad decision, don't turn it into a string of them.  Honestly, we're all going to laugh at you.  Everyone in the world looks at Elements and just wonders why anyone would do that to begin with.  Do you really want us all asking why on two counts?  Maybe you'll get lucky and that craze will catch on in Canada, eh?  Ask John Kerry what he thinks - I'm sure he's not for it, but he's not against it.

Monday, July 05, 2004

Why do people feel the need to talk?

So, I'm talking to this guy the other day and he really just called to talk. He had no desire to order, inquire about a product, or anything. So, he decides he's going to talk to me anyway. He starts telling me about this great deal he found on a 79 Cadillac Deville. It would seem he bought it from the local mortician. So, this guy tells me that he's had his eye on this car since Frank's wife died. It would appear that Frank traded the car to the mortician as payment for burying his late wife. As it turns out, the mortician had a total of nine cars that he had taken in trade for burying his friends wives. Is there something going on in this town that should be investigated? I can already see this as a documentary on A&E - no one knew what was really going on in this quiet town until the local mortician turned car dealer was offing peoples wives to secretly steal their cars. I should also mention that both the customer and the mortician were on their second wives. Sounds like something in the "water" to me. Do you think they have this here problem in Canada, eh? Either way, I was tied up with this guy for 30 minutes of my life that I will never see again. I felt robbed. I honestly don't like Cadillacs so hearing about a sweat deal that a suspicious mortician gave someone is about as high on my list of things to do as that in home vasectomy kit is. Hmm...

Friday, July 02, 2004

In the beginning...

So, my wife and one of her friends created one of these so I was encouraged to do the same. She mentioned it to me last night, and I thought "Man, this would be a great way to vent about all the morons I have to talk to all day at work." So, my first post will be devoted entirely to dumb Canadians. If you are Canadian, and this offends you, perhaps it only offends you because you know it is true. Our phone systems were going down yesterday, so I informed this idiot that I had to go. He decided that I was only kidding and needed to ask several more questions. To beat all, when I had finally given him a price, he informed me that was too high. If I thought I could get away with it, I would make sure every Canadian that I spoke to was quoted double the retail cost. What would they think about that there eh? Sorry, I can't help that you continue to live in Canada. I can't help that your dollar isn't worth squat. However, should I ever find myself in Canada, I'm going to be sure to ask every one of you "So, is that my cost there eh? Don't ya think that's a little high there eh? So, can ya give me a better price there eh?" Also, I'm going to learn to speak spanish to all you french speaking clowns, and be sure to pretend that I speak no other language when you have a question. Until next