Friday, April 29, 2005

Which way do these things go?

So, I'm driving to work this morning and I see a guy stranded on the side of the road with a spare tire. I thought for a second that he was a guy and he could handle it until I saw the mess his car was in from this flat tire. So I stopped and said "Do you need a hand?" His response "HELL YEAH! I can't get these damn nuts off this thing!" So I pull over. This is normally a service I only do for hot girls, but since they're so few and far between I changed that policy to people who look like they need help. So I walk over and say "Hand me the lug wrench, I'll take care of it." He was on his cell phone the entire time - charming I tell you. So I started to loosen the lugs and he starts yelling "Hey man, you turnin' these things the wrong damn way!" I sat there and thought "Well, maybe these are left hand lugs on the left side - but I thought people stopped doing that." I said "It should be loosen to the left, tighten to the right." He gives me one of the most blank clueless stares I've ever seen in my life and started screaming. "SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! I dun been stuck on da side o dis road fo' an hour and I been turnin dem damn thangs the wrong damn way! I been jumpin up n down on dat tire iron to try to get them loose! I tried to loosen the hubcap and pull them off by pullin the damn hubcap off and dat din' work neever!" I tried really hard not to laugh, but I was pretty sad that a guy my age is as clueless as a two year old when it comes to tire changing. So, his friend shows up - and they're dressed alike from head to toe in coordinating colors with matching gold chains - get the picture? His friend walks over and says "You can go on and get outta her - we get it frum her." I thought leaving at this point was a bad idea. I thought as funny as it would be to see this car when they were done and tried to jack it up on the fender like the beavis and butthead that they were, but I thought it wrong and that I should finish. So I said "I'll stay, let's get the jack under it now that the lugs are loose." So he puts the jack - upside down - under the mud flap, stands up and says "Go 'head on wit it." I turned the jack over and put it on the frame where it was supposed to be and jacked up the car. His friend started to ask what all he had tried. He told him about turning the lugs the wrong way for an hour and his friend wanted to know which way he was turning them. He demonstrated for him while I was changing out the tire and he said "Oh yeah? You don't turn 'em dat way? Sheeit." I think that was God's way of saying thanks. So they stood back and watched me work like the furious one man pit crew that I can be. I got their tire on, and rolled the one over to them that was flat. This thing was worn down to the steel belts it was so bald. He could have run over a paper clip and had a blowout. I handed him the tire and his friend said "Damn! No wunda you gots a flat! Look at all dem damn wires hangin out da side! That's what made da tire flat!" The car was off the jack at this point so I handed them their tools and got on my way. One of them said thanks as I was getting in my car, but that was it. I can't believe that someone was dumb enough to jump up and down on a tire iron and never once figure out that he should try turning them the other way. It's just sad. I really think these were the two stupidest people I've met so far this year.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Just stop talking and cut lady!

So, I got a bad haircut this weekend. I've been going to the Great Clips near where we live and I've had two girls that have been doing it since we moved in. It's usually fast, done right, and they don't tell me about their problems while I'm getting my hair cut. I'd prefer it that way. This weekend I got some girl that made sure everyone knew she was upset because of all the horrible stuff going on in her life. Okay, she's having a rough week. When I'm having a rough week, I certainly don't tell my customers. It isn't their problem, they can't fix it. I didn't want to know about her viral bronchitus, the assault charges she was pressing, or how much she missed Ohio. Trust me, we'd rather you be in Ohio too. If this is the best you can do. I thought for a while I was just being shallow but from now on I've decided to be shallow. If there are three hot girls cutting hair, and one ugly one - I'm leaving. I always get the three toed sloth that has a truckload of emotional baggage that she chooses to share with everyone. What do I get out of the deal? Hair that's all one length and a comment "Wow, that's short huh?" My instructions are simple. Short on the sides, use a number three guard, leave the top long because I like it that way, and I'm in denial about going bald. Seriously, my entire head looks like it was cut with a number three guard. She didn't listen because when she wasn't coughing she was telling me about having to press charges on some guy and how her brother and uncle were ready to come down and handle the guy. Wonderful. Pay attention to what you're doing! I guess I shouldn't complain because I could have requested one of the hot girls, but I thought "Nope, I won't be shallow. I'm sure she can cut hair just as well." I was wrong. Next time I'm going to be shallow. Shallow is shallow, but hopefully it will get me a decent haircut.

On a lighter note, I've been making progress around the house like nobody's business. I flew home last night and cut my grass, then cut my neighbors front yard because he's out of town and it was three feet tall. This morning I woke up at six to throw grass seed on my newly developed area and clean up a little more around the edge of the yard where I've been cutting back the mess of weeds the jackleg who never mowed his lawn let grow in. I even bought some topsoil and spent about an hour before work this morning looking specifically at stuff that is going to make my lawn come in nice and green. That's dedication. The feeling of accomplishment just can't be beat. I never thought I'd enjoy doing yardwork, but I have this strange feeling of satisfaction that I've accomplished something when I'm done. It's nice. Really it is.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Ahh, yardwork.

So, I've found that this getting old and being a homeowner thing comes with new hobbies. I spent a lot of time Saturday trying to establish a yard. The ass clown that lived here before us just set fires everywhere and according to the neighbors never mowed or anything. I can't say that I'm suprised because the grass was three feet tall when we moved in. Well, at the edge of our back yard is this odd hump - that did have grass growing on it, and a ton of weeds. Not your average weeds mind you, these are enourmous thorn bushes and something that resembles hay. Most of these were as tall as I am so you can imagine the site of a 5'10" guy with a weedeater (which I'll get to in a minute) and a lawnmower hacking away at these things. My Dad's advice was "Just cut out a little at a time when you cut the grass. Just take an extra pass as the edge of the woods when you finish up every other time you cut it." Not me, I wanted that extra eight feet of yard that the neighbors had and I didn't. Have I mentioned that our neighbors have the perfect lawn? Yeah, nothing like inheriting a lawn that sucks. It's not the worst lawn on the block but it's pretty close. Anyway, I'm working on it. Our neighbors on both sides have a fence, fences that until recently went eight feet beyond the edge of our yard. I didn't think this looked right so I spent about eight hours this weekend hacking away at this with my trusty weedeater and only burned up two heavy duty cords and a full tank of gas on the lawnmower. I drank so much Gatorade this weekend I should have stock in the company. Needless to say the lawn is a little bigger now. I imagine once I get grass grown on this new patch of land I've cleared I'll look back on this and go "Why did I want more grass to cut? This sucks!" So far, the lawn is coming along nicely. I should have some actual grass here in a couple of weeks.

So, the weedeater I got for my birthday. For all those concerned - it works. It came with a package of "Extra Quiet" weedeater cord. What the heck is that about? Since when did string noise on a gas powered weedeater become an issue? What candy ass said "We need to make this string quieter." No we don't - make the weedeater quieter if you want to quiet something down! My neighbor and I have the same weedeater so when both of them are going (mind you he's not an idiot so he's only got grass to trim with his) you can hear them all over the neighborhood. If someone wants to make a great innovation - and don't get me wrong this cord is a great innovation because it takes about four seconds to change out and isn't an all day deal - they need to make this thing quieter so I'm not deaf when it's done. That would be a good invention. I know, we now have electric weedeaters, but it just wouldn't be yard work if I didn't have to yank a cord 57 times to get something to start. Plus, the electric ones wear out quicker. I'm gas powered and polluting the air all the way.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

We've lost our edge

It used to be, cars had cool names like Dart, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda, and Demon. Used to be, emissions didn't matter. No one cared. Gas was leaded, cars has high compression, and the rumblings would rattle your heart and lungs when they drove by. Now, we do emissions testing. Here in our town one in nine cars fails because of something stupid like a faulty gas cap or bad gasoline. Now, we have cars with stupid names like Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, and Tercel. This is all further proof that America has lost it's edge.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Another Day, Another Mile

Well, I've decided I should take up running. Everything else I've tried doesn't seem to help me lose any weight so I'm running - one mile a day. This sucks. I was saying that I hadn't lost any weight when someone asked the other day and he said "well, you're probably just adding muscle back on so don't go by the scale, go by how your clothes fit." They don't fit any better than they did a few months ago. I have lost five pounds, but my clothes aren't getting any bigger. I keep telling my wife it's because she's leaving them in the drier too long. Yeah, she doesn't believe it either.

Well, I'm officially 27. It's no different than 26, except your older. I'm officially late 20's. On surveys, I'm now in the 27-30 bracket instead of the 26 and younger. I can't say as I'm bothered that much by this. As far as birthdays go, this one was pretty good. It cracks me up how as a kid it was always video games and movies and things like that. This year, it was shovels, a rake, and a weedeater. I imagine some people would complain, but I was pretty excited. I almost fired up that bad boy at 10:30 when I got home but I thought my neighbors wouldn't like that too much. Well, tonight I'm home early and they need to watch out. I may just go weedeat the yard before dinner. Wouldn't that be fun? Yep, I'm definitly late 20's. No keg parties, no late nights in bars, just working on my house and cutting my grass. Shoes. Shoes were also something else I thought I'd never receive as a present, but I got some. They're nice too. How cool is that? Okay, I'm not cool it seems. At least I've still got my health. Here I am, running a mile every day and this morning I bench pressed 300 lbs. These are some milestones. I think next week I'm going to hit the two mile run and see how that goes.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Please Don't Change the Channel

So, at the Y we have this room next to the guys locker room that's kind of a guys only workout room. The sauna is right there, we've got free weights, dumbells, and a TV. Also, there is a really great pull-up bar which is why we were down there. This room is no different than any other workout room, proper gym attire must be worn at all times. Well, we're working out down here yesterday, and it was pretty much just us. Then this old man comes in and can see that in between sets (or rather during the two minute rest that this particular workout called for) we were watching Fox News. So, this old man comes in and changes the station. Okay, don't bother asking - that's fine. He put's it on the damn Hallmark Channel. Last time I checked, the Hallmark Channel still sucked. Well, I thought I'd let it slide until he left so I changed it back. Two minutes later guess who comes through? Any guesses as to what channel the TV goes back to? This time he stays, gets on a bike and reads the paper. I didn't say anything, I try to be nice to old people. I just let it build and sit through it.

The next thing was more than I could stand so I snapped. There is a sign that says "proper gym attire MUST be worn in this facility." Some jackass comes out of the steam room, walks over to the incline bench we're using, stands right next to it, drops all his towels and begins to towel off while shaking his genatalia in a way that all of us would see it. By the way, this room is lined with mirrors, so there is not spot you can look at not see this clown. After an almost three minute display, I'd had enough. "Good God man! Can you not do that in the damn locker room!!??!!" He makes the mistake of responding. "Hey man, this is the locker room. I can do this here if I want." I think the veins actually started to pop out of my forehead. "Look man, you want to display your penis in front of a mirror do it where people aren't working out. If you continue to do this in this spot where I'm working out, and this guy over here is watching the frickin' Hallmark Channel, I'm going to throw this dumbell at your chest." He covered himself with the towel and quietly walked out of the room. Sorry man, you go in to the locker room to work out, not to stand naked to see what's on the Hallmark Channel. If his feelings are hurt, I honestly don't care. Don't stand next to me and put on a penis shaking display if you don't want to suffer the consequences of your actions.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Congratulations Hooters and Lawboy!!!

According to a reliable source, Hooters and Lawboy are now the proud parents of Elizabeth Grace Atwood. Many congratulations to you both, we hope to see pictures soon and we are glad to hear that Momma Hooters is holding up well.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Hello Drunk Girl, pleased to meet you.

So, we go out to dinner last night with some friends. It was a dinner where a group of us shared three or four entrees and it was fun. Well, here we are waiting for dessert and drunk girl walks up. This isn't a bar we are at, but they do serve alcohol. I was somewhat shocked, as was everybody else at the table. So here stands drunk girl - right next to me in someone elses coat, but otherwise dressed up quite nice to be this far gone. She looks at us, doesn't say excuse me amongst the 13 different conversations flying around this table and says "Can I pay one of you guys $40 to take me home? I just live across the river." I'm always up to help someone, but I kid you not this girl could have walked home in the time it took this conversation to take place. I said "Yeah, but did you want to join us for dessert first? We'll be happy to take you home as long as you're not armed." This she did not find amusing and responded with "I just LOATHE calling a cab," like she's English royalty. So she walks off, only to turn around and ask us again. We agreed to take her home, but $40 was a little too much for the 200 yards we'd be carrying her. We finish dessert, pay the tab and off we go. In the car she says "Okay, you have to run by an ATM so I can get your $40 out for this service your providing me with." That amount of money would have been fine if I was driving across town, or to another city. I told her the ATM fee would be more for her to get the money out than I'd burn in gas so she just went on about how nice we were, and that we were "the most super people ever." So, the four minutes we were in the car together - we got the life history. We learned that she's moved here from South Carolina to obtain some anonimity because no one in her town likes her mom. Nice. As if that wasn't bad enough, she's admiring the construction and how nice it is to walk around town. My thoughts are "You could have walked your happy ass home," but I kept them to myself. Just as we're about to get to her house she says "Don't you find sidewalks enchanting?" Well sure - who doesn't find a well laid sidewalk somewhat mystical? I wasn't even sure where to take that one so I left it alone as we were pulling in to the driveway - her 10 foot driveway. She says "Oh, don't pull all the way up you'll never be able to back out of here." It's straight and it's three or four car lengths long. I was able to get from the restaurant to her house, and I'm pretty sure this driveway is no challenge. So she attemps to jump out of the car to keep us from pulling up in the driveway. Then she's out of the car telling us what great people we are, and that we just seem nice. Well, at this point I can see why she's offered $40. It's a fee for tolerating her drunk ass for the longest four minutes of the year. She wasn't bad, and it did make for a good blog so I really can't complain. I hope everyone else had just as good of a weekend as we did!