Monday, February 28, 2005

Movie Review and tips for wearing cologne.

Okay, so I took the hot wife to see Hitch this weekend. It was funny, a good date movie. I'm sure everyone that reads this has seen it so it's all old news. However, anyone that wanted my advice about it - I would highly reccomend you see it. It's funny and entertaining from start to finish.

We went to this new movie theater in town because it's nicer. The only drawback is the part of town is inconvenient to pretty much everything else. The amount of kids whose parents dropped them off at the theater is amazing these days. It's like parents will do whatever to find someone else to entertain their kids for three hours. I have one word for people like that - contraceptive. If you don't know what to do with them, don't have them. It's that simple. Anyway, I was standing in line to get a Coke when three kids who looked to be about 12 came up behind me in line. My eyes started watering because of the amount of cologne they were wearing. It's like they'd been marinating in it for days on end just for this specific night and you could see a cloud around them like Pigpen from Charlie Brown. Do these kids really think that smelling like this is going to get them laid?!?!? Let's be serious for a moment here guys. Girls just don't buy that you naturally smell like Cool Water Alpine frost - no one does. No amount of cologne is going to help you with the opposite sex no matter what the bottle says. If a girl says she likes the smell of it, wear less not more. Less makes her have to come closer to smell it. More will drive her and everyone else on the planet with a functioning nasal cavity away. You should all meet my smelly friend. He's a nice guy, but no sense of smell. For some reason that natural odor attracts women. A lot of people make fun of him for this, but I think he's got it figured out. He doesn't leave the house trying to fool people. It's either that or he's just given up altogether. At any rate, all you coming of age guys need to heed this warning for the good of moviegoers everywhere. If we can see the fog of your cologne rising off of you like steam, you've put on too much. Not only does it drive away the opposite sex, it makes people want to snort their ice cold carbonated beverage to get the smell out.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Movie Reviews - Wicker Park, and Friday Night Lights

Both good movies. I really liked them both. We'll start with Friday Night Lights. I actually expected a little more from it than I got. I was expecting something more along the lines of Varsity Blues. It was like Varsity Blues, just without the humor. Billy Bob Thornton made a very good, very believable High School Coach, and Tim McGraw was very good as the obsessive Dad. It was weird to see Tim McGraw in that role - so much so my wife didn't believe it was him until we saw the credits. It was good. It's PG-13 so it's good clean fun and more of a drama than a comedy. I almost cried at the end if that tells you anything.

Wicker Park would have been better if it didn't have Josh Hartnett in it. I think he's an alright actor, but I don't see the real hype about him. Wicker Park is not your typical romance and the filmography is neat but sometimes a little too busy. It's sortof like Sleepless in Seattle meets Fatal Attraction. The plot centers around Josh Hartnett and Diane Kruger (from National Treasure, and Troy) who have a psycho girl come between them solely to keep them apart because she's obsessed with Josh Hartnett. For most of the movie they're searching for each other, not knowing where the other is or what happened to them. I won't tell you how it ends, but I liked it, and it was well worth the rental.

Friday, February 25, 2005


The new girl works out at the the mornings. Here I was attempting a leg workout (which puts me in a bad mood anyway) and my workout partner goes "Hmm...she's new." She walks by and I said "Yeah, I think I work with that girl." About then, she turns around and waves and giggles. I just waved. I didn't speak. I never speak to this girl. I know some of you are probably thinking "You could be sociable and talk to her." No, I can't. Something tells me one day she's going to have someone fired for sexual harrassment and I'll be damned if it's going to be me. I'm sure she's nice enuogh, but she gets enough attention from the other guys here (and now my workout partner) that she certainly doesn't need me. Not to mention she's just not that good looking. At least she wasn't singing with her iPod on. I don't know that I could handle that at the gym.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

A product review, the Amazing Farting Barbie Doll, and the new girl sings...

Okay, so at my hot wifes company Christmas party a year ago, we won a cordless mouse. It's been sitting in the basement with me going "Hey, I'm going to hook that up this weekend," ever since. I finally decided I could hook it up last weekend and it sucks. The mouse is made by Kensington with a CDW name. This damn thing jumps all over the place. As soon as you get close to the link you want to click, it moves...all by itself. It's really annoying and now I just have to get made enough to put the old mouse back on. I have a cordless mouse at work that's really nice. Maybe it's the mouse pad, but this thing is horrible.

By now you're all wondering where you can rush out and buy your Amazing Farting Barbie doll. You can't, she works out at the Y and you can't buy and sell people it seems. Seriously. I'm doing my 30 minutes of cardio this morning when a girl that looks like Fitness Barbie comes in. Very trendy, very much wants attention. I think she has more makeup on than clothes, and she was fully clothed. For whatever reason, she choses the LifeFit machine next to me. I'm sure it's not because she thinks I'm good looking as this girl can't see anything but herself. The fact that I'm overweight and married would never factor in. Anyway, she hops up on this machine and just absolutely rips a fart that would make the kids at scout camp say "HEY! You need to excuse yourself! We're in the woods here!" It was so vile I think the paint on the wall started to peel. She just about cleared out the cardio end, but I was only halfway through so I couldn't leave. I just chugged on blue in the face. I know, it's a natural thing, everybody does it, but DAMN! The kids at scout camp had better go hide if they see this girl coming. She carried on like nothing happened, but we all knew it was her.

While I'm on girls that are annoying me. The new girl at work brought her iPod in. Most of the day she was reading a book (pay me to read a book?) but when she was doing some work, she had the iTunes working her way through it. Well, little did she realize she started to sing...very very loud. Everybody got that? That's two very's, not just one. This went on for an hour. I was tempted to record that and play it back for her so she could hear it later. I think the poor rendition of "Rock My World Little Country Girl" that Jeff and I did was better by a lot. We could have won the CMA for best new vocalist with that thing compared to her. This was so bad, and it only got worse when she stood up to dance. I'm not sure who she is trying to get to notice her, but I wish they'd say Hi and be done with it. She needs to be a lot more low key or I'll have to keep a bottle of Tequila at my desk.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Movie Review - Constantine

Okay, it's been a while since I've done a good movie review for everyone. Think of todays movie review as more of a warning than anything else. The previews made this movie look good, not quite Matrix good, but a different Heaven vs Hell type of good. I was thinking "This is going to be better than End of Days because End of Days was a let down." Well friends, I hate that I get to tell you this, but this movie is not worth the film it was put on. If they had made the movie look like the previews did, this would have been good. Keanu Reeves is a bad actor anyway. I've liked a lot of his movies, but he's just not a good actor. If you disagree with me, watch the third Matrix movie and you'll see. You won't disagree with me after that. Anyway, this movie is so bad I think everybody that saw it was laughing when it was over because the ending was so corny. It's just bad on all levels. Seriously, I think Rachel Weiss lost a bet with someone because she was in a white wet T-shirt the entire time. You couldn't see anything so the movie doesn't even give you that to leave with. It just takes your money and gives you nothing in return. It's worthless on all fronts. Keanu Reeves can honestly do better movies than this - so that should tell you how bad this movie is. Enough people have wasted their time and money making it, please do not make the same mistake I did by seeing it. I promise, no matter how much you're looking forward to seeing it, you'll thank me if you spend your money doing something else.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Random Rant

Well, I figured since I was "randomly selected" to be drug tested today. I'd rant about a few random things. I hate being drug tested. Today is already a short day for me and I blew an hour of my time - and as far as I can tell company money - to get a drug test. In case any of you wondered - I passed. I always pass. The only time I was ever questioned was for steroid use. No, I didn't use steroids. I used some supplements made by EAS called CytoVol and Androstein. The Andro is a mucle enhancer that made me very ticked off all the time, and very strong. CytoVol is supposed to increase vascularity and make you look more pumped up all the time. If you're wondering they both worked. However, on a drug test they show up as steiroids and narcotics. I think the Andro has been outlawed (it was in NCAA competition then) and the CytoVol is a different formula. At the time, all I did was work out and I was huge - now I'm huge in a different way but I'm working on it. Anyway, it seems they always call on me to get drug tested. My last job made me get drug tested three times in eight months. When HR called (we had caller ID) I just didn't answer the phone after that. Random drug testing sucks and I got in a fight with my boss about it. He told me "it makes us a better company." I told him it sucked and it was a waste of my time.

I ranted a couple of days ago about traffic. It seems I overlooked some things so I'll clarify on them now. If you choose to pull out in to traffic, you must do so with force. If you pull out, you must come up to speed or wait for a larger opening. Also, if you need to turn right, the left lane is NOT the lane for you. If you attempt to cross three lanes of traffic within 10 feet, you will be dragged from your car and beaten. Lastly, if you are in the right turn only lane and do not with to turn, this is no ones fault but your own. Do not attempt to go straight and think that people will move because you're an idiot. It is now legal for us to run you in to the wall, and this is also not a valid thing to claim on your car insurance. It will up your rates, but you get to pay out of pocket to fix it as this is no ones fault but your own.

That's all I can think of for now. With any luck I'll get to see the new movie Constantine tonight. Have a good weekend and enjoy the race. Daytona kicks off Sunday at 2:00!!!

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Gratuitous Gratuity

So I've been working out earlier in the mornings because my workout partner got a job. I take this time to do a little extra cardio and enjoy my breakfast a little longer. Yesterday I forgot my breakfast so I walked about a quarter mile up to a coffee shop near work. I just get a cup of coffee and a bagle. The bagles were in a basket on the counter, and the coffee was self serving. I put it on my check card because I had no cash and the total was $2.24. There was a line on the receipt for gratuity and a big tip jar on the counter. When he saw me signing the receipt (he was watching very intently) he moved the tip jar over closer to me to make sure I read the huge sign that said "TIPS!!!" on it. This is unacceptable. I am so tired of seeing tip jars that if this trend continues I'll see one on someones desk at work. If I'm serving myself and you've really done nothing besides turn the coffee machine on (the bagels are bought somewhere else) don't ask me for a tip. This guy - who buy the way was just running the register while someone else handed me a coffee cup and a bag for my bagel - gets mad and wads up my credit card slip while giving me a dirty look then throws it on the ground.

Okay, I waited tables for a good five years at Outback and Chili's. You can't tell me that the service of handing someone a cup for some lukewarm coffee is equivalent to someone who brings your entire meal to you and fills your drinks. Even if I were to tip someone like that, and tip them 15 percent, the best they could hope for is 34 cents. Why get mad over 34 cents when they're paying you an hourly wage? Waiters make $2.125 per hour people, and if they work more than 40 hours they end up making less. After this guy walked off I took his tip jar and set it behind his counter out of site. Maybe he got the message, maybe he didn't. Either way, I'm buying coffee somewhere else.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

The new girl likes attention

If you've been reading this blog lately, you all know we have a new girl here at work that guys are circling like vultures. She must like the attention because I've seen her do nothing but talk on her damn cell phone (cell phones are prohibited at work) and send e-mails to her friends. I wish they'd posted her job so I could apply for it. Anyway, today she shows up in a strapless dress. Honestly, why would you do this? We wear jeans and t-shirts to work. The only reason you should show up in a strapless dress made over like you're going to prom is because you want someone to notice you. I made it a point not to speak to her until she walked in and out of the kitchen 30 times while I was trying to eat lunch. She was cooking a lasagna, because she just clocked in so it had to be time to eat. I guess it's nice to clock in and fix lunch. Honestly, can they pay me to do nothing? Wait....they're paying me to blog. I guess I shouldn't complain.

New Rules for driving in Traffic

It seems people on the way to work don't know how to drive in traffic so I've come up with some rules on what you can and can't do in rush hour traffic. First off, it is no longer acceptable to talk on your damn cell phone in bumper to bumper traffic. If you choose to drive in the left hand lane, be reminded that it is the fast lane. If you are uncomfortable traveling at or above the speed limit, we suggest you opt for the right hand lane. A new law being passed in the city will allow those that wish to go faster to push you out of the way or in to a ditch if you are not abiding by this law. Insurance companies are being informed of this as we speak and they will not accept "I was swerving to miss an animal" or another bullshit story when we all know you were driving too slow on your cell phone in the left hand lane. No one finds this amusing at all. You are also no longer allowed to switch lanes repeatedly to find the one that is moving faster. If you ass clowns would pick a lane and drive, we would all get there at the same time. Since no one in the left hand lane is afraid of the speed limit, we suggest you try that lane if you are in a hurry. We understand that some of you folks that are too scared or too stupid to drive the speed limit will need to turn left at some point. If you cut someone off in an attempt to get in the turn lane because you're driving too slow and they hit you, you will be charged with the accident and we'll allow that other person to beat you until they're out of breath. If this is your goal, please make sure you cut off the fat guy on his cell phone with the bag of donuts. Chances are they will tire much easier than someone with pent up aggression like myself. Should you need to turn left, it does not become the problem of the people in the left hand lane. Just because you put your blinker on does not mean we're going to clear the way for you. You have to wait your turn or again you will be run into the ditch or the concrete wall and have a wrecked car. Insurance claims on this type of incident are null and void. For those of you that think you can make people move by pulling over in the other lane, you cannot. I think once one or two of you hit those walls at 45 mph, you'll realize that they hurt and do not move when you hit them.

For enforcing these new laws we have gone outside of the city police department because they are some of the worst offenders. We are now arming a select group of people with big thick Rhino-Lined bumpers that are impervious to damage so when your gargantuan SUV or rice burner runs in to them, you will be the one left with a mark that lets people know you're in idiot. If you choose not to abide by these rules, we offer public transportation that is probably a better option for you.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers

Attention Wal-Mart shoppers. We are laying out some new ground rules to help the shopping experience of you and everyone around you. The first basic rule being that you cannot have your head in your ass when you get within 200 feet of the parking lot. Since we're talking about parking lots, you are no longer allowed to back traffic up for nine miles so you can get the spot second from the door. If it's open when you get there, it's yours. If it isn't, you're not allowed to wait but since you won't have your head in your ass this won't be a problem anymore. On your way in from your car, since you haven't blocked traffic yet, you are not allowed to walk down the center of the aisle and utter things like "I'm a pedestrian I have rights." You will move or you will get hit by the largest SUV and we will make sure that no one presses charges. Again, no heads in asses should make this easy to comply with.

Upon entering the store, get a cart if you want one, if you don't keep walking. Deciding on a cart does not take the help of those around you. You either need one or you don't. If you are fat and lazy, you are not allowed to use the electric mobile carts. It will do your fat ass some good to walk around the store for an hour. Just make sure you don't walk down the candy aisle. Leave the mobile carts for the elderly who really can't stand for that long, or those who are in a wheelchair. If you do take a cart and decide you do not need it, you are not allowed to leave it in the aisle. You should have made that decision when you walked in. Now you must take it back to the front or keep it with you. We at Wal-Mart encourage carts because it means you'll spend more money. If you have a cart, have consideration for those who do not. Don't block the aisle with it or cut them off. I'm sure since your head is no longer in your ass this will not be a problem either.

Lastly, you either walk down the aisle or don't. There is no standing in the aisle preventing people from walking up and down it. Finally, we have checkout. When you check out, you do not argue with the checkout person. They do not set the prices and you do not get a discount because you shop at Wal-Mart all the time. Everyone shops at Wal-Mart, that's why we control the world.

We're sure these new rules will be hard to comply with at first so we have hired two Ukranians named Ivan and Yven to run security at every store (yes, that are that many Ukranians named Ivan and Yven in this world - trust us) with their less than ethical cousins. Believe us they do not care about your problems. Should you be caught with your head in your ass, they will help you remove it. Should you be caught not obeying these rules we have given our Ukranian thug friends the authority to take whatever measures necessary to make sure these rules are inforced 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year. If you do not like these rules, once again we rule the world and will make sure you shop here and comply with these rules. We know at first the light will be bright as some of you were born with your heads in your asses, but we promise it will only be painful until you learn to cope with the real world. Once again we thank you for your time and consideration in all of these things and we appreciate you taking time to shop with us here are your friendly Wal-Mart.

Can you tell who had the misfortune of going to Wally World today?

Friday, February 11, 2005

Bus Drivers

You know, we all rode the cheesewagon at some point in our life and I'm sure we all thought the bus driver was crazy. I remember one day in high school our bus driver cut someone off in the big cheese and we got rear ended by the girl. We kept telling the bus driver to stop because he'd totalled someones car but he said "I don't have time for that bull shit." I went to a Christian high school, that set a great example for the elementary kids. Nothing like having to explain what bull shit is and why the bus driver doesn't have time for it. Anyway, bus drivers as a whole I think just get tired behind the wheel or forget that they have an extra 50 feet of vehicle to navigate.

My sister was recently on a Carta bus here in town and the lady ran two redlights almost causing a wreck in both intersections. The people on the bus (sister included) started screaming at her because they thought she'd lost her mind. She in turn stopped the bus on some railroad tracks (which is a big no no when you have a CDL) and proceeded to yell back at the passengers. My sister whipped out her cell phone in all this madness and called Carta. She said "You guys need to get this crazy bitch off this bus before she kills someone." They said "Who would you be referring to?" Her response - "Your stupid bus driver that's stopped on some railroad tracks having just run two redlights and is now yelling at us!" She was only a few feet from the bus depot, and the stop on the railroad tracks was just a few feet from the parking lot she was headed to. The lady on the phone actually said "We apologize for the inconvenience. Have a Carta Day!"

Have a Carta Day?!?!? Okay, so I'm over reacting because no one was hurt, but Have a Carta Day?" Let's be serious. I think if I'd heard that I would have walked over to the bus station to tell her where to stick her Carta Day.

In lighter news, the desk nazi at the Y has finally started speaking to me again and has found the humor in my "level 5 security clearance" statement when I show him my ID. I think he's just happy to get to play with his scan gun. To each their own. Have a great weekend!

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Friday please don't be late...

So work sucked ass today but that's no suprise. If it was fun, they wouldn't call it work. I'd get paid to visit Jeff and Mary or hang out with Chas and J if I could. If I figure that out guys, we'll all have a new career. Anyway, this week has been the kind of week where I've sat in my car five minutes before work debating to call in sick or not. Without fail I've chickened out and gone. I hate the people at work as much as I hate the people at the gym. Why? Because they're stupid.

We have a new girl at work. I don't know what she does, but I know her name. I've introduced myself, I say hi when I pass her. That's pretty much the extent. I may be an unsocial bastard, but I really don't need to sit a bs with someone unless it pertains to what I'm doing or what I have to get done. So why is work like the gym you ask? Because guys act like they've been at summer camp when fresh meat shows up. Summer camp? Yes, when you work at scout camp for eight weeks without seeing a single female - the deer start to look pretty. A bunch of guys (all married I should add) were going on about the new girl like we had Pamela Anderson working for us. I finally said "Does she have a steak attached to her neck that I didn't see?" They said it was because I was a newly wed. Make no mistake, I look at my fair share of women. My wife knows this. However, I've never been a vulture (no comments from Jeff please) that circles over them waiting for an opportunity to dive in for the kill. It won't matter how long I'm married - I have a hot wife and I'm happily married. It's the same way in a gym full of roid heads. An average girl walks in and she's a goddess among insects. God forbid someone really attractive come in. I can only imagine the poor girl then. Don't get me wrong, this new girl isn't ugly, but she's not someone I would pursue if I were single. She hadn't been working by herself for 30 minutes before she had a crowd around her. Call me crazy, but I bet women enjoy the useless bs less than I do. I saw a friend of mines girlfriend in the gym the other day and just said Hi. No conversation - just hi. I told him "Hey, tell her not to be mad. I despise when people talk to me while I'm working out and I hate looking like a gym vulture." He said not to worry, she hates that shit too. I hate it. Find something better to do with your time than pester the shit out of someone who doesn't deserve it.

The new girl had a married guy ask her out. She's not been there seven days yet. If I was her, or any girl that went in to a gym, I'd run screaming. The reason for today's blog - guys are frickin' nuts. Every time I see a guy looking like a jackass performing one of these ridiculous acts I hate that it's illegal for me to run over and beat him until I can't lift my arms. I know. I should probably seek anger management classes before I have a heart attack.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Double Standards?

Okay, so one of the latest news stories here in TN is this 27 year old teacher that was sleeping with her 13 year old student. First off, what is this about? I've seen this girl on the news and I'm quite confident she could get a guy her age. Anyway, she's supposedly getting charged with multiple counts of sexual battery. I'm not really sure how you can charge a Barbie doll like this lady with sexual assault on any guy. It's just weird. Secondly, it went on for a year and a half and she was married! Her husband filed for divorce last month because of marital misconduct. Wow, that's a shock. If there is any money to be had, I'm certain he'll have it all. Any judge that awards differently has issues.

The really disturbing part to me is that there is talk of putting this girl in prison for life (or 100 years whichever comes first) but we let Michael Jackson walk the streets. Where is the logic here? She's at least partaking of members of the opposite sex. I don't think either case is right, by any stretch of the imagination, but if you're going to let one of them go - why would it be Michael Jackson? What sense does this make? Are we saying it's okay to invite thousands of little boys to share your bed with you? Do we think this is normal? Is this more acceptable than our kid that had the hots for his teacher? Our justice system is so messed up these days. Mostly because it has messed up people in court all the time, but our values are all wrong.

The joke isn't funny when it's on you...or is it?

Well, yesterday someone I worked with wanted to play a joke on me. He had someone send me an e-mail saying I was going to get fired in the next four weeks. He thought this would be hilarious to see my reaction. So, while I wouldn't have really found this hilarious, the guy sending me the e-mail clued me in on it. I responded to the e-mail by saying they should replace him (the guy that originated this prank) with a monkey because he could do the same job, and that I already had another job lined up in a couple of weeks. The prankster was livid. He sent e-mails to our boss saying I should be fired, and I had a bad attitude and I was on his shit list. He was going off. Before he left I went over and told him I was in on it the whole time. While he calmed down, he didn't think it was the least bit funny. Then he said "Well, I knew about it the whole time. I just went along." Sure you did. We all believe you. In short, while me and my friend got a great laugh out of it, he didn't find it amusing in the least. It's amazing how pranks like that aren't funny when they come back on you. Why is it that some people don't find that funny? If you're going to initiate something, wouldn't you prepare for one to come back on you? Just my thoughts, but I haven't pulled a prank like that on someone since elementary school.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Paper Shredders and Traffic Lights

So I'm headed to work today from the Y. My new hi-tech security pass now lets me in to the gym hassle free by the way. I could probably walk faster than I could drive there, and I may start doing that. Anyway. There are five traffic lights between me and work and I have yet to make two of them in a row. It's like a joke. A five minute walk is a 15 minute drive because of the stop lights. The guy that sets the timers on these things has a very sick sense of humor.

At one of these stop lights there is a large bank. Today they had an 18 wheeler blocking the road. The 18 wheeler is a mobile shredding service. The mobile shredding service takes up all 53 feet of this trailer. It was a mystery to me so regardless of the time I had to stop and ask "Why does a bank need a mobile shredding service of this proportion?" The bank official outside looked at me like I was a reporter and said "What are you Eyewitness news?" I said "No, but I think I'd be concerned about putting money in bank that has this much to hide." He didn't find this amusing at all so I went on to work. I didn't figure he'd tell me, but no one else seemed to be asking why the Stanely Steemer of paper shredders was outside of a bank. It just makes you wonder - what are they covering up? What would a bank of that size need papershredusmaximus for? I'm sure someone will tell me they have to and nothing illegal is going on, but to a non-banking employee it looks funny. I didn't know in America we had a need for 53 feet of mobile shredding services, but I was proved wrong.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Which words to spell

Have you ever talked to someone on the phone and wondered why they only spell the easy words? I was talking to a customer the other day. Let's call him Gary. When he gave me his information, he said "My name is Gary, that's G-A-R-Y. Last name is.." Well, I should probably leave that one blank, but I assure it it was seven miles long. He opted not to spell that one for me. I'm pretty smart, and I can figure out most things or take a guess phonetically and maybe get them right. I couldn't even being to fathom what this was. Then he finally spells it and we move on to his street address. This guy had to be messing with me. It was 123 somethingorother road. He spells road, the street was a spanish name of some sort. He said "Nobody every knows how to spell that." I'm thinking "If no one knows how to spell it, SPELL IT OUT!" Seriously, I can spell road all day long without anyones help.

Secondly, we've got a guy here in the office who has no real job function. He sends e-mails and nags people about their job. One day I swear I'm going to ask him what his job entails. Someone today at the morning meeting gave him pom-poms and a mega-phone because he was "inspiring and motivational." The rest of us cracked up to no end, whereas he thought this was a good thing. The pom-poms are hanging on his wall like an award. I think next week I'll get him a dunce cap to see if he wears it all day.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Patriots Win...and WE HAVE CABLE!!!!

Well, I like football but this year I really didn't have a team in the Superbowl. I had reasons to pull for and against both teams so some time this afternoon I decided on the Patriots. I'm in a business negotiation with someone here in town that is a big Eagles fan. This guy is such a boob and made me so mad this week I was pulling for the Pats. That, coupled with Jeff despising the Eagles made me want to see the Pats win.

Honestly, I could care less. Usually the wife and I do superbowl parties, hang out with friends, something. This year, we stayed home and cleaned. We're settling more and more in to the new house and I've been doing laundry all frickin day. We normally only watch for the commercials, but this year their just weren't any. The FedEx commercial was good, the Mustang Commercials were good, and the one commercial for Ameriquest Mortgage with the cat was good, but that was it. Does anyone else feel this way, or is it just me?

Well, 14 days until I don't watch the Daytona 500 (because I know who is going to win) and my Sundays will be full up. The really good news of the entire weekend is that we have cable! For a year and a half we've lived with a set of rabbit ears. The reception at the new house is so bad it's not even funny. Friday afternoon, we're cable subscribers. Now I can sit at home on Saturday mornings and watch Speedvision in my underwear (I'm sure that's a thought none of you wanted so think of it more as an expression), drink some OJ and pretty much in general be lazy. Ahh...the life of a late 20's cable subscriber.

Why are these people still on my TV?

Okay, so it's been a big week at the movies for me. One of my friends wives was out of town and we did a guys night out with a nasty chinese buffet called Chef Lyn's and saw Assault on Precint 13 at the Rave. This movie theater is great. It looks very retro, yet somehow very new. I like it. I think I should open up one on the other end of town. People would go see a movie there for sure. So anyway, Assault on Precint 13 is a remake of the 1970's version of the John Carpenter movie with the same title. It's got Laurence Fishburne, and Ethan Hawke. It's a great movie. I really really liked it. I will for sure buy that when it comes out on DVD.

Second, we saw Million Dollar Baby last night with Clint Eastwood, Morgan Freeman, and Hillary Swank. This was also very good, but not what I expected. I would highly reccomend you see this. Afterwards you'll know why it's up for best picture. Be forwarned, it is not what you would expect. It's very good, and very unpredictable.

So, the purpose of this blog is to find out why Jay Mohr and Michelle Kwan are STILL on my TV. They've certainly overstayed their welcome on their 15 minutes of fame. Jay Mohr is not a good actor, and not funny. I can't think of a single role he's had where he was tolerable for more than 30 seconds. Michelle Kwan. We've lost sympathy for you. You're not going to win the gold medal and we'd just like you to go away now. She's also in a movie (about ice skating) with Michelle Trachtenburg from Eurotrip. She plays a comentator and has a line in the trailer about how "this girl could be golden." I'm sure she was paid a lot of money to say that line and I hope to God she's not in the next Winter Olympics. Seriously. When Paul Hogan realized he'd outstayed his welcome, he moved on. I think Jay Mohr and Michelle Kwan should now do the same. No wonder people don't take our country seriously. We broadcast why Michelle Kwan should get the sympathy vote, and people pay to see movies with Jay Mohr in them. Look guys, you've had your time. Now you're just wasting everyones time because no one on earth wants to see you on TV again. Please leave.

Friday, February 04, 2005

The Pope is a Bad Ass and Paul McCartney will perform the Super Bowl halftime show naked

So I was watching the news yesterday and they said the Pope had the flu and a respiratory infection. The reporter didn't seem to think it was a big deal so they spent a total of 30 seconds on it in the morning news. I'm thinking to myself "Okay, the Pope is 84 years old. The flu and difficulty in breathing has to be serious. The Catholic church may have to find a new Pope." Well, today they spent more time on it and gave a little of the Popes background. As a kid he was a soccer goalie, in 1981 he was shot six times, in 93 he had his hip replaced, in 96 he had his appendix removed. Now, I can understand why the flu is nothing to be alarmed about. The Pope is clearly a bad ass. If I were in a bar fight in Vatican City, I think I'd want the Pope on my side. Seriously, glad to know the Pope is going to make a full recovery and said he will be back to his usual routine by Sunday.

So Paul McCartney is doing the Halftime show to restore its credibility. After the Pope ordeal this morning he said "I certainly won't have to worry about wardrobe malfunctions because I'll be doing the entire show naked." Way to go Paul, it's nothing we haven't seen in the YMCA locker room while trying to watch the news. I think his halftime show will be good. This year, I probably won't even try to talk to the wife in to getting the Lingerie Bowl instead. I can't wait to hear Janet Jacksons response to this. This should be good.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Gym memberships and perceived authority

So, I lost my ID card to get in to the gym membership when we moved. I've been using my license because they say all you have to do is present a valid ID. Today, the quiet old man behind the counter says his usual good morning, then says "Patrick. I'm told this is no longer acceptable. You cannot use this one more day at this facility. I am going to write your name down and keep it at this desk so you can no longer get away with it." Then this stupid old man writes my name down on a piece of paper. I haven't had my name written down since elementary school. What's worse is that he couldn't just tell me to go get a new ID. He had to make a spectacle of it, talk down to me, and threaten to not let me in. Seriously, he's old and I don't think he could stop anyone from coming in. It's amazing that someone can take such a small authority and act like they're ruler of the gym. So I get my new card and they take it back over to him to scan it then give it back to me. When I leave I say "Did you need to scan this again? I don't want a check by my name when I come in tomorrow." He didn't appreciate that so I told him he had too much perceived authority. I think as much money as we pay in gym fees, and all they require is a valid ID, I shouldn't have to take crap from a janitor that works the front counter because he can't use his scan gun to sign my card. He didn't appreciate this talk either, so I explained to him perceived authority. I told him it ranked up there with parking attendants and that people that had small authority and something to prove lashed out on people for no reason because they're in charge. He didn't think he did that, but I told him he did. I suppose now he won't scan my card tomorrow because he doesn't have to. This could get ugly.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Drugs..who invents these things?

So, at the Y this morning I'm attempting to watch some news to catch up on current events. We don't have cable at home so I get to hit Fox News and CNN at the gym while I'm having some post-workout coffee. In between every segment there were advertisements for every kind of drug you can imagine. We had digestion problems, depression problems, natural male enhancement, viagra, cialis, you name it. Do I really need to see that when I watch the news? Can't we sell advertising slots that aren't targeted at hypochondriacs? Maybe I'm just being selfish but I don't suffer from those problems, and somehow or another I think those ads just make people think they have stuff and want to go get it. Furthermore, the side effects are worse than the symptoms! Why would I take something that would make me less depressed, but could cause severe bleeding out the eye sockets, deafness, numbness from the neck down or otherwise? I think I could live with being depressed.

So, I was watching all these ads and they said their results were compared to people who took a placebo. Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?