Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Blogger Poll...

So if I haven't run everyone off with my Christmas rantings, I've got a question for all those still around. The Jeep of Doom is approaching it's end, and pretty fast. Currently the wife and I are deciding between all other things that we have going on this holiday season what to do. Our options are no different than anyone else's but I figure I can always turn to my blogger friends for some helpful advice. So here we go.

The options are simple.

Option One - The Jeep of doom can get a new engine and I can drive it for three to five more years. It's paid for so provided nothing else happens to it over the course of three to five more years that seems like a decent investment. But, what if something else happens this time next year that's a major fix? Then what?

Option Two - Upgrade. A new set of wheels for Raul might just be in order. We had hoped to wait until Summer to make a change, but I have a feeling it's going to hit here in the next few weeks and we won't have a choice once I get to make the "I'm stuck on the side of the road" call. So option Two A is to keep the Jeep, leave it on the back burner and have it as a spare. Fix it next year or something after we've put money aside for it. Have a spare summer vehicle that Tumbler will enjoy riding in, and Raul gets......a new Dodge Charger SRT-8. Why get the top of the line? Well, if I'm going to have this car for seven years like I did this one, I want it to handle well, and be really fast. When Dad had his heart attack I was 50 miles away in a Jeep that really didn't like running 90mph. Making a trip to get to Dad or to any family member in my current Jeep is going to take time. Given, you can pass people on shoulders and in the grass but the Jeep is far from being a vehicle to get you somewhere in a hurry. But the Charger would have four doors so it's way more practical than anything we have now. It would either be black, red, or silver. Did I mention fast? Yeah, a 6.1L Hemi with 425HP is a nice place to start. Lots of creature comforts, and a very comfortable ride.

Option Two B. Can the current Jeep. Either sell it for what we can get out of it, or give it to my cousin who turns 16 in January and let him put an engine in it. It might be a good starter car for him, and since he lives in Florida he'd probably enjoy it. What 16 year old kid wouldn't enjoy one? Yes, that is generous but I don't think the wife will let me do that. But I think it would be nice. Mostly because he probably won't ever have a car that nice. But it would make a good starter car for him I think. Anyway, option two b would be all of that plus....

A fully upgraded Jeep built specifically for Raul. A 2007 Four door Wrangler with enough back seat room to ride to Florida in comfortably, and a 5.7 Hemi powerplant. Can come with up to 37 inch tires, still has plenty of creature comforts (did I mention it's got a Hemi?) and room for Tumbler to hop in the back when he arrives. Pretty much it's a full out modified Jeep with nothing really left to do...well, I'm sure the engine could use a blower to double it's horsepower but that would have to come later. It would also be an automatic, not particularly fast but probably wouldn't protest interstate speeds like the current Jeep does.

Anyway, those are the two options. Option three I think I've taken off the table. I was going to buy a cheap car for a couple thousand just to drive to and from work but the cheap cars I want have somehow appreciated in value to the point that I'd be better off buying a new car.

Okay, blogger friends...lets have some feedback here. Which would you choose? As far as money goes they're close enough in price that it doesn't matter all that much. The Jeep would be new, the Charger would be used. So let's have it.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Bob gets the message

Apparently I wasn't the only one that was irate with Jihadist Bob Kearns. This story hit the AP today. It would seem that Bob and the rest of the now unfired committee have decided that a wreath shaped like a peace sign is an okay thing at Christmas. Imagine that Bob. Also, Bob and the other committee members of their terrorist regime in their neighborhood in Denver had their numbers changed to unlisted numbers yesterday afternoon. I have to admit I thought about giving Jihad Bob a call but decided against it. I can only hope someone read this blog and he was greeted this morning by a huge steaming stinking pile of dog shit that covered his entire driveway. Or maybe this was Bob's plan all along, get the attention of the public in their little neighborhood, raise a huge fuss, then say it's only a misunderstanding and she can keep her wreath. Obviously she wasn't waiting on your permission Bob. Amazingly Bob the Terrorist won't do interviews with the Associated Press. Could it be that America now views him as a symbol of satan? Or could it be that his reign of terror over their subdivision has ended? Ahh...Bob if only you knew the anger that is going to get taken out on the homeowners association president in mom and dad's neighborhood because of you. Perhaps you two should start a support group for middle aged assholes with too much time on their hands? At any rate, Bob the Terrorist is currently no longer a threat in Denver so I apologize if I've offended anyone in my rantings the last couple of days.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Merry Christmas Bob

Okay, I may have mentioned before that my parents had some trouble with their home owners association and I still make it a point to drive by the association presidents house while in their neighborhood and either drive through his yard or call him an asshole if he's outside. Special Tiffany was nice enough to forward me this article today...

Just in case they pull the link down, a lady put a wreath in the shape of a peace sign on her door and they considered it a symbol of satan and told her she'd be fined $25 a day if she didn't take it down. So the fines would cost her about $1000 but she was leaving it. Good for her. This woman is a former association president in the current neighborhood so she doesn't see the problem. Apparently no one else does either because after the committee decided it was okay, the asshat president Bob Kearns fired them. Way to go Bob. I hope you rot in hell right next to Jack Black. So tell me, does this look like a satanic symbol to anyone else?

I didn't think so. I think homeowners associations take themselves way too seriously and believe they have way too much control over what you actually do to and around your home. These homeowners associations should take note. The real problem is that they get some form of power and think they can "fix" everything they don't like. I would have to say Bob Kearns is a Jihad terrorist and must be treated as such. His house should be vandalized every night with notes left the next morning that say "Clean this shit up before you go to work or we're fining you $25,000 an hour. Clocks ticking asshole. In the time it took you to read this note you're already in the hole $7500." Then, as he's outside cleaning it up - because mind you he wouldn't be able to get out of the driveway to go to work before he did - I'd make sure some unruly kids were driving by and throwing more stuff in his yard. I guarantee you two or three days of hard core vandalization to these peoples homes and they'll change their tune about symbols of satan. I don't think we have a homeowners association in our neighborhood, that was part of the appeal really, but if we did...let them tell me that one of my wifes wreathes is a symbol of satan. They'd have a pink house with zombified gnomes that would be converted to a haven for drug rehabbing sex offenders on their hands. Oh, and Hakmid the terrorist across the street from us, would have a class A lawn compared to what I'd keep.

Rise up and be recognized Bob Kearns. You're the Asshat of the Month for December. If someone does something to top you, I'll be shocked. Merry Fucking Christmas Bob...I have to Santa considered a symbol of Satan in your neighborhood too? I mean, you could rearrange the could be a subliminal message you know. All these years of giving and Santa is really a tool of the devil. What about Nativity scenes? Is Jesus an okay fit for your terrorist regime governing your neighborhood? Are those politically correct? Should we hang "Happy Winter Festival" signs instead? Are those too offensive for you Bob? Bob, do you even see the irony here? You're fighting and fining during Christmas over a FUCKING PEACE SIGN! Somehow you missed the message Bob. I hope you enjoyed your 15 minutes of lame...err...fame as you were hoping for. Nice job, take your war on Peace on Earth and Goodwill towards men somewhere else...asshat.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Thanksgiving Success

I'm sure you're all wondering when I'm going to post about Thanksgiving. To say the least it went well. Wednesday was the mad dash cleaning of the entire house, top to bottom. The good news is my garage is clean for now and so is the rest of the house. My grandparents hadn't seen our house yet and they seemed to like it pretty well. It was kinda odd though, they just kinda came and left. Not much else happened. The turkey was done about two hours before it was supposed to be so it sat in the oven on warm most of the day. I did manage to not set myself on fire and turn the grille in to a giant afterburner of doom on my back porch so that's a bonus. We did three kinds of turkey, and it was all smoked. Not sure why, but I enjoy smoking stuff it would seem. I'm all over it these days. We did one 10 pound turkey injected with Captain Morgans Rum. Then we did one Turkey breast injected with Captain Morgan's Tattoo (good shit too), both were rubbed with Sticky Fingers Rib Rub and olive oil on the outside. The third and final turkey was a Bobby Flay original. read that right...a Bobby Flay recipe. Which can only mean one thing....

Flay and I have reconciled. It would seem he didn't enjoy the last post where I called him an asshole so we watched him on TV yesterday morning and his turkey breast recipe didn't look so we tried it and it rocked. Further review showed that someone submitted that recipe to Mr. Flay, as most of his recipes are not his...that can only mean one thing...

Yeah, he can cook, and most of his recipes aren't so bad...but he's still a dick. I guess we didn't stay reconciled for long huh? Oh well.

At any rate, Thanksgiving was good. Both families seemed to enjoy the meal and my mother-in-law came over early to help cook and even cleaned up afterwards. The only thing I have left to do is hang out and play the rumrunners X-box tomorrow while the wife is out shopping. Hopefully that will last all day, but we'll see. We bought Enter the Matrix at a game place the other day for $5. I played it a little while today and it seems kinda gay, but we'll see. It's been a while since I played any kind of video games but I'll make up for that tomorrow.

Happy Thanksgiving to all our friends and readers. I'm thankful that you take time to read my blog whenver I get time to post and that you can all take time to laugh and the insanely stupid things I do, and I'm thankful to have you all as my friends.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Signs of Impending Doom

I know I's Thanksgiving and me and anyone reading this blog is thankful to be able to read this, and dont' get me wrong...I'm thankful that you're reading. I'll be way more thankful once this week is over. Let me tell you why...

The wife and I decided this year maybe we'd have Thanksgiving at our house. Every year, like most married couples with two sets of inlaws in town we do two meals with two different families and it's the one day of the year where I put on at least 1o pounds. Yes, that is different than most other days. I'm actually losing weight thank you. I've lost a whopping seven pounds. I know, you can't believe how much I rule either. Back to the matter at hand. We've informed both of our inlaws that we'd be having dinner at our house this year and informed them what time to come. Amazingly we were met with very little opposition. We had some on her side that decided it would be too crowded and aren't coming. This could be the most interesting Thanksgiving in family history. For the last 18 years my family and I have invited my grandparents up for Thanksgiving, Christmas, whatever. They live about three hours Auburn...who I should mention beat Alabama for the fifth straight year...They never show up. They usually wait until the day before to tell us that we never let them know for sure, or they have other plans. Truth be told my Grandmother doesn't do a damn thing that isn't her idea. She's worse about it than anyone else I know. So, since some of my hot wifes relatives didn't show, I said "Hey honey, why don't we call my grandparents? They won't come but they'll probably appreciate the invite." She agreed, it would be nice and she too was confident they wouldn't come. So I called. Without any form of hesitation at all, they're coming. I say again, after an 18 year drought THEY'RE FRICKIN COMING!!!! I called Mom and told her. My mother was in shock for a second and said "Are you shitting me?" No...I was not. Dad in the background had already begun his week long string of obscenities because he knew they'd be cleaning the house from top to bottom. Mom knew of course that I was inviting them. She also knew that the one constant in this universe is that they don't ever come up when we invite them. They did come up for graduation, so it's not like we never see them. We just can't get them to come for dinner....ever. So how do I know impending doom is coming? Not hard.

I knew with them coming I had to get the yard clean, and of course the house and the garage clean. They've never seen our house before and my grandmother will open every closet in our house to see how clean it is. Every one. So the frantic cleaning and yard work began on Sunday morning. Oddly I woke up and my knee was killing me. So I hobbled around a bit, made some breakfast and thought it would get better. It got worse. It became inconsistent and I couldn't trust it. I have been running a lot but I hadn't run in two days at least. This was pain, and a lot of it. I looked at the yard thinking when I saw it, it may not be that bad. I was wrong. It was somehow worse so I knew I'd have to suck it up and get it done. At least I have a riding mower, and the section that I push mow wouldn't be to bad...right? Yeah...on went the knee brace. It didn't help, but things were going well. The front yard was almost done, the bag was full and I go to empty it. I come back from the bottom of the back yard, and the lawnmower was gone. What the fuck? Seriously, it was right by the front porch when I left. Had Gone in 60 Seconds Lawn Equipment just hit my front yard? Was I going to be left with just a bag? For a second I thought about how much I really did like that lawnmower. Then I noticed something. The neighbors (not the rumrunners, the ones actually next door to us) have a visitor in town and he has a Jeep parked in front of the house. Under the Jeep is my lawnmower. Damnit. So I walk down thinking "not only do I have to buy a new lawnmower I have to buy this guy a new Jeep bumper." Seeing as Jeeps are just about bullet proof when lawn equipment is concerned it was fine. The lawnmower is not. I meant to post a picture, but somehow I figured it would be less funny if you saw it. I'm not sure how, but I forgot to take the picture so we're going with it. I think the lawnmower is done. I'm going to take it to Sears this week to see what they can do, if anything. I imagine the guys there will get a good laugh, but it's pretty bad. The wheels aren't pointed upright anymore and the plastic cover on the engine is pretty well FUBAR. Also the cord won't pull, I'm hoping it's just because of the cover, but we'll see. I might end up with a shiny new lawnmower. But that's not all. I decided this would be the best time to get the riding mower out. It wasn't. I almost flipped it twice and took out several small trees at the edge of the back yard. When changing the bag for some reason the brake let go and the riding mower took off across the back yard. So here is a guy with his knee in lots of pain chasing a riding lawnmower. I'm sure it was really funny to watch, but it sucked. Why is my lawn equipment in such protest? This sucks! So the lawn is done, the knee is still in pain but I might actually go to the doctors office. I don't know. I might just drink a lot of rum this week.

The RumRunners are gone so unfortunately they won't be around to witness all the things that could potentially go wrong with me smoking a turkey on Thursday morning. If we don't get a chance to update again, please send us happy thoughts, and I hope everyone else has a less eventful but very happy Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

The Verdict Is....

We're getting a dog. Yes, we're getting a Bullmastiff. I think we've even decided on a name. This decision comes after visiting breeders, and reading tons of stuff on the internet. Good Lord I've been reading. We visited two breeders, one close, one not so close. The first one was good. His dogs were well tempered, well behaved, very friendly, and as playful as a 145lb dog can be. Actually, you can see him...

The collar in the picture he has since out grown so he currently doesn't sport one. He's a wicked fast dog, but because of his size he's a little clumsy. Think of him as the Arnold of dogs. We had heard about the amount of drool these guys can produce. It was insane the stuff we heard about keeping drool towels on you at all times and making sure any house guests have drool towels because everyone near the dog needs them. These dogs didn't drool a bit. So problem solved there. The mom we didn't get to play with much because he was too worried she'd run off. But we did get to meet her...

She's pretty. We hope our dog is that color. Speaking of color, you can get these beasts in red, fawn, or brindle. The brindle is kinda like a black camo almost. I like it, but the wife hates it. So we're hoping for a red or fawn. I think brindle is unlikely in this litter so we're in the clear there.

Now on to the name. We're 99 percent sure it's going to be...Tumbler. That's the name we both agree on. Part of me still hopes that the wife has a change of heart and says "Hammer isn't such a bad name. Let's go with that." But I'm not holding my breath on that one. I know you're all thinking "Since you and your neighbors drink so much rum, why not name it Morgan?" Simple. The dog in the first picture is a descendant of Captain Morgan the show dog. Just about every male from that litter was named Morgan. It's a cool name, and would have great meaning, but it's a little overplayed.

The other breeder just made us both sad. This old lady had four types of dogs in a series of kennels on her property behind her husbands shop. English Matiffs, Bloodhounds, Bassetthounds, and Bullmastiffs. Something about this place just seemed wrong. The lady was nice, but she was too honest with us. She had a puppy in the most recent litter that only weighed three quarters of a pound at birth when the rest of them weighed four pounds. The runt got ran over when her husband drove up to the kennel to see her. No one saw it. Red Flag number one. Number two is that they were seven weeks old and had round worms that she couldn't get cured. Yeah, Red Flag Two. They had another puppy out of a previous litter that had some sort of disease. Picture a six week old puppy with a football sized mass in her stomach. Not a miniature football mind you, a full out NFL regulation football. Yeah. Red Flag number three and we were out. Nice people, don't get me wrong...they just didn't have healthy dogs. I can't see bringing a dog home that may not enjoy a full quality of life.

Anyway, that's all from your favorite bookstore today. The dog should arrive in February so the preparation begins now. We've picked out a dog house that will likely involve rum, a rumrunner, and power tools. It's a do it yourselfer. I know the instructions don't call for it, but Rum is always a necessity when dealing with directions and power tools.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Voting and Dog Names

So it's voting day in TN. Know what that means? Tomorrow when I watch my TV shows I don't have to see every single commercial telling me that the other candidate is evil. THEY'RE BOTH EVIL! Anyway, exercise your right to vote. Vote for the candidate that made you laugh the most or had the best commercials because no one knows what they really stand for. Enough about that.

So the wife and I have talked about getting a dog. A BIG dog. Actually the decision came quickly. We've talked on and off about getting a dog for a while since most of our friends have them, and we both like dogs. I had to go to a store in the mall the other day. They might not appreciate being mentioned on the blog, but lets just say the name rhymes with Radio Snack. In the mall there is a pet store. One where I would never buy a pet from because they just seem cruel. Anyway, there was a dog in there I didn't recognize but looked somewhat unique. It was a Bullmastiff. If you've never heard of them, they look like this full grown...

Yeah, a big dog. I think they're around 27 inches tall at the shoulders and can weigh up to 130lbs. Originally they were bred to keep poachers off of private land in England. They're big and forceful but won't maul the attackers. They're 60 percent English Mastiff and 40 percent Bulldog. Either way, I like them. Bad habits and all. So we've been trying to figure out a name. I've come up with a lot, and Hemi is already taken by a dog at my parents house. So, anybody got any suggestions? My personal favorite was Hammer, but the wife and neighbors quickly told me I was gay and I was vetoed. Under further consideration are the following - Achilles (a Raul Fav), Porter, Flash, Argus, Thor, Morgan (as in the rum), Indy (after the movie and my now favorite racing series), Lucius, Wedge, Hero (another Raul Fav), and my hot wife likes Mufasa, Simba, Merlin, Sway, Tumbler, Atley, Brinley, Castillo, Barton, and Jameson. I would choose something like Neo, or Sway but I think Neo sounds too much like NO, and Sway might sound like Stay to a dog so they might just be confused. Morpheus would sound dumb calling for him in the back yard. Among the taken names are Strider and Loki (thanks to the rumrunners), and my personal favorite Hemi. I don't know. It's a big topic of discussion in the house currently and we're still undecided on the dog thing. So, blogger friends...if you've got any good manly dog names please throw them our way.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Back in the Gym

Over the last few months I've been trying to make a habit of getting back in to the gym. I've got a hurt shoulder so I haven't been able to do much in a while, but I've been able to observe and came up with a new list of rules for working out at a gym.

1. Attire - Seriously, I don't know what mirror most of you people look in but you've got to get serious about your clothing. If it takes you more than five or six seconds to put on, it's likely too tight and no one wants to see you in it. Myself included. I might not be the most stylish person in the gym but trust me you prefer that I be fully covered and for most of you, I prefer the same. As a rule of thumb, if it looks small on the model or the hangar, it will be small on you.

2. The Counter Ho - yes, the girl at the counter is supposed to be pretty. No she's not going to sleep with you. Not because you're not Mike and likely a total tool (because if you're hitting on her and we're having this conversation you are clearly not Mike and are a tool), but because it's kinda her job to make you want to sign up. My counter is not much different here at work. Sure, we discriminate and hire young women with naval piercings that are often referred to as hot chics, but it's a marketing scheme. Do you think you'd really sign a contract with an ugly chic or an overweight fat guy running the counter? Not likely. So seriously, leave her alone. Say hi when you scan your card at the door and move on. I don't care if her thong is sticking out or her shirt is low and open enough that you can see her bra matches her thong. There is no mix of words you can put together to get her number that some ass clown hasn't already tried and you're just standing in front of the scanner so I can't get in and it's really really annoying. She's there for new sign ups, once you're a member conversations with the counter ho should be limited. Very limited. As the matter of fact, when you get out of the car, start saying to yourself "She's not going to sleep with me, she's not going to sleep with me." Say that until you've scanned your card and made it to the locker room and you'll both be happier people.

3. The Locker Room - this is a touchy subject for me. If ever I'm forced in to a gym locker room I try to make the experience as quick and painless as possible. You change, you leave. Posing in the mirror naked is something you should try at home because honestly, I don't know any one that is wondering what you look like naked. We're guys, we already know. Make locker rooms co-ed and you can pose away. Walking up to me to say hi while you're completely naked is unacceptable. I especially don't want to watch you towel off after your shower. You can seriously do that somewhere else and my feelings won' t be hurt at all.

This should be a given, but cell phones should also be kept to a minimum while in this area. As the matter of fact, I would recommend while you're in the car saying "She's not going to sleep with me" that you leave the phone there. You are after all at the gym to work out, your social and work life should be put on hold and forgotten about while you're there. Otherwise you're just going through the motions and it's not doing you any good.

4. Socializing - I know you probably join a particular gym because your friends joined, but you should keep your yapping time to an absolute minimum. Talking to people you don't know should also be limited to "Are you using this? Okay thanks." You can knod when passing someone on the way to or from the water fountain, but trust me normal people don't go to the gym to make new friends. They have other settings for that. I think they're called bars. Or MySpace.

If you must open your mouth and explain what kind of exercise you're doing the words "I don't want to get too big" should NEVER be spoken. Putting on size is not as easy as you think and you're not going to look like the roid user across the room if you do your curls with 15 pounds intead of 10. Trust me on this. He might be on roids, but it didn't come easily to him either. Size is a combination of discipline, hard work, and lots of time spent with the iron. If you have no desire to gain muscle, buy a nordic trac and stay your dumb ass at home. If you're a man and you say you don't want to get too big you should be permanently banned from any fitness center in a three state radius. Also, if you speak these words while doing clean and jerks with five pound plates on your bar, I'm going to hit the head with a 45 pound plate. When you wake up three days later you're going to be a better person because you won't likely ever return to the gym. Another thing that will likely get you punched in the face by mentioning is "Spot Fat Reduction." This is a fairy tale. It does not exist. Period.

5. MP3 Players - These are a great new device to drown out the tools hitting on the counter ho, and the crappy music that is always played at gyms. Someone with an MP3 player on typically isn't someone who likes to be disturbed. So, questions such as "What are you listening to?" and "Where did you get that?" are inappropriate and totally unacceptable. I bought mine specifically so you wouldn't speak to me and so I'd have my own music. I really don't want to hear that you could never figure out how to work one, or that you like it because it's blue. I bought it because it was cheap, and held more than enough songs to get me through a workout. The music you put in them is entirely up to you. Singing along with the music choice is also not an acceptable practice. If you hear comments such as "I'm recording this so I can play it back for you later and you'll know what a douche bag you sound like," I'm not kidding and neither is anyone else around me. Just remember, MP3 players are not topics of discussion, they're discussion deterrants.

6. Working out - I know it's an amazing concept but that's why gyms were invented. People go, work out, feel better, go home. The really hard core guys typically spend most of their day thinking about what muscle group they're working and some work it for hours. If for some reason you thought that reading a paper was an acceptable practice, you are in the wrong place. They have places for that too...called coffee houses. You do not go to the gym to read the paper. If you're reading the paper between your sets of bench, or on the preacher curl machine, you're just taking up space and you need to leave. The same goes for magazines. Some people can do it while on a treadmill and my hat is off to you if that's the case, but don't come to lift weights with a newspaper or magazine in hand. If it's that good or that important, don't come to the gym. Read your shit and come in some other time when you're less distracted.

Cell phones are another big no no. I think I've taken my cell phone in to the gym two times in the 10 years I've been attending one and both times I had good reason. It is completely unacceptable to try to complete your workout while talking on one. If you can workout and not get short of breath to where the person you're talking to doesn't know you're working out, you're again in the wrong place. No, they did not make wireless headsets so you don't have to switch hands.

Also, while working out you'll find a variety of different machines and weights and racks for arms, legs, back, chest, and anything else you can work. You should really use these machines as they were intended. Doing curls on the squat rack makes you look dumb. Do squats on the squat rack or use one of the 17 other arm machines you have at your disposal.

As far as what programs you follow, there are tons of websites and fitness magazines out there with pointers. My personal favorite is the Arnold Scwarzenegger body building dictionary. It's by far got the best information from anything I've ever bought. And come's Arnold...the very definition of awesomeness. You should also never question someone else's form or routine. Unless of course you see them using a chest press macine to work their legs on. Even then, it's really up to them. As Henry Rollins wrote in The Iron, The Iron will teach you many lessons. There are days when I couldn't lift a fork because I tried to lift too much. Just remember, the Iron can be a great teacher and a good friend to you but you have to show it the respect it deserves. Doing otherwise will put you on the strict cardio program that I am currently on. As a side note, working out with your wife or significant other is prohibited. It's great that you guys both joined, you can even ride together. Working out together doesn't benefit either one of you.

7. Diet & Supplementation - If you so choose to take supplements of whatever kind, this should not be public knowledge. Walking up to a stranger at the water fountain and saying "Hey man, I'm on DynaBall, you want some?" Odds are you aren't really on any form of steroid other than prednizone. For those that don't know it's a catabolic roid used to reduce swelling, anabolic roids are what the really big guys use. Judging by your size, someone is either giving you aspirin or shooting 30w motor oil in your arm. Either way, unless you look like Arnold in his prime anything you ingest to make gains in size and strength should only be shared with your friends. And if you follow the other rules you won't be talking about this at the gym anyway.

Dieting is a given. Do you think Arnold looked like he did just because he shot up with roids? Do you think Bill Phillips is one of the healthiest men in America because he has no will power? No. Ask any athlete, fitness model or otherwise and they'll tell you that diet is part of it. If you think you can do it without dieting, look at yourself in a year and if you look different I will eat the computer I'm typing this on. Chances are this computer will be fine and you'll look exactly the same. Don't believe me? Where were you this time last year? Exactly. Put down the nachos and twinkies and make an effort to eat a little healthier. One day you'll thank me.

"Hybrid" diets are also dumb. You follow a diet plan, or a lifestyle change as Bill Phillips calls it, and that's it. Don't take part of this diet, part of this diet, and a few desserts and think it's going to work. If you do, my bet on eating this computer is still good, but notice this computer is not trembling even a little bit because it knows it's safe. If you want my advice, go buy a copy of Mr. Phillips Eating For Life cookbook. Most of that stuff is good, good for you, and his plan is not hard to follow. If you don't believe me, follow his diet advice. He is after all the modern day Arnold. Not quite the new version of awesomeness, but damn close.

8. Women - If you're a guy you've probably noticed the counter ho, her equally hot friends, and random other women around the gym. Believe it or not, women like to be in shape too. They are not however at this gym for you to stare at them or for you to tell your friends you want to bang shit out of them. Sure, they're hot, but you must refer back to the second rule. She's not going to sleep with you and no mix of words is going to change that for you. If you feel the need to mock fat chics, please let me kick you in the groin. Overweight men and women at a gym are making an effort so mocking them is out of the question. If you see them sitting at the gym eating ice cream and twinkies while their friends work out, by all means ridicule them. Also if you see fat people staring at the in shape crowd saying "I could do that," or "I could look like that if I tried," make a bet with them. Your money is safe. Then proceed to mock them until they cry.

As a note to women, if you come to a gym fishing for compliments, or spend more time fixing your hair and make-up than you do actually working out all bets are off. If some roid user starts grabbing his crotch and pointing at you (yes, sadly I've seen that) and saying things you never wanted to know someone thought about you, it's your own fault. Sure, you look pretty. But you'd look pretty not taking up space and iron that someone else could be using too.

9. ILS - better known as Imaginary Lat Syndrome. This really doesn't impress anyone. If you run in to people because you've flared your arms out trying to pretend your lats are that big, I hate you. Don't be suprised if I take my earphones out to mock you. I tried ignoring this syndrome for a while but lately it's been bad. If I can honestly say that my lats are bigger than yours and I'm in better shape than suck. Last time I was lifting weights I got ran in to by a fat tub of shit with ILS. He made it a point to run in to me and the guy nearest to me (also wearing headphones) so I made it a point to mock him. Saying things like "Do you have an armpit fungus that's making you flare your arms out like that or is this some sort of shoulder exercise?" will make someones arms return to their normal position so fast it's funny to watch. I know, I could have been nicer to the guy but you don't make it a point to run in to two people who are working out so you can look at yourself in the mirror when there is a wide open space of mirrors. If you're less impressive looking than I am, you really don't need to be posing. You need to be wearing as much clothing as possible and working out as hard as you can.

10. Spotting - I do unfortunately workout alone now so occassionally I have to ask for a spot. I have no problem with you doing the same. I do have a problem with you asking me for a spot, then explaining how this is your last set, and it's heavy. Chances are when I was in college I lifted just as much if not more. That's why I have shoulder problems. Telling me that 225 is hard and I should keep working at it is going to get a 225lb barbell dropped on your chest. Remember that I'm there to keep something heavy from collapsing your chest. This should be quick and simple. I live by the phrase "Study Long, Study Wrong." This of course does not apply to school work. Just here. If you have to think about pressing 225 (or any weight for that matter) for more than five or six seconds, it's too heavy and you've already talked yourself out of it. A spotter for all intents and purposes is an emergency brake. It's good to have, but only needed when something really bad is about to happen. I've dropped bars on my chest and had eyes turn bloodshot red from the force that instantly falls on you, and it hurts. It hurts bad, and hurts for days. It was nice at the time when people said "What happened to your eyes?" to say "I dropped a barbell on my chest that was 365lbs." Yes, it really did hurt that bad, but I had a spotter to pull it off of me. In short, ask for a spot. I might even encourage if you don't lecture me about something stupid, but you don't want to piss me off because I will surely leave that on your chest for long enough to make sure it hurts. You can even be nice and offer. Mike and I offered a guy a spot once when we worked out together and he said " guys just keep at it. One day you might be able to get these 90's up like I can and I'll spot you." Out of pure spite, Mike and I did the 110's and didn't spot each other. For those not at the gym, that's individual dumbells per hand. He he should have.

11. Leaving - should be just that. You get done you leave. Do not stop to hit on the counter ho again on your way out. Chances are the other 50,000 people that don't adhere to these simple guidlines have already annoyed her. Do not take this as an opportunity to try again. If you've gotten a good workout in, chances are you don't smell that great. When approaching the counter, grab your keys, knod to her if she looks at you first, and leave. I can still see her thong sticking out, but it's not an invitation. Just leave. You're not Mike and she's still not going to sleep with you. Don't walk around three or four times to tell people you're leaving. You're just interrupting their progress. Just leave, no one cares if you're done and you have somewhere to be. If it's that important, go be there and don't ask the counter ho to go with you because she's working and likely won't meet up with you later. If she says yes it's to make you leave. So please, by all means leave.

I know my rules are harsh, but I think they're plenty fair. Following these will make the gym a much more productive and much more happy place. Failure to adhere to these rules will make you a less likeable and less tolerable person...and nobody wants that right?