Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The Smart Test

So lately I've been wondering about a lot of the people that come in here at work. I have to wonder if they know they're stupid or not, because some days you just have to wonder what is going on in their little heads. Ever hear the expression "the wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead?" If the wheel was spinning, that would be a big improvement for a lot of these folks. Lucky for you, in our spare time, Mike and I developed a test. Ten questions that will help you determine if you are okay or if you're eligible for government funding because you're legally retarded.

1. What do you consider a good source of news?
A. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and the Colbert Report
C. Fox News

2. What type of television show do you find most entertaining?
A. Reality TV
B. Sitcoms
C. Educational Content (i.e. History/Discovery Channel)
D. Talk Shows
E. Game Shows

3. When you read the paper, do you enjoy looking at the divorce or bankruptcy section for a source of gossip?
A. Yes
B. No
C. What's a newspaper? Is that the thing that Paris Hilton is always on the cover of?

4. When reading a good book, does it involve any of the following:
A. Colors
B. Pictures
C. talking animals(we aren't talking George Orwell here)
D. No. I read to stimulate my mind.

5. Do you think you:
A. Know everything
B. Have a lot to learn
C. Are constantly learning
D. No idea here

6. Lindsey Lohan is:
A. Too Skinny
B. Too Fat
C. Just right - Crack whore is IN!
D. Who gives a fuck?
E. Damn she used to be so hot

7. The Matrix is:
A. Quite possibly the greatest movie ever made
B. Some weird science fiction movie some guy I used to date made me watch
C. Isn't it that new Toyota?
D. That movie was AWESOME...SO, LIKE, what was it about?

8. What is this?
A. I forgot
B. A Test of the emergency broadcast system
D. A test to determine if one of my brain cells is fighting the other...they do get kinda lonely.
E. Unfortunately no one can tell you what it is. You have to see it for your self.

9. Muscle Cars are:
A. Bitchin!
B. Those stupid things my boyfriend makes me go see at car shows
C. Extravagant, wasteful of gas, and bad for the environment, but a perfect place for hot girls to pose in skimpy clothes
d. All cars are for is to get you to work. Who needs an engine that big?

10. France is located where?
A. Underneath the white flag
B. Who gives a shit?
C. Oooh! That's where Paris is. I wanna go!!!
D: Probably somewhere near where all those fucking french people are.
E: Right where that awful smell of rotting cheese is coming from
F: Within marching distance of Berlin
G: No idea...but I'm sure we'll be back there soon enough

Answers -

1. A, B, and C are all acceptable answers. You get 15 points for A, 12 points for B, and 10 points for C. If you answer D, not only do you lose 15,000,000 points we hate you.

2. Everything but A earns you 15 points. If you answer A, you lose 15,000,000 points and I hate you even more.

3. B is the correct answer. A or C should literally get you beaten by a band of Czech kids demanding bubble gum. 10 points if you answer B, 10 more if you know what movie I'm referencing. A, and C lose you 15,000,000 more points

4. We'll accept D. Give yourself 15 points. Everything else is acceptable if you're under the age of 12. If you are over 12 and answered anything but D, take the total of your overall score and and subtract it from itself again.

5. If you need me to tell you the correct answer on this one, I'm actually surprised that you figured out the internet long enough to read this test.

6. Yes, she used to be hot, and now she's a crack ho. Actually knowing that people will get this wrong makes me sad. If you answer anything but D or E, you lose 50 points.

7. A. A is the only answer that is correct. The rest of them aren't even close, and if you answered D, stop taking this test now and go away. Never return again. I can't even deduct enough points to show you my disapproval.

8. Correct Answers are C&E. Give yourself 20 points a piece for getting that right. Give yourself another 10 if you know what E is talking about. Anything else loses you 20,000 points.

9. A and C will gain you 200 points each. If you answered anything else, take your score, multiply it by three, then subtract it from itself seventeen times.

10. If you answer C, you have problems. Subtract 100,000,000,000,000,000 points from your score. Everything else gains you 100 points.

Let's add up the scores shall we? If you managed anything on the plus side, you get to live. If your score was anything below zero, please contact me because I have a friend that's a social worker and we need to get you on her case load as soon as humanly possible.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

!#@$*&! DOCTORS!!!

I've probably posted about this before, but I have some sort of neck problem. I have since my Freshman year of college. I have no idea what it is, or why it happens. No doctor, or chiropractor has been able to tell me what causes it or how to fix it. Basically, what it happens is that something in my neck will pop. I don't have to be doing anything in particular, I just have to be alive and it pops. Then my neck goes in to these insane muscle spasms and freezes. Doesn't sound bad you say? It freezes up so tight that any movement is painful. It's been bad enough that chewing something hurts, and other times it's only bad enough that it feels like a strained muscle. It's annoying more than anything. Having to have someone drive you to work because you can't turn your head is a bit ridiculous to me, but I guess you just take it and roll. I've been to the doctor, the chiropractor, and this week I attempted a physical therapist. Our lovely insurance scheme...I mean plan...makes sure we go see a general practitioner before we go get any other treatments of any kind. I've been to this doctor (I think I blogged about firing the last one, so this is a different one) before about it and he gave me some muscle relaxers that put me in a foul mood but make pretty much everything not hurt. I get very spaced out on them sometimes, but they work. Me personally, I think there should be a better solution than pills. I'm not involved in any pharmaceutical conspiracies or what not, I just don't think any time something is wrong with you, you take a pill and get all better. There has to be a way to prevent, a way to overcome. Right? Am I the only one that thinks this way? Apparently. My doctor suggested surgery as the best fix, and offered me a double arm load of muscle relaxers again. What he really wanted I'll have no part of. He suggested cortisone shots as instantaneous relief. Call me crazy, but I think sticking a needle in a place where joints are having severe spasms is just bad news.

Anyway, so I asked this time if he'd consider some physical therapy. He said "well, that will work. The only people I've ever known that cured themselves of this type problem went to PT." Genius! Why the hell didn't someone suggest that years ago? I would have happily signed up back in college while I was on the bitchin insurance my parents had. There are two physical therapy places right near our house. One of them is good, the other one is the worst place on the face of the earth. I'm not sure what kind of kickbacks they give to doctors for their referral to this place, but it must be good. He gives me a referral to the good one because I ask him to. Guess what? The good one isn't covered under my insurance but all I have to do is get the doctor to sign off on this form and the insurance company will cover it. This ass face refuses. He has one of his nitwit receptionists call and tell me he won't sign, and won't tell me why. So I ask said stupid bitch "What's the deal?" Her response? "He said you can go where you're covered or pay out of pocket." Wow. Me going to this sorry ass physical therapist means that much to him? Really? Could it be a scam? Of course it is. Any time insurance and doctors are involved, it's likely a scam. I personally believe that there is a special place in hell for insurance companies. I bet they have a nice table next to the scientologists. I could rant and go on about insurance companies and how they're raping us, or I could tell you how I think Michael Moore's documentary might change something, but it won't. We all get to roll over and take it like a crack whores bitch. Michael Moore I guess thinks he's making a difference, but he's really just eating more hot dogs and making an ass of himself. Were he not a complete waste of valuable air, I imagine he could make a difference.

I know what you're all thinking. I probably ranted and raved, and told this doctor to shove it in his ass. Actually, I did not. I stayed cool, thanked them for the call back, and told them I would look at all my other options and go from there. Probably what I will do is call one of the local news stations and get them to investigate exactly how much of a bonus this doctor gets from referring patients to the biggest scam of a PT place in three states. But at the end of the day my neck will still frickin hurt, and I'll go back next time to the offer of a cortisone shot and horse tranquilizers and he'll go home thinking he did his job.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Week Long Review

It's been over a week since my last post and I'm sure you're dying to know what's been going on. Well, not much really. But at the same time quite a bit.

First off Fourth of July was awesome. We had a bitchin pancake breakfast with the rumrunners, and shortly thereafer I left with to go see Transformers with Mike. I think every year since I can remember I went to see a flic on the fourth with Dad or with someone...except for last year...we were in Austin with my brother-in-law. In short, Transformers was a damn good flic. Well worth the price of admission, and they've already committed to two sequels. Why not? Everyone wants to see giant robots blow shit up and hot chics save the world right? Right. So, after the movie we grilled brats boiled in Guiness, and drank some rum. Then went over to my brother-in-laws new house and drank some more with our rumrunning homeys in tow. We met some of his very interesting friends and had a good time. One of his friends got way drunk and informed my hot wife that if she was single he wanted to start dating her. In his drunken stupor he asked my permission on this as well. Around 11 we came home and finished off a bottle and a half of rum. I could go in to all the details of everything that happened, but the blog would be six pages long and no one would want to read it. In short, this Fourth of July was Legen...wait for it...and I hope you're not lactose it comes...dary! I even made sure to hug a soldier and thank him for the freedoms we all enjoy.

The rest of the week harbored a computer crash at work for me that I still haven't recovered from, and of course more work. Yesterday morning we took the puppy to the vet for his 12 week check up and he's fine. Tumber is up to 16.4lbs so he's growing by about two pounds per week. So for your weekend enjoyment, here are the latest pictures taken by yours truly.

On the deck.

He can get up the stairs, but hasn't mastered the getting down part yet. So he just sits there looking pitiful until you take him back down to the yard to play.

That's it for now. The Indy Car pre-race show starts in sixteen minutes and I'm going to go catch all the action from Watkins Glen. Hope everyone else had a great weekend.