What happens when you run out of milk?

So, I went to pour myself a bowl of Peanut Butter Toast Crunch the other morning and found that we had no milk. It would seem that my daily post-workout protein shake has depleted the milk supply. I know you're all thinking "Make them with water, they taste the same." No they don't. Protien shakes very seldomly taste good with water. Anyway, I was searching the house for a good milk substitute, besides water. I finally came to the conclusion that we had nothing. I was really wanting this Peanut Butter Toast Crunch. I was almost to the point of using Kalua, but we only had a sample bottle, Tequila and Peanut butter very seldom go together, and Jack Daniels (while a good cough medicine) is not a good way to start out the day. So while I was considering all of these things, I asked myself - What kind of wine goes with Peanut Butter Toast Crunch? I couldn't find one of those either so I gave up. It was early, and I was tired.

Root Beer Dum Dums, and Garbage Cans

I was walking through the office yesterday and I spotted a basket of Dum Dums. For a minute there I was in my kindergarten class hoping with every fiber of my being that there was a Root Beer flavored pop. I was drawn to this basket on someone elses desk like a moth to the flame. I had no choice. Sure enough, there was a Root Beer flavored on in there so I snagged it. I was thinking to myself "No one has seen me. This one's all mine!" It tasted every bit as good as it did when I was a kid. I was reminded of all the days we fought over who got the root beer dum dum, and who didn't. I ventured back up to my office with my new found candy and passed a co-worker. He stopped and said "What's that?" I proudly said "A Root Beer Dum Dum. I haven't had one since I was a kid." I could tell, he was enthralled as if I'd found the holy grail so I said "They're in the basket on Linda's desk." He too sprinted down to the basket and dug through until he found one. We probably should have been working, but we sat on the steps enjoying our Root Beer Dum Dums like we did when we were kids. Aahh, memories.

Well, my random thought of the day relates to a problem my sister has been having. Someone's thrown a garbage can in her yard that doesn't belong to her. It's clearly not her can, but the owner seems to be refusing to come and get it. So, the random thought of the day is this. Can you throw away a garbage can? No. I don't think you can. I think as soon as you throw it away, someone brings it back to you with a "Here you go, I found your garbage can."

I now fully understand the term "Bored to Tears."

So, we're getting a new software system here at work. It's going to make ordering and working a whole lot easier on everyone from the sales floor to the accounting floor. The only problem is we all have to do three days of training on it and it is more boring than Freshman Seminar - I promise you.

So picture this, it starts out easy. The only real pre-requisite is knowing how to use a mouse. I'm assuming everyone that is reading this blog knows how to use a mouse so picture a training CD-ROM that repeatedly tells you to left click on everything, and shows you where the left click button is on the mouse. This is mind numbing. The only thing worse is the lady they have on this video teaching the class. She looks like a large mouth bass with a mullet. I'm not making that up, that's a pretty accurate description. I could be considered really evil for making fun of someone like that as she is overweight and grossly unattractive, but seriously - why put her on the training video? All she's doing is reading cue cards like a first grader. Hire Pamela Anderson to read those cue cards, I assure you this group would be way more receptive to that. I would be less inclined to go to sleep. It's not that I have a thing for Pamela Anderson as she's living proof that beauty is only skin deep, but give me something that I can stand to look at for eight hours a day. I think for as much money we paid for this software, they can make it less boring. After the first 30 minute leg of disc one, I had to get up and walk around. I just couldn't take it anymore. My eyes were watering it was so bad, so I know fully understand the term bored to tears.

My random thought for the day. I wonder if an Elvis impersonator could ever get so famous that someone who looked like him could become a celebrity lookalike. Is there room in this culure for an Elvis-impersonator lookalike? Probably.

Ever Wonder?

Here are some things I've been wondering about...

Surfing through Columbia House DVD's under $10 today. Have you ever wondered why you've only heard of two of the movies out of the 10,000 that are there? Have you ever wondered what happens to these movies that they make and no one sees? The under $10 section even had a "coming soon" section. It's like they know no one is going to pay for this movie so they pre-order it at $4.95.

Every wonder why people go to the gym just to use towels? My workout partner and I were going to hit the sauna after the workout, but there were no towels. We figured it was late to how bad could it be? We'd just walk in and sit for a few. Well, we see a 200 year old naked man with a towel over each arm, a towel around his neck, a towel over his head, a towel over each leg, and a towel for his walkman to sit on. Do you need that many towels? If you're going to take all of those towels, wouldn't it be wise to cover your midsection? Don't you think the rest of us would appreciate it?

Ever wonder why people get a gym membership to not work out? We have old men that just come to the gym to use towels and not work out. What's the point? It's like the Sports Barn here. They have a bar so when people don't feel like working out they can have a beer or two. Doesn't this defeat the purpose? I do drink occasionally, but something about having a beer after we work out is weird.

Do you ever wonder if people think about what they say before they say it, or if it just comes out wrong? We get some of the dumbest questions and comments here and some days I have to wonder - did they think about that before they said it? Or worse yet - did they think about it and it seemed like a good idea?

Some days, you just have to wonder.

One Brave Thing

This one was just too good not to post...

This should be Friday.

I say this, not because today is a good day, but today feels like it should be Friday. This week feels so long and it's only half over. It probably wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel like poking my eyes out rather than working.

We were supposed to go see a Mariachi band tonight with some friends, but they got sick so we're not doing that. Being sick sucks. I got over a cold just before we went on vacation and I assure you nothing makes me less fun to be around than having a cold.

Work today is the usual crap. Too much to do, too little time, no overtime allowed because "it isn't justifiable." Nice. People seem to get more and more stupid as the day goes on. I gave a guy specific instructions on how to measure something yesterday so he said "I'll have my personal mechanic look at it for me to be sure we get it right." I need to meet some of these personal mechanics. I've talked to guys like this that don't know how to change a tire but are giving people advice on how to restore a car. Seriously. That'd be like me telling Emeril how to cook. Don't get me wrong, I know how to cook a few dishes, but I'm no Emeril. This guy gets mad and has his mechanic call me. I finally asked "How many times have you done this?" His response was the usual "been doin it my whole life boy - who do you think you are to tell me how to do thangs differnt now?" This is a simple cut and dry procedure. It's not that he wasn't doing it my way, or the company way. This method was in place years before we were ever even in business. So I said "well, you've been doing this wrong your whole life if that's the case. There is no middle ground with this, it either fits or doesn't and you can't force it on there if it doesn't fit." Then he understands and says he always thought everyone else was wrong. Seriously - that many people throughout your whole life can't be wrong. If you think they have been, you've just got a mental problem that no one can solve.

Tonight might just be a straight Tequila night before it's all over. Two hours to go here at work and we're so busy I can't see anything on my desk but papers. Oh how I wish this was Friday.

Gym Advice

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I've started working out again. I weighed in at 235 so the goal is to be down to 200 around my birthday. For some reason I can't get below 225, but we'll see what happens. Anyway, I'm working out using lighter weights, higher reps, doing cardio and I pretty much feel useless because I don't like lifting light weights.

I used to have a personal trainer that I worked out with for three or four years. I don't know everything, but I know my way around a gym floor. I'm not one of those guys that pretends I know everything and passes out advice to every person that walks by. Well, I met one of those guys yesterday. I don't know how many of you work out, but typically the guys that do this are fat and have no definition in any part of their body. I was doing curls today and a guy walks up and starts telling me what to do. I hate when people talk to me while I'm working. Wait until I set the damn thing down if you have something to say. So he starts correcting me and I'm immediately thinking "What the hell is this about?" I wasn't doing anything wrong, or cheating so what he was telling me to do was insane. I said "Thanks man," thinking that would make him go away. Somehow it only encouraged him. So he decides to stick around (I do have a workout partner and I had no idea who this guy was) and give more advice. Finally I just said "Hey man, I just got out of physical therapy for a torn bicep. This is what they told me to do so I don't tear it again." Then he starts telling me how I tore my bicep. Just to make sure everyone is with me here, I don't know this guy, he's fat, he's giving me advice, and now he's telling me how I hurt myself. As much as I'd like to say I did it working out, I did it at work when I caught something I shouldn't have. My workout partner isn't near as nice as I am and we were both pretty annoyed. I finally had to ask the guy to go away. I didn't want to be rude since it is the Young Mens Christian Association, but he left me no choice. I looked at him and said "Hey thanks man, I hurt this at work. If you don't mind, we'd like to continue here." I really can't stand someone who thinks they're a pro. I wouldn't have given that dude advice unless he was about to drop a bar on his head. He acted like he took offense to me telling him thanks but no thanks. Seriously, if I need help I'm the first person to ask. If I don't ask, that generally means I don't need your advice. I probably would have thought about it a little more had he been a personal trainer, or been in better shape than I am. He was neither.

I guess this just all proves that some people go to the gym to talk, some go to check out women, and some people go to work out. I go to work out. Talk to me when you're an expert and I look like I want you to.

Q-tips, and Circuit City, the most annoying things of the weekend.

Well, this was a somewhat eventful and somewhat uneventful weekend. Our goal was to clean up the basement, but it looks like we've deferred that to another weekend. We didn't accomplish that, but the hot wife did let me go see Elektra with our new friends and it was great. It was so good, she even liked it and she normally does not like comic book movies. If you're interested in it, and you were a big Daredevil fan, it's good - but totally unrelated to Daredevil in any shape form or fashion. It has somewhat of a Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon element about it, but it's all in English so don't worry about the subtitles. For sure worth seeing it if you're in to those kind of movies.

I was looking at our box of Q-tips we keep in the bathroom and was doing the usual post-shower cleaning of the ears. Has anyone else ever noticed that one side of the Q-tip isn't spun correctly and always comes apart in your ear? This drives me nuts. It's like I'm supposed to choose which ear is my favorite, or waste two Q-tips. What idiot makes these things? Is there a place where one can go to return non-compliant Q-tips? Probably not.

While we're on things that get on my nerves. The Hot Wife finally let me get a Home Theater system a few weeks ago. It rocks, and I'm sending our old one down to Jeff and Mary (I promise, it's coming soon) for them to use. Well, Circuit City has this great guarantee. If they put something on sale within 30 days of purchase, you get 100 percent of the difference back. Well, it seems that they forgot to mention that it doesn't count if they put it on sale online. I printed out a sheet this past weekend and they said "Oh, well. That offer does not apply to prices posted on the web." If you read the agreement behind them printed on the wall in bold letters, it says nothing of the sort. Later today I'm sending Circuit City a nasty e-mail to let them know what I think of their ass backwards policy. I don't imagine I'll get much satisfaction out of it, but it's worth a shot.

I think I am, therefore I am...I think.

So I started working out again today. I haven't worked out since I tore my bicep back in November. My New Year's resolution was to drop 50lbs by my birthday. I'm way heavier than I need to be so I'm eating less and exercising - hopefully a lot more. I didn't realize how bad out of shape I was until I hung up the punching bag the in-laws loaned me the other day. Talk about rough. Beating on that thing for 15 minutes nearly put me in a coma. The worst part was I had to walk up the stairs in to the house before I could collapse. That sucked. The problem with me, like any other guy, is that we all think we're in much better shape than we really are. You can ask any guy, no matter how much of a three toed sloth he is and he'll tell you he's three or four situps away from being in a hot tub with Cindy Crawford naked. I guess it was a realization for me because I used to be in awesome shape. When I was in college I did the EAS shape up challenge and got down to 175 with a seven percent body fat. You could see every vein in my chest and arms and I could run all day long. Now I can't see my feet most days and walking up stairs is a challenge. Okay, it's not that bad, but there is more of me than there used to be in a bad way.

So, now that my arm is healed I'm back in business and hopefully before April I'll be back down to a weight where all of my clothes will fit. That's the goal - below 200lbs by April. I think the hot wife is even in on it with me as she's buying healthier food and having dinner ready earlier. Now all I have to do is whip up on the punching bag and do a few situps and I'll be doing alright.

I worked out this morning and I'm already starting to go numb. My new workout partner has a goal to bench press 315lbs by summer. He did 260 today so I think that's attainable for him. If all goes well, I might be able to do that by summer as well, but we'll see. The primary goal is still lose weight.

In other news...Happy Birthday to Jennifer, and Anya!

Product Review

One of the things I got for Christmas was a Mr. Clean AutoDry Car Wash Kit I've always liked cleaning my car as I used to do it religiously in high school and college. Somehow owning a Jeep takes the fun out of it. No matter how clean it is, it's still a Jeep. Well, being in the auto industry any time we attend a trade show people heap free samples on you of waxes, washes, polishes, cleaners, and protectants. Most of them are junk and I have a cabinet full of stuff I'll never use all of at home. Every now and then I find something that I really like, but it's pretty seldom that I do.

So, my crazy Aunt and Uncle got me the Mr. Clean deal. I was skeptical about it so I never bought one myself. Believe it or not, sometimes the household cleaner companies make better car cleaners than any one of the things you'll find on the aisle at Pep Boys. Kiwi, the shoe polish people, used to have an awesome interior protectant that I bought so much of I can't believe they stopped making it. At any rate - Mr. Clean stands up pretty well compared to other car washes. It's nice because you don't have to have a bucket and you've got just the right amount of soap to do the average sized car. My wifes car is black, so this was pretty much the ultimate test. If it can clean black and make it look good - it works. The only real drawback to it is that the dispenser that attaches to the hose is plastic. That makes me feel like I can't drop it because it will bust. Outside of that, I have no complaints. You really don't have to dry the car, it honestly does dry spotless. Probably the coolest feature on it is the Pur water filter on it so if you have water with lots of funk in it, it doesn't affect the drying time, or the wash you've just done.

Nothing exciting in the world of work today. Elektra comes out this weekend and hopefully I'll get to go see it. It is the hot wifes birthday on Wednesday so I'll probably have to wait which is okay. Maybe I'll take the day off work and see a matinee this Friday, but we'll see.

Enjoy your Tuesday!

It's baaaack...

Finally, my new car is unveiled...

http://www.dodge.com/autoshow/charger/index.html

And for the dreamer in me....

http://www.autoweek.com/news.cms?newsId=101576

I should really start playing the lottery.

Explain this to me...

Okay, someone explain this to me. Why is it that you need a license to drive, but not to procreate? There are people that doctors should look at before they procreate and say "Maybe you shoud think twice here guys." We were behind four of the dumbest people I have ever seen in my life at Lowes the other day. We went down two aisles and of course they had them both blocked - seeing as there were four of them, and they were stupid. They're the people you pass by and think "Man, I wonder if they know they're that annoying." The answer is no. They have no clue. Well, we bought some tools, and you have to go through the special tool checkout line that these for ignoramooses had taken over. They were buying a lot of stuff, and were arguing with the 80 year old woman behind the counter that this coupling should be $2.00 instead of $2.50. Seriously people, questioning the price is fine. Ruining some nice old lady's day over 50 cents just hardly seems worth it. We stood in line because we had tools and technically we're supposed to check out at the tool line. After 10 minutes, these people were still arguing the 50 cents. I'd had enough, and I had the wife with me so telling them that I'd pay the 50 cents if they'd leave and never come back wasn't an option. So, I said very loudly "Okay Honey, I've had enough. These have got to be the four stupidest people on the planet. Let's move to another line that they haven't taken over yet." We get to the other line and I guess the girl could sense that I was upset because she didn't say much, and looked down the whole time. When we checked out - finally - those people were still arguing over 50 cents with this poor old woman. Good Lord people! It's 50 cents! That was when I started to yell at them, but they were too enthralled with this woman trying to take 50 cents from them to notice.

People like this should not be allowed out in public. If you can't put the coupling in the bag like they ask you to and write the item number on it, you're probably too stupid to use it anyway. The 50 cents was probably a minimal charge for the lady to have to put up with you.

The good news is, we got our Lawnmower this weekend from Sears so I'm excited. I never thought Home Improvements and Lawnmoers would be things I'd get excited about but here I am growing old. I also got my Surround Sound put up this weekend that we bought from Circuit City. Car Chases, explosions, and gun fights have an entirely new sound now. Now, I can shake the windows on my neighbors house with great force. I guess it's back to work for now. Have a good Monday.

So I'm "randomly" selected it seems....

Chastity requested I take the quiz. The good answers have already been taken so I'm making up something that sounds good.

3 names you go by: Patrick, Patman, Crash

3 screen names you have: Showstoppa72, MoatesGarage, PatrickM

3 things you like about yourself: honest, outgoing, fun to be around

3 things you hate/dislike about yourself: overweight, short tempered, sometimes lazy

3 parts of your heritage: Some form of Indian, Irish, and maybe even English - might make for a really interesting home brewed beer one day

3 things that scare you: snakes, Hillary Clinton, 18 wheelers

3 of your everyday essentials: water, the hot wife, orange juice

3 things you're wearing right now: shorts, Ryan Newman T-shirt, Christmas Boxer shorts (I'm sure everyone wanted to know that one too)

3 of your favorite bands/artists: Harry Connick Jr., Marilyn Manson, Garth Brooks

3 of your favorite songs at present: Shake your Tail Feather from the Bad Boys II soundtrack, All Along the Watchtower live by Dave Matthews, and Vertigo by U2

3 new things you want to try in the next 12 months: starting my own business, getting cable, building a car with my dad

3 things you want in a relationship (love is a given): Honesty, friendship, trust

2 truths and a lie:(no particular order to keep ya guessing)
I'm married, I'm a secret government agent, I'm a lesbian trapped in a mans body

3 physical things about a love interest that appeal: dark hair, light eyes, nice figure

3 things you just can't do without: the hot wife, family and friends, religion

3 of your favorite hobbies: Cars, movies, home improvements

3 things you want to do really badly right now: go back to see Jeff and Mary, win the lottery, start my own business

3 careers you're considering (let's say I would consider): automotive mechanic, government spy, teacher

3 places you want to go on vacation: Jeff and Mary's, Jamaica, New York

3 kids names (either boy or girl): Bobby, Patrick, Robin

3 things you want to do before you die: Take a lap at speed on a Nascar Superspeedway, bungee jump, sky dive

3 people who have to take this quiz now:
The Hot Wife, Jefe, Instanity Infusion

The F-word

Have you ever noticed that of all the words in the English Language that start with the letter F, there is only one referred to as THE F Word? I've never known why that is, or what makes someone call a place and drop the F-bomb. Honestly, I think people just use this when they can't think of something intelligent to use.

I get a call from this guy the other day wanting to exchange something. His first words were "I buy from you all the time, and I'm a member of 17 different clubs so listen up." As is answering with the words "How can I help you?" means I'm going to do anything but listen. So, basically he broke whatever it was he bought and it was his error not ours. I would have known that when we got it back, but he was trying to pull one over on us and slipped. So, when we've both decided it's his fault, he says "Well, if you don't replace it, I'm going to tell all 17 of my clubs not to buy from you ever again." That's when the F-bombs started dropping. I guess he thought he'd get his way if he cussed enough. I even offered him a discount on a replacement because he'd broken it. That just wasn't good enough. He wanted us to pay for his mistake and was going to yell until he got his way. Maybe one of the other guys would have caved, but I didn't. So he said "I'm reporting you to the F'in Better Business Bureau, what the F do you think about that?" I lied. I said "Well, this conversation has been recorded so when we get the complaint form we'll be more than happy to play it back for them." If F-bombs could kill, I'd be a dead man now.

Honestly, do people believe if they can't get what they want that swearing at someone on the other end of a telephone is going to help their cause? I know I have a bad temper, but I've never gotten an attitude with someone that didn't bring the 'tude first. If you want someone to help, I don't think an empty threat is going to get you where you need to be. That's my Friday afternoon rant. I'm seriously considering a job where people aren't going to do this. Have a good weekend!

Rainbow Push

Before this post is over, some of you will swear that I'm a hard core racist that keeps a white robe and a clan hat in the back of my Jeep. I assure you I am not. I'm honestly sick to death of Jesse Jackson and his Rainbow Push coalition. Really, all they are is a group of extortionists that want to be on TV. They run around screaming racism at every corner attempting to force diversify anyone they think they can extort money from. Last night we had a story on the news that said our local police office was racist and only promoted white people. Seriously, I thought at first it was a slow news day but I found out they weren't kidding. They interviewed our new police chief (we did recently have one that was black here - but skin color shouldn't matter) and he said "We don't promote based on race, we promote based on merit. Obviously there is nothing I can say to convince some people otherwise, but this is how it is here." Well said my friend. Then, they interviewed two members of the Rainbow Push mafia saying we didn't have enough black police officers because they knew joining the police force was a dead end job that meant no promotions for black people.

Can these people just not find anything better to do? Anytime I hear the word Rainbow Push it makes me want to vomit. The news show also pointed out that 17 of the 19 officers that recently received a promotion were white, and that black officers make up somewhere around 10 percent of our police force. Okay, so if right and 10 percent of our local police officers are black, and around 10 percent of the officers that got a promotion were black, then we're promoting 100 percent all black officers. I'm no math major, but that sounds right to me. If I were black, I would be embarrassed by this Rainbow Push crap. I have never in my life wanted a promotion or any form of merit because of who I knew, or what color I was. I know there are people out there that do, and probably get what they want when they pull the race card, but it's insane.

Jesse Jackson pulled this same stunt last year with Nascar. He said they needed to donate insane amounts of money to his Rainbow Push extortionists or he'd go public about why there were no black drivers in Nascar and he thought the sport should be more diverse. Honestly, you don't see any black people at a race, so maybe they're just not interested in Nascar. Should we try to force diversify basketball? Should John Stockton pull the race card if he doesn't get a raise? No. If a black guy has the money to run a Nascar team, or the skills to drive, I doubt he will be overlooked by anyone so there is no sense in this madness.

Some days I can't imagine how these racist ass clowns can look themselves in the mirror, or justify that what they do is anything other than old fashioned black mail. I think organizations like this should be immediately crushed as there are far bigger problems in the world than trying to extort money from people who are trying to earn a living. I imagine they said something to our police chief about going public with their story and I hope to God he told them where to stick it. Maybe if these people spent less time looking for people they thought were racist, and more time doing something constructive like working for a living, there would be less supposed racism in the world. If I'm ever in the position to hire someone, and they have Rainbow Push anywhere on their resume, I'll be sure to tell them we don't hire bigots, but thanks for applying. If it gets me fired, I'll be sure to clean out my desk in a white robe with a pointy hat on. Somehow, venting about this stuff makes me feel better.

On a lighter note, here are some of my favorite Oxymorons -

Resident Alien
Silent Alarm
Sports Sedan
Wireless Cable

So...I'm old?

Well, as I mentioned earlier we did some touristy things while down in St. Augustine. We went to the San Sebastian Winery and did the taste test deal. Obviously you have to be 21 to enter, so they card everyone. Everyone except me that is. It wasn't so bad that I didn't get carded, or that everyone else in the group did. What was bad was that the guy greats us, asks if we're here for the tasting, and says, "Okay, I need to see everyone's ID's. Well, except for yours!" while he's pointing to me. I know I'm over 21, and I can't say as I've ever been carded since I was 21, but seriously, do I just look that old? As far as age goes, two people there were older than me and they got carded. I don't know, maybe it's a sign that I'm not aging well.

At any rate, the wine tasting was great. Great enough that we brought some home along with an order form for more when we run out in six months. But seriously, am I just not aging well? Is this a way for everyone to tell me how bad I look in a nice way? I know I need to lose weight, but I don't think that is what's making me look old.

More later...

What a Weekend!

Happy New Year everyone! What better way to ring in the new year than on the beach with your best friend? The invasion of Jeff and Mary was awesome! We left on Friday and made great time. We stopped three times, two for gas and once because we wanted to shop at Priester's Pecans. If you've never been there, it's pretty good if you like pecans and candies. The best part is, we still made it from Chattanooga to Jacksonville in just under seven hours. Jennifer slept most of the way so I put the whip to her pony to see how she would do with the cruise set on 110 mph. Needless to say she did well, and we still averaged about 24mpg's which is awesome.

This was probably the most fun filled weekend we have had in a very long time, and it was a well deserved break from reality for all of us. Jeff and Mary were nice enough to let us spend all four nights with them at their awesome new house. We did most of the touristy things like the Alligator Farm and the outlet malls, and we spent our last day at the beach. It's hard to beat spending your last day on the beach throwing a football. The water was cold so we didn't swim, but you just can't beat spending the first few days of January on the beach in 70 degree weather.

Anyway, we had a great time and we are home. We have to go back to work tomorrow which I'm not very excited about but it's part of growing old. If how you spend New Years is a sign of things to come, this is going to be a fantastic year. I'll update with more later, but wanted to let everyone know that we are home and that Jeff and Mary rule for letting us invade their house for four days. Thanks guys!