Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Next Rest Stop 147 miles, Next Radio Station NOT playing Rascal Flatts 147,000 miles...

So, headed out for my last trip for a while. I've noticed in these travels that rest stops can be few and far between and radio stations that don't suck can be fewer and farther between. These last few days I've worn out the seek button searching for something that doesn't suck, but it seems when I get out of town all I find are commercials and Rascal Flatts. It's not that Rascal Flatts is a bad group, but when you're trying to stay away and all you hear are slow songs - that can get old. Every time I found a station that was playing something good like "It's 5:00 Somewhere," or something you can sing to, they cut instantly in to the same slow and depressing song by Rascal Flatts. Those types of songs I can do without. Last week I was almost dead asleep and finally I found some AC/DC and came in right on the start of Money Talks. I was wired after that.

Sorry, no interesting story from the road this week. I was out of state and found some beer at a gas station that we can't get here so I got a six pack of it. I was welcomed to the counter by a large black woman that said "I ain't meanin to be all up in yo bidness, but how much you be payin fo dat?" It was like $6 and she said "Dats why I can't be drankin...dats too much money for me now cracka. Dats fine if dats whut yus be wantin to do, but I can't even be doin dat." Her friends that were buying wine coolers said "Leave dat white boy alone...don't nobudy care if you be's drankin o not gurl." She winked at me and said "Aiit huney...have yosef a nice day."

Anyway, I'm headed out for now. I should be back to blogger land and back to normal in two weeks. Take care everyone.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

As promised, a good story from the road

So, stories from the road are always fun. Here at work we share good stories and have a good laugh. I shared this one and it got rave reviews. Let's see what you guys think.

I get a ticket to Episode III because I'm a Star Wars dork so I was pumped up and ready to see it. I got a ticket for a 10:40 show and headed to the theater thinking "I'm going to be tired tomorrow." So I got there early and snuck in to an earlier show thinking this was a good idea. The movie was awesome - but that's a different blog at a different time. If you like or don't like Star Wars - this one ties them all together and it's great. I can't wait to see it again - Jeff and Mary be warned.

So anyway, I'm all excited that I saw an earlier show, headed back to the hotel sooner and all of the sudden I get passed by a speeding volkswagen. The girl goes around me and slams in to the car in front of me. So I stop to see if everyone is okay. There is an Asian guy that won't speak English and a blonde girl that's drunk. Any guesses who was at fault? The girl was drunk - way drunk and begged me to not call the cops. So I called the cops because Harry (the Asian Guy) said he was dizzy and his head hurt. The cops show up and realize I'm from out of town because I don't have the same goofy accent that these guys do so they ask me to stay. The girl cries and cries because she can see herself going to jail. The real irony is that right above us on the interstate read "DUI - THE QUICKEST WAY TO LOSE YOUR LICENSE" and had a picture of a guy in jail. It was funny to me. I felt bad for the girl because I could see her leaving in handcuffs but she passed the sobriety test with flying colors. She walked a line and everything so they didn't take her to jail. The girls boyfriend shows up and walks over to me, gets in my face and says "WHO THE F*CK ARE YOU AND WHY THE F*CK ARE YOU HERE???!??" He's doing this while pushing his girlfriend away from me. So I look back and say "I stopped to would be who?" So he says "Oh, I'm Sam." Sam thought he was this girls boyfriend and he was drunk. The cop didn't take too kindly to him yelling at me so he got busted for a DUI. He smarted off to the cop and asked me if I'd help him out and said "can you believe that guy? Going after me? Who does he think he is?" So I said "Well, you did smart off to him. If I was him I would have beat you down with my club and considered shooting you in the head." So off goes the boyfriend and the girl apologizes for him being an ass. The cop says "Young lady, you're very attractive and could do much better than Sam." The girl wasn't that attractive to me, but Sam was a dipshit. I agreed, the girl could do better than Sam because he sucked.

So, the tow truck takes the girls wreck of a car away and the Asian guy refused medical attention because he did not want to go to a hospital. We're all getting ready to leave and the Asian guy decides he's too dizzy to drive. The officer says "You were just cleared by the ambulance people. You're fine." So then he (in his best attempt to not speak English) starts talking about being dizzy and having a hurt head. Then pretends he can't walk straight and starts pretending to throw up. Nothing is coming out of this guy but he's going nuts. The cop shuts him up and puts him in the patrol car and says "Sir, you can go home. This will be a long night for me." I don't typically like cops but these guys that showed up were pretty cool. Anyway, drunk girl invites me to come by the restaurant she works at for a free beer on her next shift the following day and says "I don't know how I passed that sobriety test. I've had four Long Island Tea's, two Captain and Cokes, and a red headed slut, and a shot of Jameson whiskey, but the whiskey wasn't my idea." Nice. We didn't make it in to see her on her next shift, but somehow I think she's okay with that. The officer in charge let me go and I made it to bed at almost 3:00 and had to be back up by 6:00. Honestly, this could only happen to me. I think if I'd seen the later show I would have been better off but that's just me.

Well, I'm out again because I'm invading Jeff and Mary tomorrow but I don't think they know it yet. I hope everyone has a great weekend and I'll update again soon.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Farewell blogger peoples!

Well, I'm going out of town for a while so I won't be able to blog. Hopefully when I return I will have some good stories to share with everyone. It's been a whirlwind week and this weekend should be no different. So, I'm out of here for a while but I will return. Take care everyone!

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

10 Reasons Mary should let Jeff get a Jeep.

So, I've been talking to El Jefe lately and he said he needed my secret to convince his wife to let him have a Jeep. My secret is that I got it when we first started dating and didn't tell her what I was out doing. So, since Jeff is my numero uno - I figured I'd help him out with the Jeep thing. Here are 10 Reasons Mary should let Jeff get a Jeep...

10. Jeeps are cool. Not only are Jeeps cool, they increase your level of coolness. Jeff in a Jeep would be the coolest thing ever. Chics dig Jeeps, kids dig Jeeps, everyone knows Jeeps are cool. Jeeps are so cool they make people happy.

9. YOU LIVE NEAR THE BEACH!! Okay, this one is a given. If you live near the beach you should have a Jeep to throw all of your stuff in and head down for the afternoon. There is no more liberating feeling than hopping in a vehicle with no doors and go somewhere...anywhere.

8. You'd get to drive it...I'm sure. Since gas prices are out the roof and Jeeps get around 18mpg's there is a good chance you'd get to drive it to work on occassion. You would be the envy of your friends at work (not that you aren't already, but this would add to it - I assure you).

7. Jeeps regrow hair! Okay, Jeeps don't really regrow hair but that isn't a problem that either of you need solved right now.

6. No top is liberating. Trust me, driving to work in the summer time with no top and doors makes you forget how much working can suck. Nothing is worse than being confined by a roof on a beautiful day. It's like being in prison.

5. Jeeps can get you out of a jam. Trust me on this one. How many times have you been sitting in traffic going "If I could only hop this curb I could get out of this mess." Or "Man, if I had 4WD we'd be out of here in a jiffy." You can argue that other SUVs have 4WD but their arguements are null and void. Jeep invented and wrote the book on 4WD, nothing else even comes close. When was the last time a CRV or a Rav4 hopped a curb and didn't have to stop to see what part of their car was laying on the sidewalk they'd just tried to hop? Exactly - I've never seen it either.

4. Owning a Jeep gives you new friends. Jeep people take care of their own. When my Jeep was jammed in to a concrete barrier four people in Jeeps that I'd never seen before stopped to ask if I was alright and see how the Jeep was. The person that was next to me that I almost hit got mad that I'd held him up and drove off. The only other person besides my hot wife (then hot fiance) was someone I used to work with. Every other Jeep owner will wave at you because you are in a Jeep. We are a secret society of the coolest people in the world. Don't you think Jeff needs to be among the coolest people in the world?

3. Jeeps are tough. There is a reason the US Postal Service has always used Jeeps. There is also a reason they say "Rain, Sleet, or Snow - the mailman always delivers." The mailman always has a Jeep. Not an Isuzu, Toyota, Honda, Ford or GM. The USPS knows what's up.

2. Jeeps are Reliable. I'm happy to say that at 140,000 miles my jeep uses no oil, leaks no fluids, and has never left me stranded. All of my Jeep friends are the same way. You could argue that other brands are reliable too, but mine has never been in the shop in going on six years now.

The number one reason that Mary should let Jeff get a Jeep is....

1. Jeeps are safe. Don't believe me? I've wrecked mine twice. Once I hit a Suburban and drove away, the other time I was hit by a speeding Volkswagen spun three times and hit a concret barrier wall twice. Not only could I drive away, I was unhurt and wasn't wearing seatbelt. When was the last time someone could step out of a CRV with that claim? Wait! There's more! The Jeep was fixable! The suburban I hit was totalled (yeah, that was my fault) and the VW was too. The Jeep is the only thing I've owned and wrecked that was easily fixed after both wrecks. Again, how many CRV's do you see that have hit anything more substantial than a mail box that aren't on the back of a trailer headed to the crusher? The Jeep was the only vehicle at both wrecks that drove away under it's own power. Hopefully I've made a good enough case for Jeff and Mary will read this with an open mind. If not, I'll probably have to find somewhere else to stay next time I visit the Jeff and Mary area.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Women Want me, Weeds Fear me.

So, I spent the weekend hacking away at these weeds we have in the back yard with my handy extra quiet weed eater string. I don't know what made me get sucha wild hair to take down the rest of these, but it's been an ongoing project that I had a fire about getting finished. Well, I knocked out about another eight feet of weeds, but don't worry I don't have to mow back there because it's too much of a slope. I'll do something with it, just not sure what. Anyway, I cut and raked this thicket for another good four hours, then cut the grass. So about halfway through my merciless slaying of weeds, I get a text message on my phone. I normally leave the phone inside, but the wife was out shopping so I thought I'd keep it close by. The text message reads "Feel like playin dirty again tonight?" I didn't recognize the number but I thought for a second it was my wife messing with me on her moms cell phone so I played along. I respond "Oh yeah, you got a hot friend you wanna bring this time?" I didn't hear anything back so I started up the weedeater and as soon as I did the phone starts going off again. So I open another new text message from the same number "You're not normally in to threesomes, but I can bring someone." I had to laugh because at this point, I'm certain it isn't my wife and my mother-in-law playing a joke on me. So I said "Well, the wife isn't home right now and I need a shower so if you guys want to head on over I'll leave the front door unlocked." Waited a minute, started the weedeater, phone goes off, turn the weedeater off, open the phone to "How long have you been married??" "Almost two years," I respond. A minute later I get "I think I have the wrong number...sorry." So I respond "Thanks for the laugh." I didn't get a response after that but it was pretty funny. I wish I could have seen the look on her face when she found out she'd sent it to the wrong guy.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Stole this from Chas

Welcome back to the blogger world Chas, hope the countdown to summer is almost at an end.

Your Linguistic Profile:

50% General American English

35% Dixie

10% Yankee

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

I've always been told I don't have much of an accent so I guess this makes sense. People always give me this look when I tell them I grew up in Alabama like "You grew up there and you talk like that?" I guess I don't notice, but that's what I hear.

Jeff, this is one you need to take - just curious to see how you score.

My Mom wants Spinners...this is so sad...

So, I was over at Mom and Dad's working on my car the other day. My Mom comes home and walks in to the garage and said "Ooh! I found a new set of wheels I want for my Jeep!" This is an odd statement for my mom because she doesn't think you should change anything on the car ever. So, she starts to describe them to us - "Okay, so I was next to this Cadillac SUV at a stop light and when he stopped, his wheels kept spinning! It was the coolest thing ever! I need some of those for my Jeep, do you think they make them in my size?" We said "Sure, for about $2500 we can get you a set." She was a little depressed but thought that spinners were the coolest thing she'd ever seen.

While I haven't seen too many spinners lately, I think the craze is dying down. I think these 20 - 22" wire wheels are taking over. How do I know this? In this industry I hear people talk about it all the time, but on the way home the other day I see this new Pathfinder with wire wheels and I thought "Man, those things are huge!" I say huge because your average wheel size is 15" or 16". Some performance cars and trucks now come with 17's, but the tire market is moving that way. These wheels were so big, they looked cartoonish so I had to stop and look. Sure enough, they're huge. Huge enough that the guy had a sign in the back window that read (word for word) "26's Biatch!" At least he's proud of his purchase. I'm certain I would be too.

Friday, May 06, 2005


So I walked through the back yard today before I left to workout to see how the newly developed areas were doing. I've been throwing seed down and letting it grow and been working really hard to get stuff to grow here - right? We have a place thats a pretty big eyesore and we've nicknamed it burn pit number two. Yes, we have more than one. This one is at the edge of the back yard and the buffoon that lived there tried to burn mulch and topsoil in this particular spot. Whey they wouldn't put it to good use, I don't know. Anyway, I seeded that place pretty heavy and threw down some spray on fertilizer. On my walk today, I have grass growin in that area! How cool is that? Now I have a renewed confidence so I'm going to bring in some more soil and try to get even more grass this weekend. In more discouraging news I tried a grass transplant this past weekend that doesn't look like it's going to work out. We dug up a place in the yard that really sucked to mow and put in a flower bed. I took the grass since it was still good over to some bare spots we had and I think it's starting to die off on me. Oh well, I guess you can't win them all. I threw some water and seed on it last night so maybe I'll have the same luck there that I'm having everywhere else, but we will see I suppose.

As a random thought today. Someone was walking around wanting to make sure everyone's desk was "Clean as a whistle." I've never understood that. Don't people realize when that a whistle is full of spit? Just a though.

Have a good weekend, and Happy Mothers Day to Jenn (Hooter Mom), Instanity, and Manababies!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

A quiz from Insanity....

Reveal What Is Your Most Embarrassing Moment?

Are you kidding? It's embarrasing - why would I print that here? Well, in first grade we had this horrible teacher that hated kids. She was like 100 years old and I don't know that she liked anyone. If she was reading to us during reading time and someone was bleeding (seriously) she wouldn't let us go see the school nurse until she was done. Not that the school nurse did much for us anyway - but that's a blog I'm sure everyone will find amusing later on. Anyway, one day she got mad at me and refused to let me go use the bathroom. I think I'd been in class for most of the day. It was after lunch, but before school was out and I really had to go. Her hatred for kids got me a seat in isolation at the back of the room when I raised my hand and asked. Well, I had to go really bad, and I mean really bad. After waiting...and waiting...and waiting...I decided I could let a little out here and there. Not realizing this would start something that couldn't be finished - I was shortly in a pool. The teacher wanted to make sure I learned my lesson. The next morning my dad came down to talk to her and said "I'm gonna start taking days off and watching how you teach from outside your windows and I'm not going to tell you which days it will be." She apologized to me in front of the class the next day and for about the next month the principal stopped in to see how we were doing and none of us ever knew why.

What Band/Singer You Would Never Admit Listening to?

Well, my music tastes are so mixed I think I still listen to everyone I used to listen to - except for maybe the New Kids on the Block that my neighbor made me listen to in sixth grade.

What is The Cheesiest Movie You Could Watch Over & Over Again?

Probably serendipity. My wife loves it and I think Kate Beckinsale is hot so that's about as cheesey of a repeat of as I get.

Which Superhero would you be?

The Hulk or Spiderman - or a combination of both.

Which Movie Character Do You Most Identify With?

I’m not sure I have a movie character that I most identify with. I can usually relate to awkward, clumsy, goofy, silly characters.

What Book Would You Recommend?

The one my wife got me for Christmas about the Rookie that was turned in to the Disney movie with Dennis Quaid.

What is the Last Dream you remember?

Strangely it was crashing a car. I was driving my dad's old red truck and trying to get it in a certain spot in the driveway and kept missing. I fell asleep at the wheel and felt the car roll down the driveway - then I woke up.

What is Your Favorite Board Game?

Trivial Pursuit.

What is Your Unusual Talent?

I can bend my forefinger down to touch my wrists - the back side of them. I can also do a back flip, but that's not that unusual.

If you could be any animal, which one would you be and why?

An Eagle because no one can shoot you and you can still fly.

I'll go with Insanity and not tag anyone to do the quiz. It was kinda fun.

Monday, May 02, 2005's settled. I'm a dork.

So, I was looking at my travel schedule here for work and realized a couple of weeks ago that I was going to be out of town for the Episode III premier. I've seen all of these movies with my friends here in town and we've all gone as a big group. They asked the other day if I needed a ticket and I said "Nope, I bought mine out of town." They were shocked. Thanks to I now have my tickets reserved for Episode III in another state 25 miles from where I'm staying. Does this make me a dork? Yes, I think it does. Either way, I'm seeing Episode III on opening day and I'm pumped. If it works out that I end up going to Jeff and Mary's after all - I think we'll go see it again that next week because quite honestly they're dorks too. We're all Star Wars dorks - everyone wants to see this one. This is the movie that ties it all together and I can't wait. 17 days and counting...