Nine things you'll likely never hear

Slow week at work, so here is nine things you'll likely never hear...

9. "Sure, you can get your deposit back." - from the water company
8. "Sorry I cut you off, I honestly just don't know how to drive."
7. "My cell phone reception is great!"
6. "Yee Haw! That was one GREAT bahmitzfah"
5. "In stores now the Marilyn Manson Christmas Album!"
4. "At the White House today, President Kerry..."
3. "Michael Moore died this morning from obesity and someone cared."
2. "Is this going to hurt, Doctor?" "It's going to hurt like hell, just being honest."
1. "On the Cover of Maxim this month - The Clinton Girls."

Sorry, that's as creative as I can be right now.

Customer Service Issues

Okay, part of what I do here at work is Customer Service. This post reminded me of a guy we used to have work here that I'm sure some of our customers hated. As much as I hate to say it, Customer Service isn't rocket science and you don't have to be a genius to do it. When we get new guys here, some times we take bets on how long someone will be here. We had this one guy that we didn't think would last a week. We'll call our guy Nick. A little history on him shows that he has a short fuse - shorter than mine. He'll just yell and carry on for no reason. I like to at least think I have reasons sometimes, and I've never carried on like this guy did. Well, Nick got this guy - a boob - one night that had no idea what he was talking about. So, instead of staying cool, or just agreeing so as to not argue, Nick starts to yell. Then it turns in to a yelling match between him and the guy. Finally, nick slams his headset down, stands up on his desk and yells "I HUNG UP ON THAT DUDE!!! HE WOULDN'T SHUT UP SO I FRICKIN' HUNG UP ON HIM!!!" The guy gets mad and calls back - obviously. So Nick was given a box to pack his personal belongings in when he arrived the next morning. Now he's forever immortalized as the "I HUNG UP ON THAT DUDE" dude. It's a running office joke, I assure you.

We leave for Jeff and Mary's on Friday. We are way excited, and amazingly Jeff is letting us stay at his house after Auburn beat Georgia, and after I forgot his birthday. Four days to go!

Merry Christmas Blogger peoples.....

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope Santa Claus was good to you all. He was certainly good to me and the hot wife. We got lots of things we've been wanting like a grille (for me) a mixer for the wife, and of course what Christmas is complete without socks and underwear.

This Christmas we also got the gift of new friends. We had the pleasure of formally meeting Chastity and J and saw a movie none of us really liked. We had the choice of Closer, or The Forgotten, both of which three out of four of us wanted to see. J didn't care for Closer as it didn't seem to have the plot that The Forgotten was supposed to have. It wasn't that great, but it was a very different role for everyone involved. I won't say much to sway you from or away from seeing the movie, but it is certainly not a conventional role for anyone. I'm still hoping Clive Owen is the next James Bond, but that's a different Blog at a different time. J - you get to pick the movie next time. You certainly can't do any worse than we did.

Anyway, Christmas was great for us. We got great presents, ate lots of food, and made great new friends. Amazing how the internet can bring people together.

I am a terrible friend...

All last week, and all this week. I kept telling Jennifer "I have to call Jeff on his birthday - it's Tuesday." Well, Tuesday came and went and I forgot. I am a terrible friend. So this is a late attempt at still being allowed in their house on New Years, but Happy Birthday to Jeff. I suppose there are worse things I could have done, and probably have, but I always like to remember the birthday of El Jefe. At any rate, while we've all agreed I'm a terrible friend - Happy Birthday to my friend Jeff.

Famous People

We get a few phone calls and orders from famous people here at work. I've mentioned before that Nextel Cup Driver Ryan Newman and his Crew Chief Matt Borland order from me (totally cool), I've spoken with Big Daddy Don Garlitts (a famous drag racer) and some of the guys from ZZ Top sent us their latest CD after we took good care of them. Here recently, I got an internet order from Brian Setzer - as in The Brian Setzer Orchestra. He ordered something wrong so I had to call and verify. They were so ecstatic that I called to help them get it fixed that he sent an autographed picture with a small thank you note. I thought this was cool, so I shared it with Jeff. He's not a big Brian Setzer fan, but he thought it was cool just the same.

This leads in to todays Jeff story. Jeff and I were working at Historic Engel Stadium a few summers ago when Randy Owens of Alabama came in to sing the National Anthem. The game was sold out and he obviously did a great job. Jeff was sortof my boss so he arranged for the two of us to take him dinner. We thought it'd be great to meet him since we were such big country music fans. Well, we get up stairs, he's just staring at the game that hadn't started yet, and we said "Hi Mr. Owens. That was a great National Anthem you did." He looked back at us and said "Uh huh," and turned away. We set his food down and turned to leave when we were greated by his wife. She said "Hi guys! Did you all want an autographed picture of Randy?" Jeff looked back at her and said "What for???" She pretended not to hear that so we gave her our addresses. Six weeks later we both had an autographed picture that we promptly threw away. I remember the call from Jeff when his picture showed up. He said "I think I'm going to go zero in the scope on my air rifle with this one." We talked about this the other day and I'm pretty sure both of us threw away our pictures some time ago. The moral of this story is that no matter how important you are - you are never too good to say Thank you. Any time I've heard Alabama on the radio, or seen that goofy bastard on TV, I've changed the channel. Perhaps I should get over it, but if he didn't have time to say thank you, then I've got no time to fill my life giving any attention to him.

Today is the last day of work until Christmas so I'm excited as all get out. We got paid a Christmas visit from Hooters last night, so it was great to get to see a very pregnant version of Jenn. If I don't get to blog again, Merry Christmas everybody!

COLD

As Jimmy Buffet said - "I gotta go where it's warm." It's cold here, and I hate cold weather. The countdown to Jeff and Mary continues and we're at 10 days. Tomorrow we will be in single digits. I was thinking I'd bring a good Jeff story again today, and I got reminded of one on the way in. Somebody was tailgating me and then attempted to race me down riverfront parkway. I won, in case you were wondering as it was another Jeep. I mentioned in a previous post that Jeff and I drove the same car for a while in high school. Jeff stayed over on more than one occasion and we of course raced to school the next day. I remember one day, I had to take Dad in so we were very well behaved the entire way downtown. Drop Dadman off at TVA and it was on. About halfway there, as I was about to take the lead, the Power Limited light came on in my car and scared the crap out of me. I of course let up and Jeff beat me to school by a few minutes. Normally we ended up there at the same time with smoke pouring out from under the hood and the metal popping like it was overheated (it was). I remember this day because when I got to school, Jeff was sitting on the hood of his car laughing at me and didn't for one minute believe that my light came on. I got mad, and called Dadman at work to tell him. He laughed and said "Yeah, it's been doin that. It's not a big deal. Why do you ask?" Obviously I couldn't tell him the reason, but Jeff had bragging rights for the day. I think his car eventually blew up, and I sold mine to a friend of ours that blew it up. Oddly, both of them happened in cold weather like this.

10 Days and counting until we invade Jeff and Mary. I'm sure this will be the first freak snowstorm that Florida has ever had, but hopefully it will be warmer than it is here.

Christmas time and people show their true colors

We had our usual Monday meeting this morning at 7:30 with our Christmas gift exchange. Well, it's been a tradition to have someone read the Christmas story before we begin just as a reminder that the Christmas season isn't about presents. Usually, people are lining up to read it. Last year, my friend Brian read it. I never knew Brian was religious at all until he read that and actually shed a tear. So today, the boss has the bible in his hand as usual, and went and asked his self proclaimed assistant to read the second chapter of Luke. I heard it and thought "Dang, I was hoping to get to read that this year." So, this ass clown goes "I'm not reading that." We thought he was kidding - who wouldn't want to read the real Christmas story at our staff meeting? I know some of you are thinking, maybe he's just shy. This is not the case I assure you. If there is a chance for him to be center stage, he would knock down Mother Teresa to get it. The boss asked him if he was kidding and he said "No, I'm not reading that," and sat back down. So I volunteered instantly and it got me an evil look from the refuser. Sorry, I didn't do it to suck up. I always enjoy reading that story, and I can't imagine someone who always has to be center stage refusing to have the attention of the entire room. Anyway, I felt he showed his true colors by refusing - he's ashamed. Not sure why, but this gets to me. It's probably just as well, I can't say that I would have liked to hear him read it.

At any rate, Merry Christmas. Take time to remember why we celebrate Christmas, and don't be ashamed. We finally got our tree up this weekend, so it finally feels like Christmas.

Burger King, and a New Jeff Story.

So, I was driving in this morning and I'd left early to go look at lawnmowers. I don't much care for shopping for lawnmowers as I don't care for mowing the lawn. I got done early and decided to get some breakfast. I made the mistake of going to the Burger King on Amnicola Highway by the police station. Normally, one wouldn't think this was a bad idea. I ordered something simple - a number two with orange juice. Then I get hammered with all these questions. It's not that she's asking - it's that I can't understand her. I don't speak jive as well as I used to, and I don't go to drive-throughs often enough to understand what they're saying anymore. I made it clear a couple of times that I wanted sausage, and she responded every time did I want to double up with the ham. There is no ham mentioned on the description of the number two. Finally, I just said "Lady, you can keep it. I'm headed to McDonalds." Then she was saying something as I drove off - still not sure what.

I was talking to Jeff the other night and was somehow reminded of another good Jeff story. When we were in high school, his mom took us to Atlanta to see the Phoenix Suns play the Atlanta Hawks. I was a huge Charles Barkley fan - I even owned his shoes becuase I played on my church team. Some times I even had the Charles Barkley attitude - but that's another story. So, all these people are headed down court to get autographs and the like so Jeff and I do the same. Somehow we ended up on the wrong staircase down and ran in to one of the reporters that was broadcasting for Phoenix television. We talked to him for a minute and then asked how to get down to court level to get an autograph. He said something to the effect of "Mine?" So we accidentally laughed at the guy and he got mad. We walked away and Jeff screams out "He's not a prick - I swear!" I'm pretty sure the guy heard us laughing after that, but it didn't much bother us. So we went back in search for stairs to court level. Out of nowhere, this guy with long blonde hair and a leather jacket with no shirt on runs in to Jeff, and smiles. Didn't speak, just smirked like he'd put Jeff in his place. Jeff never takes anything laying down, so this was no different. As the guy is just behind us, he screams out "Hey everybody look! I'ts Fabio!" Of course, in the dome in Atlanta, everyone turned to look as we ran off laughing. At the time, that was really funny. Somehow words just don't do it justice.

A little less than two weeks to go to the Jeff and Mary visit. I can't wait. I need out of this office so bad it's not even funny.

Movie Review: Oceans 12

I did another netflix free trial while the wife was out of town so I got a bunch of good movies that I haven't watched yet. Don't worry, with my handy new DVD burner I have back-ups of all of them so I can watch them later.

I talked the wife in to seeing Oceans 12 on Saturday night. It wasn't as good as Oceans 11, but it was still a good movie. I can't say too much, but for most of the movie you won't know what's going on. Then it has a nice happily ever after type ending. If you liked the first one, you'll like this one. I think it doesn't disappoint, but it's not the first movie so don't go in expecting to see the first one done over. I wouldn't imagine there would be a third one, but I think Matt Damon's character could probably have a spin-off of some sort. Either way, it's good. Definitely worth seeing on the big screen.

On DVD we've got The Alamo, Paycheck, Ned Kelly, and Miracle to name a few all courtesy of Netflix and Blockbuster. The Bourne Supremacy and Spider-man 2 I purchased at Best Buy - so I'm not all bad.

Christmas Shopping, courtest of Chastity...

So, I find myself robbing Chastity again. I sure hope she doesn't mind....

When is the best time to open presents?
Our family opens presents from each other on Christmas eve. Santa always came on Christmas day.

Have you been naughty or nice this year?
Nice. I'm always nice, aren't I?

Real tree or imitation tree?
Is it really an imitation tree if you can see it? I prefer artificial. We have an artificial tree.

Favorite Christmas cartoon character?
The Grinch I think. Only because Charlie Brown is a character all the time.

Did you ever write Santa a letter?
Probably. For some reason I always believed Mom called our presents in to the North Pole.

Buy any Christmas presents online?
Yep. I'm in to online shopping as that is sortof what I do for a living.

Save the ribbon and paper or rip right through it?
Rip through it. My wife unfolds it like she's going to reuse it.

Sharing Christmas with family this year?
Yep. What would the holidays be if your extended family couldn't drive you nuts? I think we do Christmas with my grandparents as a formality. Exchanging presents with them now is over rated. They normally get us good stuff, but Christmas really isn't about stuff.

Ever roast a chestnut on an open fire?
Can't say as I have. Burned a few marshmellows, but that's about it.

Favorite Christmas pie?
Chocolate. No fruits for me.

Favorite Christmas song?
Probably something off the Harry Connick Jr. Christmas CD.

People on your Christmas list; more or less than ten?
More.

Will you have a white Christmas this year?
It would be nice. I think I've only seen one in my life when we lived in Alabama.

Do you believe in Santa Claus?
Sure. I think it's good for people to remember to give selflessly around Christmas time.

Who would you like to kiss under the mistletoe?
My hot wife. At this point in life I don't think I'm allowed to kiss someone else under the misltetoe. Not that I really need an excuse to kiss her, but mistletoe is good enough for me. If Teri Hatcher is in our house under the misteltoe this year, we might have to make an exception though.

Who gives the best gifts?
Hard to say. My family has always gone all out on Christmas so we always get each other good stuff.

Do you send Christmas cards?
I don't think we did last year, but we are this year.

What color best represents Christmas?
Red or green, or maybe a combination of the two.

Do you own any Christmas music?
Yep, got the Muppet Christmas CD with John Denver, and Harry Connick Jr's "When My Heart Finds Christmas." Both are great.

How many Christmas parties will you attend this year?
One for my wifes work, one for mine, and then the get togethers with the family.

Does the postal worker get a gift this year?
I'm with Chastity here. I've never heard of this before. If we still lived in the Dumplex, I'd be sure not to give him one.

Giving a present to a pet?
Yes. We have three dogs at my parents house so I make sure my dog, Hemi, isn't left out. Our pets are like family so we take good care of them.

Your shopping; All done, half-way done, just started, not yet started?
Mostly done. Got a couple more things for the wife. Both families are taken care of, and most of our friends are done. We still have a few more people to buy for, but that's about it.

Thanks, Chastity!

Home Phones = Sales Calls

I really hate sales calls. On a rare occasion I've found myself overly rude to them when they got me out of the shower or interrupted my dinner. We just got a home phone so we could get internet access. We haven't had a home phone since we got married, and I think it was probably better that we didn't run anything else in to the dumplex that didn't need to be. So, I get home last night and there is four messages on our answering machine. I thought until I checked these that people knew what an aswering machine sounded like. Usually when it says "No one is available to take your call," that means nobody is going to answer. Four messages last night with three different people asking the answering machine if they could speak to someone. One guy was yelling "HELLO! I NEED TO SPEAK TO JENNIFER! COME ON! HELLO!?!?!?!" I got his number so I'm going to call him back and ask him who the hell he thinks he us, so I'll keep you posted on that one. The other three were people less annoyed, but still were asking to speak to someone. One of them even made a sales presentation and then said "Patrick? Are you still there?" I could believe this if we had a personalized recording, but we still have the generic recording that came with the machine. Amazing.

Since I hate sales calls I'll share with you my strategies on how to waste their time. I know, these people are working for a living, but if I wanted their special offers, I would call them. If you really want to annoy them, tell them they have the wrong number. Then say "It's okay, if you want Bob's number here it is - " then give them the number of someone you don't like. This is good because not only are you getting rid of them, your annoying someone you don't like and wasting their time. Secondly, I would ask for their home number. Say "I'm sorry, Mr. Mowatez is not in right now, if you'll give me your home number I'll have him call you about dinner time." They will hang up so fast you won't know what to do. My last, and favorite one is great. When they ask for someone (and they always mispronounce your name), make sure you mispronounce the name back - this inspires confidence in the telemarketers heart - then tell them you're going to get whoever it is they're looking for. Next, set the phone down and walk away. Make sure you check back every few minutes to make sure they're still holding. I've kept them going for at least 30 minutes before they gave up. It's immature I know, but it's the little things in life that keep you sane.

Three weeks to go to Jeff and Mary's. No incriminating Jeff story yet, I thought I'd be easy on them since he's letting us stay in their new house.

Blade: Trinity

So, I went last night to see the new Blade movie. I've always really liked these movies, but the wife hates them. Well, I won't say she hates them, but she doesn't watch vampire type movies because she thinks they're corny. So, while I'm a bachelor this week I decided to go catch a late show last night with some friends. The movie was good. I don't think it was as well thought out as the last two were, and I think they thought "We've got Jessica Biel, we'll put her in some leather and give her some weapons and that will be the selling point." It was okay, I'm sure I'll still buy the DVD when it comes out, but don't look for it to be the number one movie this week at the box office.

I've decided that being a bachelor after you've been married sucks. The house seems much bigger, and much emptier. It's like you're a bachelor but you can't set drinks on the end table without a coaster, you have to put your clothes in the dirty clothes hamper, and do dishes and stuff. I do get to go see a late movie with my friends, but I think the wife would let me do that anyway.

It looks like more rain today so good luck staying dry if you're in the area.

Lines on the road, and traffic signs - they used to serve a purpose.

So, I'm driving in today - late. I can't help but notice that every SUV seems to be gunning for smaller cars. It's like lines on the road are a mere suggestion to these ass clowns. Here I am, in my wifes Mustang (which I probably shouldn't be doing), and these 90lb morons in these gargantuan SUV's are all over the road either (to quote jeff) "searching for their Wayne Newton CD," combing their hair, or dialing their cell phone, then they have the nerve to flip you off when they've tried to run you in to the ditch. Even though I was late, I paid a visit to one today - in the rain. This idiot had been riding the line, and finally crossed over about a foot from my front bumper and stopped. We were of course in a school zone. So, I put the car in park and walked up to pay him a visit. A gentle tap on the window (okay, that's a lie) scared him out of his mind because he was still dialing his cell phone. So he asks what he can do for me since I'm standing in the rain beating on his window. I informed him that he was weaving the road like a drunk lunatic and I didn't much care for it. He said "Well, I didn't even see you." My response was a very vocal "You weren't looking because you were combing your hair, on your cell phone, with your head in your ass!" He decided it was best to pull off the road and make his call so he did just that.

Seriously, nothing can be that important that you have to almost run someone off the road. The lines on the road were put there for a reason. If I had to guess, I would say they're to divide the highway between you and the idiot next to you. I guess I should drive the Jeep the rest of the week so I can push these people out of the way. Somehow, I think they've got a law against it, so there goes that idea.

The Bachelor Pad

So, the wife flew out to Baltimore for a training seminar on Sunday. That means I'm at home with her new car, in the new house by myself, and no cable TV. This has to be what having a bachelor pad is like. Yes, I did opt to drive her car this week. Who wouldn't?

Well, I thought this was going to be cool. I was thinking about having a house to myself, watching the fuzz that we call TV service, and drinking beer at home. I realized, we have no beer, when it rains here you can't see a damn thing on TV (did I mention no cable?), and I have work to do around the house. I've got things to unpack, things to clean, bills to pay. This sucks. Not only is my hot wife in Maryland, my mother thinks I'm incapable of staying by myself. I went by to visit yesterday and was going to head home when I was greated with a "No you're not. You just got here." I'd been there for three hours. I finally escaped at nine, got home in time to get nothing accomplished, and overslept this morning.

Just keeping you all posted, that's why you won't see any new Blogs from the Jen this week. More later.

Finally Friday

I was late to work today because I got to follow on of the city trucks for 20 minutes at 10mph blowing leaves all over the place. It wasn't bad enough that he was driving as slow and humanly possible, but I was getting pelted with leaves the entire way. Nice. I know those trucks are hard to drive because I've got my CDL permit. I'm certain they don't have to be driven at 10mph. Anyway.

I was talking to Jeff about how excited we are on coming down to Florida in 27 days. He mentioned that they'd found a local Karoake bar and we'd have to go sing some Karoake while we were there. Jeff, can sing. I'm not sure if I can or not, but at times I can be entertaining. I remember Jeff and I were at Riverbend after our Senior Year of high school. I think we'd had enough of the girls we were dating so we decided to go alone - or something along those lines. Our favorite radio station had a karoake booth set up, so we decided "Hey, this will be fun. Let's do 'Rock My World Little Country Girl' I bet we can do that." Bear in mind that we were 18, and we didn't discuss who did what part so it was bad. I'm sure if Brookes and Dunn had heard it they would have yanked us offstage. The tape still exists somewhere, but hopefully it will never be heard again. I remember they were having a contest and the winner got $100 or something. We went up to the stage thinking we would win, but somehow between our minds and the speakers, they probably would have given us the award to get off stage. It was fun, but we listened to it the rest of the night lauging as hard as we could.

Enjoy your weekend!