Where have you gone Milton 3P0?

Just when you were all starting to wonder about him. He calls. However, I do have a Milton story in reserve that I'll share with you all now. We were at work one day and two nursing students came in. Neither one of us was using the computer and the nursing students saw my screen saver, which was at the time The Dukes of Hazzard. They commented on it and asked if we'd seen the new Jessica Simpson video. I hadn't and they were shocked. Girl one says "Oh my God! I'm not gay, but after seein that video if Jessica Simpson asked me to be I would. I'd change teams in a heartbeat for her. You have got to see that video!!" I figured this video had to be good. So they leave and I download it for Milton and I to watch. Milton watches the video without a single expression. I'm assuming he doesn't like it because it's not classical. Oh well, it's Jessica Simpson he can deal with it. So the video is over and I went back to using the computer to get our books ordered for the fall. He usually pouted really bad when he couldn't use the computer. So I'm working away and he says "Sir, are you using the computer for business or pleasure at this moment?" Me - "I am using it for business, Milton, do you need to use it? I just played the video at the recommendation of our new friends." Milton - "I see sir. You're trying to appeal to my fun and softer side aren't you? It's working sir." To a guy whose favorite CD is Medival Babes, Jessica Simpson was way out there for him so I suppose watching a music video where she's practicing lap dancing techniques in a bikini washing a 69 Dodge Charger is soft porn to him. Part of him probably enjoyed it, but I'm sure he felt like he was cheating on his medival babes to some degree.

So, as we're all wondering what's become of my former protocol droid, he calls. He's walking across campus and sounds like he's running a marathon. One thing I probably never mentioned about Milton was his weight. He was 6'4" and roughly 350lbs. When I met him, he was happy to be back down at 350 and he was living on the no carb craze. One his favorite things to eat was potatoes, but they were his "arch nemesis" because they had too many carbs. Anyway, he calls and wants me to look up a bunch of phone numbers for him. I sat there for a second and said "Aren't these numbers of people on campus?" Milton - "Sure they are but I don't have them." Me - "Don't you have a campus directory? Couldn't you find them there?" Milton - "Of course sir, that's a fantastic idea. That's wonderful. I can't believe I didn't think of such things on my own. That's why you're the boss sir. Thank you very much and have a wonderful day sir." Now, if that were anybody else I would have thought it to be sarcasm. Milton, sadly really didn't have that idea and now thinks I'm a genius because I did. Oh well, hopefully Grad school is treating him well.

Ever wonder who reads your blog?

Yeah...the USPS reads your blog that's who. The mail showed up just now with two books that I had mailed on Friday when I wrote this post. He handed them both to me as if they were new mail and I said "Why are these here?" He looked at me like I was an idiot and said (as he grabbed the packages) "because this is where they were sent to...DUH!" Having never seen this guy before I'm not sure why he's giving me this, but I don't care. I grabbed his hand that was pointing to the address clearly labeled "FROM" and pulled him across the counter to get his attention. At this point he's got one foot on the ground and he's laying flat on the counter with the book in his face. I said "THEY WERE NOT SENT HERE! THIS ADDRESS THAT YOU'RE POINTING TOO SAYS 'FROM' IN BIG RED LETTERS. THEY SHOULD GO TO THE ONE THAT SAYS 'TO' YOU MORON!!!" I let him go so he stood back and looked at it and said "Well, you did somethin wrong so you have to take it back to the post office and fix it." Then he turned and left. At the post office, they made some excuse on how it was my fault. I said "I find it hard to accept that a return address label with the shipping address in big red letters is my fault. You guys messed up, you can fix it." They agreed they'd fix it as a courtesy to me but wanted to make sure from now on I had everything labeled properly. I guess I was mad at the mail guy and the guy that cut me off on the way there, but I told the guy behind the counter to stick his proper label in his properly labeled ass...and have a USPS day. Really, I don't have anger management issues.

A few details missed...

So in my effort to get Mike blogging the other day, I left out a few details in our story so let me back up. Mike and I had been working on his RX7 for a while and we couldn't get it exactly right. It seemed like we had a manifold leak of some sort because it wasn't running as well as we'd hoped. Finally we'd given up and were driving to Cookeville because there was supposedly an expert up there. He showed us the problem but we couldn't leave the car so we went home to fix it...very fast. Well, I think he has the cruise set on 80 or 90 and the speed limit was 65. Then we see blue lights. The guy as I mentioned earlier came to my door because he was too fat to stand on Mikes side of the car. He asked Mike to step to the rear and question him because we're obviously drug dealers...so he calls for backup. His backup is an equally fat waste of air. Now they question Mike about me because I look suspicious. I was actually trying to take a nap while they had him out of the car. Now I'm invited to the rear to get frisked. The first moron starts to frisk me while the other has his hand on his gun ready to unholster at any given moment. Fat guy one finds my keys and says "Is that crack? That's crack. He's got crack on him!" So I said "that's a car key moron." He backs up and puts his hand on his gun and like every cheesey cop you've ever seen in a movie says "pull that out nice and slow like..." So I hand him my car keys. At the time I was carrying a key chain someone gave me for graduation. It read "I bet you can't wait until National Asshole day." These two reading it like second graders was priceless. They decided it was not crack, but we had drugs in the car so they HAD to search it. At this point Mike and I know we can take them, and that we can outrun them. However, they have guns and seem like they haven't shot anything in a while and they really want to shoot us. Fat guy one searches the car and fat guy two makes sure we stand against the car with our hands "where he can see them." Yeah...it's really that bad. To everyones suprise they found no crack and start lecturing Mike on how he's abusing his car and he's going to throw a rod driving like that. Mike pipes up with "The car doesn't have rods." The cop, now being an expert mechanic, says "What in the hell do you think it has if it doesn't have rods boy?!?" So fat guy two says "It's one uh them rotax engines...it ain't got rods or pistons." So I correct them "It's a rotary engine...invented by Wankel...look it up if you want." So he turns back to Mike "I was turning this shivolay (read that as the moron pronunciation of Chevrolet) 130mph to catch you boys. It was so hard on this car to catch you I can't even believe it." Mike's response was priceless. "That certainly says something about your Chevrolet then doesn't it?" An hour later, with Mike and I still standing there having to listen to these idiots joke about taking us to jail they run my license because while we don't have drugs, we're obviously going to get them. They decide my license is fake and that Mike's license is just a permit. Now they're holding my license next to my face to see if it's really me and they've determined I've taken some kids license because this one is clearly not me. That was when I said "If I'm going to carry a fake, wouldn't it be one I could buy beer with?" This sounded like a good idea to them so they let me have my license back. We were then instructed to mosey on home and to maintain the speed limit because they'd be watching. When we got home, we realized they'd written Mike up for 85 in a 55. We were in a 65 so Mike was going back to Hee Haw Hell to go to court. They rescheduled on him a few times so he never got to go. They jerked him around until he paid the fine. I think that's all the details. The good news is Mike is starting a blog. It will be good.

You may now refer to me as "The Man."

So, not only am I the lead oppressor of college students, I'm about to make the college bookstore my bitch. As with most evil college stores they've been dragging ass on getting me information...information like what books to order and how many. So, I've had my cousin the attorney doing some research on this to find out if there is a law, if there is a statute, things like that. It's been frustrating because we've come up with nothing. Today...we have something. We have a statute, one that says their current practices are unconstitutional and that they will now be my bitches. Before too long I'll be running this place and my store will be the altar at which they worship. Maybe I'm getting carried away, but this is fantastic news. They are going down, they will hate me, and I just don't care. They will now refer to me as "The Man," "The One," or "The Anomile" and they'll be forced to avert their eyes when I'm present. At any rate, it's late, I've got to get home so I can get some rest. There are bitches to fry and faculty to screw tomorrow. Have a good Monday!

Damn the USPS!!

This post made me feel a little better about a heated discussion I had with the USPS just yesterday afternoon. I ship books on occassions so I have to make trips to the post office. I hate the post office here because it's hard to get in and out of and the people as usual are useless. My first impression of this post office was "Can I use that pen you have to write this down while I'm standing here?" Her response "Sir, I can sell you this pen for $2.95, but I cannot loan it to you. If you'd like to write on that piece of paper with this pen I'll be happy to put $2.95 on your bill and you may use it. We are not authorized to give pens over the counter." That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I told her she could keep the pen and I wouldn't buy a pack of them for $2.95 because that was insane. She didn't see it my way. Anyway, on to today's post. They've started to recognize me when I come in with stacks of books. The lady at the counter said "You know you can do this online right?" I thought "This is great! I don't have to drive down to this crappy parking lot and get waited on by these rejects that work this place!" How exciting would a day be if you didn't have to deal with USPS employees? Terribly. I assure you. So, they give me their online form and I come back and go to work. As it turns out, you can't ship media mail online. Seeing as I ship EVERYTHING media mail, I was disappointed and called the toll free number. My question was simple "Why can you not ship media mail online?" The girl had to put me on hold. I was on hold for two or three minutes when she came back and said (or read rather) the following:

"Dear Sir, we apologize for the inconvenience that you are having with our online Click and Ship program. Unfortunately the services you are requesting are not available online at this time. We appreciate your interest in the United States Postal Service and we'd be happy to locate a Post Office near you if you can provide us with your five digit zip code." Really, I think my response should have landed me in jail.

Me: "I know where the damn post office is lady! They told me I could ship media mail online. Do I have to have a special account to do that or what? Why did they send me to this online piece of garbage if they knew it wouldn't do what I wanted?" And I'm on hold again. A minute later she says "Sir, our United States Postal Service Facilities will be happy to help you with all of your mailing and shipping neads. Also for your convenience you can ship online 24 hours a day at USPS.com. Is there anything else I can assist you with today sir?"

Me: "NO! You haven't assisted me with a damn thing yet you incompetent fool!" She responded with a "Thank you for calling the United States Postal service," and she hung up. So I head back to the post office to ship my packages. The lady again asks me if I've heard of their clicknship program. I said "Sure I have, but you can't ship media mail online." She responds with a very harsh very rude "Media mail is subject to inspection and people that ship media mail are not trustworthy enough to ship medial mail online so the United States Postal Service make us bring people to the actual location so we can inform them that their packages are subject to inspection and that they can't get a better rate on media mail by shipping whatever it is they want you to send them. Can you understand that?" Of course I can. I can comprehend all of this because I'm a smart guy. Who is she to talk to me that way? So I tell her "You know I ship media mail three or four days a week. If you know that's all I'm shipping, why the hell did you send me to the clicknship crap only to know I'd be back in here?" She says she didn't know I shipped media mail, even though every package she had in her hand was stamed Media Mail - by her. So, I tried to calm down and she shook her head like I was the idiot here. So, what did I do? Did I take Jeff's advice and pick my battles? Did I go on thinking that she was wrong and leave it alone? Nope. I had to respond.

"Lady, you can stick your clicknship program in your fat incompetent ass for all I care. If you don't like dealing with people and feel the need to be demeaning and overly rude, perhaps you should ask them to find you a job in the back where you don't have to deal with people. I know the difference between media and priority mail, and I know it's subject to inspection because you tell me every freaking time I come in. I don't care how many of them you open, they're all going to be eligible for media mail. If you don't like waiting on me, I'll move to the next clerk and not worry with you but you'll not talk to me this way again." I grabbed my receipt and started to leave but decided to turn back and say "Oh, and have a USPS day ma'am!" She was horrified. Maybe I should lay off the caffine, but she just rubbed me the wrong way. Some days I just get sick of the incompetence and the inconsistency they have at the post office and I was at my limit. I'm sure one day I'll have a heart attack in line at a store like that and the clerk will go "I'm glad he's dead. I really am. He just came in and started yelling because I rolled my eyes and thought he was stupid. What gives?"

That's all for now...have a good weekend.

Five reasons Mike should start a blog.

Okay, so everyone has seen my friend Mike floating around bloggerland here recently. Mike has been a friend of mine for a long time and he's recently started reading my blog. We're both car guys, so a few years ago when Mike was washing a car I'd never seen up close - I stopped to check it out. We've been friends ever since and my Dad helped him restore a 71 Dodge Challenger a few years ago. I know what you're thinking...Mike has to be cool. Mike also drives an Aprilia motorcycle. If you don't know what an Aprilia is, just trust me that it's cool. I wouldn't lead you astray. I've tried to convince him to start his own but he doesn't think anyone would read it. Is Mike an interesting person? Of course he is. Mike doesn't go looking for things, random things just find Mike. I remember driving back from Cookeville with Mike in one of his many RX7's at a rapid pace when we got pulled over. In short, we were detained on the side of the road for the better part of two hours by two fat worthless cops that thought we might have been running drugs, and that Mike didn't have a valid drivers license. Finding this, they decided to frisk me and run my license while Mike is standing with his hands on the car as they now thought we were drug runners. Rightly so, we were in an import with tinted windows driving over the speed limit and Mike of course made the bastards chase us. Upon running my license they decide I've stolen someones license and this is clearly not mine. If I'd been nice and taken my sunglasses off they probably would have known but I refused. I finally had to say "If I was going to carry a fake ID, wouldn't it be one that I could buy beer with?" They agreed. Being dumb cops, this never occured to them. After being removed from the car and having these pigs search us and the car, they decide to let Mike go with a hefty fine and we're sure they went back to chuckle about it with all of their fat friends. Mike and I drove home and he spent the next month fighting them on his fine but finally gave in and paid it. I'm sure it was worth it to not have to go to Cookeville again, but I still say those two ass clowns owe us two hours of our lives back. We'll never see it again.

So anyway, this is a very tame Mike story. Mike alone is entertaining, likes long walks on the beach and belittling people. I'd say he's good at it, so here are five reasons Mike should start a blog:

1. It would be funny as hell to read.
2. It would be a good creative outlet.
3. Things happen to Mike that don't happen to your average person.
4. Mike could be the next Tucker Max.
5. It would be funny as hell to read.

That being said, Mike's blog would not be for everybody but it would be entertaining for those that could read it. So there is my arguement special Mike. Do with it what you please.

I'm sure Anya is suprised...

So I took Anya's test and it seems we're on opposite ends of the spectrum. At least we get along okay right?

I am: 70% Republican.

"I bet you'd like Democrats okay if they wouldn't keep handing out your paycheck to urban welfare cheats, right? (And you probably don't want me to be saying anything about 'urban' being some kind of code word, I bet.)"

Are You A Republican?

Jeff - it's your turn to take the quiz. Let's see how you do.

Ways to de-stress while dining out

Usually when I get stressed I get some poor telephone salesperson and I've taken to either blowing an air horn in their ear (it's funny but it's mean as hell) or slamming the phone down repeatedly. That usually gives them the hint. Well, the last few times my wife and I have been out we've had some insanely bad service. Not just poor, or because they were busy, just outrageously bad horrid service. So I've come up with some ways to get back at them. Not only are these amusing, these are the best ways I've foud to de-stress your dining out experience.

First off, have fun. Keep it simple as you don't want them to catch on early. After they recite their overly long list of specials, ask them if they serve cow feet. This usually throws them for a loop. If they have a salad bar, ask how many times you're allowed to go back. If they say as many times as you want, ask for a lawn and leaf bag loud enough that other people can hear you. Also inform them that you are within your legal rights because even after you leave, you're not finished eating.

Give them special instructions to keep them busy. Ask for French Toast cooked Medium Rare. Get a pizza with no toppings...hold the crust. Tell them you want your egg whites fried and your yolks poached. Order a basket of Poppy Seed rolls and tell them to scrape the seeds off and put them in a seperate bowl. When they bring them out that way (they have to), tell them to take them back and heat them at 200 degrees.

Always after the food arrives, without exception...send something back. It's considered very sophisticated but make sure you use colorful phrases. Tell them the "veal tastes like the inside front panel of Ferdinand Magellan's short...and I'm referring to the first voyage of course."

Finally, my last and probably most favorite is the pepper mill. This can be a great source of fun. Keep the waiter grinding on this thing for a long time...disturbingly long...like 15 minutes minimum. Keep him going until everyone in the restaurant is really uncomfortable. Then, when your food and silverware are completely covered with a thin layer of ground pepper say very loudly "OKAY STOP! THAT'S PERFECT!!!" This will scare the crap out of them. On their next trip by, call them over and say "I'm sorry. This food has way too much pepper on it!"

It's the little things. Really. Have a good Monday.

Meet Elvis...

Well, not much happening this Friday. I spent way too much time playing video games on liquid generation and now I remember why I stopped playing them years ago. High blood pressure runs in my family. Anyway, the store officially has a pet now. He's been lingering around since early August and eating a few bugs but sadly I think Elvis is about to die. He was a really bright green color and now he's starting to turn brown. Maybe lizards don't have that long of a life span. I did get to snap a couple of pictures of him with my camera phone. The ass clown that told us this took high quality pictures should be beaten over the head with it until he passes out. The last guy at Verizon said he would e-mail all the pictures to himself as soon as he took them in case he lost them. Somehow I think any pictures I take with my camera phone are expendable. I meant to bring my digital camera today but I forgot it, maybe Elvis will be around Monday and I can get some better pictures of him. Have a good Friday everyone. Elvis says have a good weekend.

What kind of drink are you?

Been spending too much time on LiquidGeneration.com today. I'm not sure this totally fits, but I do like some Jack.



What kind of drink are you?

Just to let you all know...

Lipton "fresh brewed" Iced Tea with Lemon sucks ass. I purchased a bottle today and it was the worst thing I'd ever tried to drink so I called the quality control number on their bottle and they asked what was wrong so I told them "This tea sucks. It tastes like it's got dirt in it." They assured me it did not and asked me how to improve the taste of their tea. I said "Make it taste more like tea and less like a bottle of ass!" They offered to send me a voucher for another tea and I had to ask why. Why in the hell with this one so bad that the sewage like after taste is still in my mouth would I venture to purchase another one. I told them they should send me a voucher for their competitors tea but she wasn't authorized to do that. On the good side, the Aquafina Flavor Splash Citrus Blend does not taste like raw sewage, dirt, or ass. It does taste like kool-aid with too much sugar but compared to the Lipton Tea I just drank it's a $200 bottle of wine. That's all. You can go back to what you were doing now.

Death by MmmmBopp?

I was listening to the Pulse on Sirius this morning because that's what I usually listen too. Occasionally I'll have it on Octane or a good hard rock station. As soon as I do someone comes in and is mortally offended by Rob Zombie and I get weird looks. Oh well. Anyway...back to the matter at hand. They come on occasionally with news stories and this one struck me so I'm sharing it with my blogger friends. A high school in the New England area needs to raise $3,000 for their school but they want the students to go out and do it - as usual. In an effort to encourage the students to reach their goal the principal said he would play Hanson's MmmBopp throughout the entire school at the beginning and end of every class. He's been doing this to them for three straight weeks. Can you imagine how I would be after three weeks of Hanson? Can't that fall under cruel and unusual? Don't we have hazing laws in high schools that should prevent such torture? In my high school days I'm sure my group of friends would have found a way to hijack that radio or pull the fire alarm every time we heard the word MmmmBopp. I assure you, it would not have been pretty and they would have been charged with a much larger task than raising $3,000.

Speaking of torture, death by Hanson sounds like the appropriate measures for a lady in Atlanta. She drove up from Dalton with a fake social security number and went to the WalMart to say she was a Hurricane Katrina refugee. They gave her food, clothes, and a $1,000 WalMart gift card for whatever else she needed. The lady resided in Atlanta and was seen spending the gift card with a friend of hers from Dalton and was arrested. She spent last night in jail with a $3,000 bail. I think that's pretty sick for a grown person to do. Especially one that didn't need the money and was just taking advantage of the system. She should be locked in her cell and every time she starts to doze off or fall asleep 10,000 watts of MmmBopp should be blasted at her from all angles. This should be maintained for at least three weeks. I'm sure by then, having not slept and been subjected to Hanson at any level, she'll think twice before she tries to buck the system again. She should also have to serve her sentence in New Orleans as part of the clean up effort so she can see exactly who she's taken advantage of.

Not much going on at work today, just touching up and inventorying the store. We'll probably get high off stain fumes today as we have some baseboard to stain. That's it from me, hope all is well with everybody else.

Movie Review - The Transporter 2

So, I went to see the Transporter 2 last night and I was a little disappointed. I took my friend Mike with me because both of us thought it looked good. Mike hated it. I didn't feel quite so strong about it, but I could have waited until the cheap theater and been okay. The movie has some decent chase scenes, some cool cars, but the stunts and the fight scenes are unrealistic. I think the turning point for Mike was when he had a bomb strapped to the bottom of his car. He's running away from the bad guys, takes this jump, and as the car is in the air it starts to roll over. It rolls over just underneath a conveniently placed crane with an all too convenient hook on it. The hook grabs the bomb and he lands on the ground safely. At that point Mike said "I hate this movie." Not much story line and not a very thought provoking movie so needless to say I won't be buying the two pack when they come out. The first movie wasn't so bad, but it suffers from some of the same unrealistic action and fight scenes.

My biggest gripe was that instead of having dinner I thought I'd just have some popcorn and a coke. Not the healthiest of dinners but I had a big lunch at Captain D's so I figured that'd be fine. I ordered it, looked at the prices and found that it was $12 for a medium popcorn and a medium coke. ARE YOU INSANE!!!??!! I know this stuff is expensive and movie theaters complain that they only make money off their concessions, but seriously - $12 for popcorn and a coke? That's just nuts. I told the guy never mind as he hadn't fixed anything yet and he looked at me and said "Do what?" I said "Sorry man, I changed my mind. I'm not in the mood for any of that." He gives me a look like I'm an idiot and says "Do you want it man or don't you?" I just started to walk off and said "No, I was pretty clear when I said I changed my mind." After the movie I went to Olive Garden and had some soup that didn't cost $12. Maybe I'm just old or I hadn't bought movie popcorn in a long enough time but to me, that just seems outrageous.

Dude, get the hint!

Okay, so my phone has been ringing off the hook today. This one dude has been calling non stop. Finally I check my messages, I have three messages from this guy that are all about two minutes long, and all the same rehearsed speach. Not once did he mention who he was with, or what this "specially selected" interview was for. All he said was his name (spelled his first and last name) and that he found my resume on Monster.com. I took my resume off Monster about two years ago so this guy is reaching, but at least I'm specially selected right? Wrong. Anyway, I call the guy back and was polite - much more polite than I really should have been after three phone calls. I simply said "Thanks for calling, you won't see me at the interview tomorrow because I work for myself. I'm glad you called, and good luck with your interviews but I'm not interested." He called back. So I talked to him, told him what I did and that he wouldn't see me at the interviews. So he said "okay, thanks for calling back." Five minutes later he calls back. He introduces himself again and says "what do you charge for the work you do? I noticed on your resume you'd written some newsletters and things like that." Sure I have...when I worked for someone else but now I work for me. He said (still at this point not telling me what I've been selected for) he had trouble getting people to show up to his interviews and getting callbacks. From the personality that flowed forth, I can't say as I was shocked. So he wanted to know could I help him write a newsletter. A newsletter that would inform people of what he did in a way that would get him more callbacks. So I said "Sure. You'll have to tell me what you do and we'll work out a price." He does prepaid legal and wanted to know if I knew anyone in that business. I have a couple of friends that are in it and he said "Well, are they doin okay?" They seem to be I said. "OH GOOD! That's good to hear. Whew!" Apparently a service such as prepaid legal has a bad rap in some areas. I find that hard to imagine. Anyway, I said "Well, if you want more callbacks, maybe you should tell people what you do instead of telling them where to show up for an interview." He got mad. "Well, this prepaid legal thing is more complicated than that. It's too much to explain over the phone. That's why I need someone that can write me up a website newsletter thingy and people can click on it and get all the information they need right then and there. Then, I'll get more callbacks and more people showing up at the interviews." Not sure how he thinks he's going to get them to the website, but I told him it wouldn't be too hard if he wanted me to do that. Then he assumed I would do it for free because I'm self employed. Seriously man. When you assume what's the rule? You make an ass out of you and umption (according to Samuel L. Jackson anyway). I wasn't out to make the guy mad, but really. I don't know him, and he'd been annoying me all day. What in the hell made him think I'd work for him for free? Sorry man, you suck. Good luck drawing people to your website newsletter thingy though.

Be serious dude...

So I worked on the wine cabinet this morning while the wife was at a church fundraiser and it's almost done. We'll post pictures because I know no ones life is complete without it. I decided to reward myself and got the Cuda out and washed it, then went and tanked it up with gas. As always I was enjoying myself and some ass clown decides to tailgate me. To beat all it's some beater truck. So I hammer it and he can't keep up. I get to my turn to head back home and he comes flying up beside me and says in his most bubba sounding accent "Hey man, catch up to us! Come follow us man! Burn them tires!!!" The single finger salute sent him on his way.

Been watching too much TV lately. For some reason I'm sucked in to Rock Star INXS. I'm not sure why because I can't stand Dave Navarro. I'm not sure what contest in hell INXS lost to have him on the show but I guess if you have to lose a bet with Satan he's a good enough punishment. Every time he speaks I wish someone would start yelling "Shut up ass clown!" They don't, and I still watch the show.

Speaking of people with issues, I've had some hits on my blog lately and here are the search terms...

5. My husband looks at porn behind my back. Sorry...that sucks. He could at least share right?
4. How do I take sharpie marker off my garage door. I've got just the guy for you. He's got plenty of time and I promise he won't leave until your garage door is clean.
3. Auto Zone hubcap spinner. You suck.
2. Conserving Gas. Yeah, we all need to. The wife hasn't budged on the motorcycle yet, but she did like it and said I looked pretty good on it. Now if it just sounded better.
1. Pictures of Peyton Manning's wife and his wedding announcement. You're a stalker dude, get off my blog.

Hooters girl gets an honorable mention, but I think Hooters searched for that one so she'd appear in the top five of my coveted blog stats. That's about it, sounds like the towels are done so it's time to get back to work on the car and the wine cabinet.

Deport the bastard!

First off, this weekend was busy but wow did I make some progress. I managed to get both cars washed and waxed, the grass cut, sold my soft top, and finished painting the wine rack we bought a month or two ago. Now all I have to do is put it together. Did I mention that it didn't come with an instruction sheet? Well, it's a wine rack and I've put together way more complicated things than this without instructions so I should be fine. Maybe we'll post pictures once it's up. One of my good friends from college is in town for an interview today so the hot wife and I had the pleasure of taking her out to dinner and to the new Aquarium. If you're thinking of visiting our aquarium here in the scenic city - I would say don't. It's not bad, but not near worth the price of admission. I liked it, but I don't feel like I got my moneys worth out of it. At any rate, it was good to see my friend again and they might be moving back to town so that would be nice. According to a reliable source, the Angry Republican and his wife are coming in town this weekend so maybe we'll get to spend some time with them on their visit here.

Now, on to todays post. So, with gas prices soaring here in town (but now on the decline) someone decided this was the best time to make money. A gas station owned by one of the Patels on E. Brainerd Road decided last Thursday to hike his gas prices to nearly $5 a gallon. When accused of price gouging, his wife said he didn't speak english and didn't understand American culture enough to realize that he was overcharging. Horse shit he didn't. He now has a hearing scheduled for this week as he's been charged by the state for price gouging. He still maintains in the family's public statements that he doesn't speak english and didn't know he was doing anything wrong. He's been in this country long enough to establish a business so we know he speaks english. He's been running this gas station for years and I imagine if you went in with a 10 dollar bill to pay for five dollars in gas he'd know how much change to give you. To me, this means he understands how things work and knew exactly what he was doing so his excuses are just excuses. To me, this is not acceptable. Perhaps we should flood his store with pigs to bring great shame to him and say "Oh, these are pets here. We didn't understand your culture well enough to know it would upset you." Personally, if he wants to use his defense of stupidity, he should be deported. He's been here this long, doesn't speak or understand english, and doesn't understand culture, he needs to go. I think if he pulls that crap in his hearing, we put him on the first bus out of this country with a pound of bacon and wish him well. Perhaps I'm harsh, and I'm sure there is an Angry Republican out there that just thinks I'm a card carrying Klan member but seriously - why gouge people in a time of need? This had nothing to do with race until he pulled the defenseless race card. Horse shit. If we dont' deport him, we need to at least lock him in a mud pit full of pigs for 72 days with no food but the slop they get, and we should have Barry Manilows CopaCabana record playing on repeat 24 hours a day. I assure you he would emerge a changed man. Every business should be profitable and no one should be ashamed or punished for making money. This guy, should be deported for gouging and being an inconsiderate bastard. Somehow I think he'll go back to business as usual and chuckle with his friends that he fooled everyone by saying he didn't speak english and made a bunch of money. This is unacceptable...

Conserving Gas

Gas prices are driving me insane. I believe every business should be profitable, but a business that is attempting to criple this country with it's insane prices is nuts. They know we have to have gas and they know we'll pay whatever they say it's worth and no protesting or internet forwards are going to bring the price down. We're at their mercy...and we shouldn't have to be. So I'm coming up with ways to conserve that won't land me in a Honda (sorry Honda peoples, I'm strictly Mopar). I'm always kidding with my wife about conserving gas. Anytime I'm low I'll tell her that Borland and the guys in the shop said we could stretch it. For the Nascar fans, Matt Borland is Ryan Newmans crew cheif. Last season he won eight races on fuel mileage. It's okay, my wife doesn't think it's funny either. So today I started coming up with ideas on how to conserve fuel other than calling Borland and the guys. My best idea so far is a motorcycle. I think I like this one the best -
I think I'd look alright on this, don't you? Not only that, this baby can get 40 mpg's. When gas is $3 a gallon and will probably be $5 by Christmas, this sounds really good. So, I guess I'm doing a blogger pole. Do I get a British Motorcycle, a Harley, or stick with the 17 mpg's that the Jeep gets?